What boomers call “good manners,” younger generations often see as subtle jabs—and this article breaks down why.
Some things just don’t land the way they used to.
What might have once been seen as a gesture of courtesy now makes younger folks shift uncomfortably in their chairs. And honestly? I get it.
Having spent most of my career in a corporate environment dominated by boomer culture, I used to believe certain behaviors were just “how respect was shown.”
But over the years—and through many awkward moments—I’ve come to see that what one generation sees as thoughtful, another might interpret as controlling, sarcastic, or passive-aggressive.
Let’s explore seven common habits that boomers often mean well by, but that younger generations tend to view quite differently.
1. Saying “Well, I was raised to…”
If you’ve ever heard this phrase dropped into a disagreement, you know the tone I’m talking about.
“Well, I was raised to say thank you.”
“Well, I was raised to respect my elders.”
It’s usually said with an air of moral superiority, even if it’s not intended that way. While it might seem like a way of expressing personal values, it can also feel like a subtle jab—implying that others weren’t raised “right.”
Younger generations tend to value open-mindedness over tradition. So when a comment like this pops up, it can come off less like a personal reflection and more like a judgment. It’s the conversational equivalent of drawing a line in the sand.
2. Giving “helpful” advice that no one asked for
Let me guess—you’ve been on the receiving end of this one.
Boomers often see unsolicited advice as a way of showing care or sharing wisdom. And to be fair, a lot of them genuinely want to help.
But for millennials and Gen Z, who grew up in a world saturated with information and choice, uninvited advice can feel like a lack of trust in their autonomy.
As Dr. Julie Smith, clinical psychologist and author of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, notes:
“When we jump in with solutions, we sometimes silence the other person’s ability to process or even ask for what they really need.”
Sometimes people don’t want a fix—they want to be heard. Giving advice without invitation can feel like a subtle way of saying, “You don’t know what you’re doing,” even when that’s not the intention.
3. Insisting on formality in casual settings
When my friend introduced her boyfriend to her family, her dad shook his hand and said, “You can call me Mr. Richardson.”
It was meant to be respectful, but the whole room stiffened.
Formality in casual settings—like requiring titles, expecting handwritten thank-you notes, or making a big deal about proper greetings—can feel like emotional armor to younger folks. They’re more about authenticity and mutual comfort than about rituals that signal respect.
So what starts as “being proper” can come off as distancing, especially if it’s done in situations that call for warmth and connection. The polite intention gets lost in the power dynamics.
4. Making backhanded compliments
“You look so much better when you smile.”
“That outfit is so brave.”
“You’ve really grown into your looks!”
Boomers often see these as sincere compliments. And maybe, at one time, they were. But to younger generations, these remarks sound like compliments with strings attached.
They're a bit like giving someone a cookie but holding onto it just a second too long—confusing, awkward, and weirdly controlling.
It’s not that appreciation isn’t welcome. It just needs to come without the hidden critique.
5. Calling instead of texting (and getting offended if you don’t pick up)
I’ll be honest—this one used to get me too.
My dad would call me in the middle of a workday and leave a voicemail saying, “It’s just easier to talk.” Then, if I didn’t pick up right away, I’d get a follow-up text: “Call me back. It’s important.”
Spoiler: It was never urgent.
To boomers, calling might feel more personal. But to younger people, it can feel intrusive—especially when a text could’ve conveyed the same message with less pressure.
What adds to the passive-aggressive feel is when the caller gets upset for not being immediately available. It can feel like a disregard for boundaries and schedules, masked as “just wanting to connect.”
6. Commenting on someone’s appearance in the name of concern
“You look tired.”
“You’ve lost weight! You look great!”
“Are you sure that haircut suits you?”
I’ve heard all three of these—and usually from older relatives who meant well. But here's the thing: younger generations tend to view comments about appearance, even well-meaning ones, as invasive or even shaming.
The belief that these remarks are simply “being observant” or “showing care” often ignores how deeply personal body image and self-expression can be.
Many millennials and Gen Zers are actively working to unlearn toxic beauty standards, and being constantly evaluated—however subtly—can be triggering.
Even if it’s coming from love, there’s a difference between expressing genuine concern and commenting out of habit.
7. Using guilt to motivate behavior
“After all I’ve done for you…”
“We drove all this way to see you and you can’t even stay for dinner?”
“I guess we’ll just sit here alone again this weekend.”
This one cuts deep. Guilt as a motivator might seem like a soft push toward doing the right thing. But it often backfires—especially on younger generations who value emotional intelligence and clear communication.
To them, guilt trips aren’t polite. They’re emotional manipulation wearing a polite face.
As family therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab notes in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace:
“Guilt-tripping is a covert way to control someone’s behavior by making them feel bad instead of making a direct request.”
Younger folks would much rather hear a clear, honest ask. They’re not opposed to helping or showing up—they just want to do it without being emotionally cornered.
Final thoughts
Here’s the reality: etiquette evolves.
What was once seen as respectful or warm can take on new meaning in a different generational context. And that’s not a bad thing. It just means we need to be mindful of how our intentions land—and open to learning when they don’t land well.
Because at the heart of all these misunderstandings is a shared desire: to connect, to feel appreciated, and to show respect. The methods might differ, but the core value remains the same.
If you’re reading this and feeling defensive, I get it. Many of these behaviors come from a good place. But growth comes from curiosity, not defensiveness.
So the next time someone younger than you reacts oddly to a “polite” comment, pause. Ask yourself: Is this landing the way I think it is?
And maybe even go one step further—ask them directly. You might be surprised what you learn.
