I'm writing this from the other side of something I wasn't sure would happen. After spending a significant stretch of my adult life single—documenting that journey publicly, questioning if I'd somehow missed the relationship boat entirely—I'm now in a happy relationship. The irony isn't lost on me. But here's what I want to tell you: […]
I'm writing this from the other side of something I wasn't sure would happen. After spending a significant stretch of my adult life single—documenting that journey publicly, questioning if I'd somehow missed the relationship boat entirely—I'm now in a happy relationship. The irony isn't lost on me.
But here's what I want to tell you: everything I learned during those years of being single, everything I discovered about not needing a relationship to be complete—all of it was true. And paradoxically, it's what made this relationship possible.
As I shared in my YouTube video about the fear of loneliness when single:
I explored how society conditions us to believe happiness only comes through relationships. But what I've discovered since then is that the real tragedy isn't being single—it's settling for the wrong person because you're afraid of being alone.
After years of dating, failed relationships, and deep introspection about what actually matters in a partner, I've identified the personality traits that make the difference between a relationship that diminishes you and one that expands you. You don't need all of them—perfection is a myth that keeps us perpetually searching. But if someone has at least three of these traits, you might have found something worth pursuing.
1. They're comfortable with their own solitude
The best relationship I've ever been in is with someone who was perfectly content being single. She wasn't hunting for completion, wasn't desperate to fill a void. She'd built a life she loved—solo travel, personal projects, deep friendships—and I was an addition to that life, not the foundation of it.
People who are comfortable alone bring a different energy to relationships. They're not clinging to you for validation or entertainment. They can give you space without feeling abandoned. They understand that love isn't about merging into one entity but about two whole people choosing to share their completeness.
I spent years thinking I needed to find someone to cure my loneliness. What I actually needed was someone who had already cured their own.
2. They've done their inner work
Everyone has baggage—that's not the issue. The question is whether they're aware of it and actively working with it, or dragging it unconsciously into every interaction.
The person worth waiting for has been to therapy, or found other ways to examine their patterns. They can tell you about their triggers without making you responsible for managing them. They know the difference between their emotional reactions and objective reality.
During my single years, I went deep with Rudá Iandê's teachings about self-love and shadow work. I learned to recognize my patterns of idealization, my tendency to project perfection onto partners, my fear of genuine intimacy. When I finally met someone who had done similar work, our conversations had a different quality—less blame, more curiosity; less projection, more presence.
3. They celebrate your success without feeling diminished
I once dated someone who subtly undermined every achievement. When my business hit a milestone, she'd point out what was still missing. When an article went viral, she'd mention how digital metrics don't really matter. It took me months to realize she wasn't being "realistic"—she was threatened.
The right person lights up when you win. They brag about you to their friends. They push you toward your dreams even when it means time apart or lifestyle changes. Their ego isn't so fragile that your success feels like their failure.
This trait is rarer than you'd think, especially if you're ambitious or unconventional in your pursuits. Most people say they want a successful partner, but what they really want is someone successful enough to be impressive but not so successful that they feel overshadowed.
4. They can apologize without defending
Watch how someone handles being wrong. Do they say "I'm sorry, but..." followed by an explanation of why their behavior was actually justified? Or can they simply say, "I messed up. I'm sorry. How can I make this right?"
The ability to apologize cleanly—without deflection, without turning themselves into the victim, without immediately pointing out your faults too—is a superpower in relationships. It shows emotional maturity, security, and genuine care for repair over being right.
I used to be terrible at this. My apologies came wrapped in explanations, contextualization, subtle suggestions that maybe the other person was actually at fault. It wasn't until I learned to simply own my mistakes that my relationships started having space to breathe.
5. They're curious about who you're becoming, not attached to who you've been
The wrong person meets you and decides who you are. They create a fixed image—"the entrepreneur," "the free spirit," "the intellectual"—and resist any evolution beyond that framework. They'll say things like "you've changed" as an accusation rather than an observation.
The right person is fascinated by your growth. They ask questions about your new interests without feeling threatened. They support your career pivots, your spiritual explorations, your experiments with identity. They're not trying to lock you into a version of yourself that makes them comfortable.
After years of building Ideapod and The Vessel, I went through a period of questioning everything about my entrepreneurial identity. The right partner didn't panic about what this meant for our future. She got curious about what was emerging.
6. They can sit with difficult emotions without trying to fix them
When you're having a hard day, do they immediately jump into solution mode? Do they get uncomfortable with your sadness, your anxiety, your anger, and try to talk you out of it? Or can they simply be present with whatever you're feeling?
The ability to hold space for difficult emotions without trying to fix, minimize, or redirect them is profound. It means they're not using your happiness as a barometer for their own worth. They understand that feelings need to be felt, not solved.
This was one of my biggest lessons from being single—learning to sit with my own difficult emotions instead of immediately seeking distraction or validation. When I found someone who could do the same, it transformed how we navigate challenges together.
7. They maintain their own friendships and interests
Beware the person who wants to become your entire world. It might feel flattering at first—the constant togetherness, the way they drop everything for you—but it quickly becomes suffocating. A partner who maintains their own friendships, hobbies, and passions brings fresh energy into the relationship and gives you both room to miss each other.
The right person has a full life that exists independently of you. They have friends who challenge them, interests that light them up, and routines that ground them. They don't need you to be their social director or entertainment committee.
Having lived in cities like London, New York, Bangkok, and now Singapore, I've seen how easy it is to lose yourself in a new relationship, especially when you're far from old support networks. The partners who keep their own worlds intact are the ones who keep the relationship healthy.
8. They're honest even when it's uncomfortable
There's a difference between kindness and avoidance. The right person won't lie to keep the peace. They'll tell you when something's bothering them. They'll share their doubts, their fears, their concerns about the relationship—not to create drama, but because they value honesty over superficial harmony.
This kind of radical honesty requires courage. It means risking conflict, risking the other person's disappointment, risking being seen in full. But relationships built on comfortable lies eventually collapse under the weight of everything unsaid.
I'd rather have a partner who tells me a hard truth today than one who lets resentment build for months before exploding.
9. They respect your boundaries without taking them personally
When you say "I need some time alone tonight," the right person doesn't spiral into anxiety about what they did wrong. When you set a boundary around work, family, or personal space, they don't interpret it as rejection. They understand that boundaries aren't walls—they're the architecture that makes intimacy sustainable.
This trait is deeply connected to emotional security. Someone who can respect your boundaries has enough inner stability that your needs don't feel like threats. They know your "no" to one thing is a "yes" to the health of the relationship.
10. They make you feel safe enough to be your worst self
Not your best self—your worst. The person worth staying with is the one you can be ugly-crying in front of, the one who sees you anxious and irrational and doesn't hold it against you, the one who knows your shadow and still chooses to stay.
This doesn't mean accepting bad behavior. It means creating an environment where vulnerability isn't punished. Where you can admit "I'm struggling" without worrying it'll be used against you later. Where imperfection isn't just tolerated but genuinely welcomed as part of what makes you human.
For years, I thought the goal was to find someone I could impress. What I actually needed was someone I could be fully honest with. That shift in understanding changed everything about how I approach relationships.
Look, I'm not suggesting you walk around with a checklist, screening every potential partner against these ten criteria. Relationships are messier and more mysterious than any framework can capture. But after years of reflection—and after building platforms like Ideapod and The Vessel that explore what it means to live authentically—I've come to believe that the quality of your relationships depends less on finding "the one" and more on recognizing the traits that make genuine connection possible.
Stay single until you find someone who makes being together feel as free as being alone. That's not settling for less—it's holding out for what actually matters.
