The words we use with kids shape how safe they feel expressing themselves—even when we don’t realize it.
Let’s be honest—parenting is hard.
You want to raise a kind, confident, emotionally intelligent kid. But in the moment—when you’re juggling schedules, messes, and meltdowns—it’s easy to fall back on phrases you heard growing up or ones that just roll off the tongue. You’re not trying to cause harm. You’re trying to get through the day.
But here’s the thing: some of the most common “go-to” phrases we use with kids can have unintended emotional consequences. They may sound harmless or even helpful. But to a child, they can feel dismissive, confusing, or invalidating.
Let’s take a look at seven of these phrases and why they can be problematic—along with what you might say instead.
1. “You’re okay.”
This one usually comes from a good place. A kid scrapes their knee, gets scared at the dentist, or bursts into tears after a rough day—and we say, “You’re okay.”
But are they?
When we rush to reassure without acknowledging what the child is actually feeling, we can accidentally send the message that their emotions are wrong, exaggerated, or inconvenient.
Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, known for her work on emotional resilience in kids, explains: “Saying ‘You’re okay’ doesn’t make your child feel okay—it makes them feel alone in their not-okayness.”
A better approach? Mirror what they’re feeling: “That really hurt, didn’t it?” or “I know that was scary.” That small moment of validation helps kids feel seen—and makes space for genuine comfort.
2. “Stop crying.”
This one stings a little, doesn’t it?
Most of us have said it at some point—maybe out of frustration, maybe because we were taught that tears equal weakness, or maybe just because we were running late and didn’t know how else to respond.
But here’s what this phrase does: it teaches kids to suppress their feelings rather than understand or process them.
I remember a time my daughter was crying over something that felt minor to me—her pancake broke in half. My instinct was to say, “Come on, stop crying. It’s not a big deal.”
But I caught myself and said instead, “I know it feels disappointing when something doesn’t turn out the way you wanted.” She nodded through her tears and calmed down much faster than when I tried to shut it down.
Feelings don’t need to be “fixed.” They need to be felt.
3. “Because I said so.”
Ah yes, the classic.
This phrase might get immediate compliance, but it often comes at the cost of trust and understanding. When kids don’t know the why behind a rule or decision, they’re more likely to internalize confusion or resentment than respect.
I get it—sometimes you're just too tired to explain the logic behind everything. But here’s a middle ground: keep it short and age-appropriate. “We can’t go to the park right now because it’s getting dark.” That’s enough.
Even if they don’t like your answer, giving them a reason helps them feel respected—and that builds emotional security over time.
4. “Don’t be so dramatic.”
This one tends to come out when we feel overwhelmed by our kid’s emotional reaction—or when we can’t relate to what they’re feeling.
But calling a child “dramatic” minimizes their experience and teaches them to second-guess their instincts.
This is backed by experts like Dr. Lisa Firestone, who’s noted: “Children need to feel like their inner emotional lives are valid. Dismissing them as overreactions can create shame or confusion around their feelings.”
Instead, try naming what you observe: “You’re feeling a lot right now,” or “That really got to you, huh?” It helps them understand that emotions—big or small—aren’t something to be ashamed of.
5. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Whether it’s monsters under the bed or anxiety about school, telling kids their fears aren’t real doesn’t make those fears go away.
In fact, it can do the opposite. It can make kids feel misunderstood—and more alone with their fear.
I’ve found it much more effective to say something like, “It’s okay to feel scared sometimes. I’m here with you.” You can still explain that monsters aren’t real or that school is a safe place, but do it after you’ve acknowledged the emotion itself.
Fear doesn’t respond well to logic until it’s first met with empathy.
6. “You’re making me upset.”
This one is subtle, but powerful.
When parents say things like “You’re making me sad” or “You’re stressing me out,” the message a child hears isn’t just “I’m having a hard time”—it’s “Your emotions are a burden.”
I learned this the hard way when my son was going through a defiant streak. One day I blurted out, “You’re making me so angry right now.” He paused and said, “So it’s my fault?”
It hit me like a brick.
What I meant was, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” but what he heard was that his behavior was responsible for my emotional state. That’s a heavy load for a child.
Instead, speak from your own experience: “I’m feeling frustrated right now and need a moment.” That subtle shift models emotional responsibility—and it’s a skill kids will carry for life.
7. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”
Comparison is a fast track to shame.
Even if you think you’re offering motivation, what kids hear is: “You’re not good enough the way you are.”
Sibling comparisons create competition, resentment, and long-term self-doubt. They don’t build better behavior—they build insecurity.
If you’re tempted to highlight someone else’s behavior as an example, try focusing on what you do want instead: “I noticed you’re having trouble listening right now. Let’s try that again.” Keep it about the moment—not about who they’re measuring up to.
Kids don’t need pressure to be someone else. They need encouragement to become more of who they are.
Final thoughts
Most of us didn’t grow up hearing language that honored our emotions.
So it makes sense that as parents, we sometimes struggle to offer that kind of language to our own kids. But becoming more aware of the phrases we use—and how they land—can make a huge difference.
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being intentional.
A small shift in words can build a stronger emotional bridge. And over time, those bridges become the foundation for trust, communication, and connection.
That’s the kind of parenting that sticks.
