7 behaviors that signal someone might not respect you, even if they’re being “nice”

You ever watered a plant that never seems to grow? The leaves stay green, sure. But there’s no new stem, no blossom, no shift. You start wondering—am I just maintaining this thing, or is it actually thriving?

That’s how it feels when you’re around someone who’s technically polite, but something feels… off. They're not overtly rude. They might even bring you coffee or remember your birthday. But underneath those gestures, there's a slow erosion happening—of your time, your boundaries, your sense of being seen.

Respect isn’t always about big gestures. It often shows up in the micro-moments: whether someone remembers your preferences, honors your space, listens without shifting the conversation back to themselves. It’s not about how “nice” someone acts—it’s how safe and seen you feel around them.

Here are seven behaviors that quietly suggest someone doesn’t truly respect you—even if they seem pleasant on the surface.

1. They always frame things as jokes—but it’s always at your expense

Humor is powerful. It can ease tension, build connection, even help us process pain. But there’s a line between laughter with someone and laughter at someone.

If someone consistently teases you in ways that make you shrink—not shine—and then shrugs it off with, “Relax, I’m just joking,” you’re not dealing with lightheartedness. You’re dealing with a power move in disguise.

It’s like putting vinegar in the kombucha every time and calling it “just a dash.” Eventually, the whole batch turns too sour to drink.

Some people use humor to test how far they can go. A dig here. A jab there. Then they watch how you respond. If you laugh it off, they push a little more. The pattern becomes a slow drip of disrespect, disguised as charm.

Respectful people don’t use jokes to erode your confidence. They build you up with humor that feels mutual—not manipulative.

2. They “forget” your boundaries—but remember everything else

Here’s where things get extra slippery: when someone has a great memory except when it comes to your needs. You tell them you don’t do last-minute plans. They text you at 5 p.m. asking if you’re free at 6. You’ve said clearly that you don’t want to talk about your ex. They bring it up anyway—“just curious.”

It’s like they’re running a GPS with every destination except the one labeled “your comfort zone.”

Everyone forgets things sometimes. That’s human. But repeated “forgetting” of boundaries—especially by someone who remembers their fantasy football stats or your Spotify playlist preferences—is a different story. It’s not about their memory. It’s about their priorities.

Respect shows up in remembering the things that matter to someone else, even if they don’t matter to you. Especially if they don’t.

3. They compliment you—but it always feels a little… off

You ever get a compliment that leaves you wondering if you were just insulted?

“You’re actually really articulate.”
“You’re not like other people your age.”
“You did surprisingly well on that.”

These are compliments with a stinger. They imply that the speaker had low expectations to begin with—and that you somehow overperformed. It's the equivalent of handing someone a gift basket full of things they’re allergic to—then saying, “I thought you’d like the gesture.”

Backhanded compliments are subtle clues about how someone sees you. If they genuinely respected you, their words would reflect curiosity, admiration, or care—not condescension cloaked in praise.

True compliments are clear, direct, and don’t make you doubt your worth as you say “thanks.”

4. They expect emotional labor—but don’t offer it in return

We all want to be there for people. Being a good listener, a sounding board, a calm presence—it’s part of how we build trust and intimacy. But when someone always brings their chaos to you, and never seems to ask how you’re doing in return, something’s off.

It’s like a sink where only one side of the faucet runs.

Some people are so used to being supported that they don’t realize they’re treating others like emotional service providers. They offload their stress, ask for advice, need reassurance—then disappear when the roles reverse. You become the “strong one” by default. And slowly, that title becomes a trap.

Mutual respect means reciprocity. It doesn’t have to be perfectly even all the time, but it should feel balanced over the long run. If someone always leans on you but can’t hold space when you need it, they’re not respecting your emotional bandwidth.

5. They constantly interrupt—or worse, talk over you

We’ve all interrupted someone out of excitement. But if someone routinely cuts you off, finishes your sentences (incorrectly), or redirects the conversation every time you speak, they’re not just talkative—they’re drowning out your voice.

It’s the conversational equivalent of someone rearranging your bookshelf while you’re still choosing the books.

This is especially common in group settings, where certain voices get prioritized—whether due to confidence, social conditioning, or privilege. If you find yourself hesitating to speak because you know you’ll be talked over, that’s not just a communication issue. It’s a respect issue.

People who respect you make room for your words. They let the silence land. They don’t just hear you—they listen with the intent to understand, not just respond.

6. They only reach out when they need something

Some people treat relationships like subscription services: they check in when they want access, not when they want connection.

These folks might message with a friendly, “How are you?” but it’s always followed by a favor. Can you look over my resume? Do you know anyone hiring? Can you introduce me to that friend you posted about?

It’s not that asking for help is wrong—it’s not. But when someone only shows up when they need something, the pattern becomes transactional. There’s no nourishment, no back-and-forth. You become a tool in their toolbox, not a person in their life.

It’s like someone visiting your garden only to pick flowers—never to water it, never to pull weeds.

Genuine respect looks like investment, even when there’s nothing to gain.

7. They give you advice you never asked for

You’re venting about a tough day, or sharing a half-formed idea, and before you finish your thought, they jump in with a solution.

“You should just…”
“Why don’t you…”
“What you need to do is…”

Unsolicited advice can come from a well-meaning place. But when it’s constant—especially when you didn’t ask—it often signals a deeper issue: they think they know better than you. Or worse, they don’t trust you to solve your own problems.

It’s like someone handing you a new recipe for a dish you already enjoy making. You didn’t ask for it. They didn’t taste what you’ve been working on. They just assume theirs is better.

Respect means meeting people where they are—not where you think they should be. Sometimes that means offering advice. But often, it means listening without trying to fix.

The difference between niceness and nourishment

We’re often taught that “nice” is the highest compliment someone can receive. But niceness is about manners. Respect is about values.

You can be polite and still be dismissive. You can be friendly and still undermine someone’s boundaries. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to patterns—not just tone.

Is this person showing up in ways that support your growth, your rest, your clarity? Or do you feel more drained, confused, or small after interacting with them?

Respect is like healthy soil. You might not see it right away—but everything that grows in its presence tells you it’s there.

So if someone’s behavior consistently leaves you second-guessing yourself, it’s worth asking: is this dynamic rooted in true regard, or just surface-level sweetness?

Your time, your energy, and your voice all deserve more than lip service.