Watching the older men in that golf group taught me more about retirement than any book ever could. The happy ones weren't necessarily the wealthiest or the healthiest. They were the ones who kept their purpose alive, kept moving, kept their friends close, kept learning, gave back, made peace with their age, and let go of what they couldn't change.
I used to play golf monthly with a group of guys. Most of them are quite a bit older than me. We had guys in their late 60s, a couple pushing 75. But what struck me about them wasn't their swing or their handicaps.
It was how genuinely content most of them seemed. Not in a forced "everything is great" kind of way, but in a way you could feel within five minutes of conversation on the first tee.
It got me thinking about what separates the happy retirees from the miserable ones — because we all know miserable retirees too, the ones who complain about everything from the weather to the youth to the food at the clubhouse.
So I started paying attention, and did some reading on top of it. Here are the seven behaviors I noticed most often in the men who seemed to have actually got retirement right.
Quick caveat before I go on: I'm not a doctor, a psychologist, or anyone qualified to give health advice. Just one writer watching how a particular group of men in their 60s and 70s seemed to be doing this stage of life well, with the research linked where it earns its place. Take what's useful.
1. They have something to get out of bed for
Without exception, the happiest guys in that group had something they were working on outside of the game.
Maybe it was restoring an old motorcycle. Maybe it was mentoring kids at his grandson's school. Another was writing a book about. None of these were jobs. But they were all purpose.
This isn't just my anecdotal observation. Popular research on the world's so-called Blue Zones — those regions where people regularly live past 100 — has consistently highlighted a clear sense of purpose, what the Okinawans call "ikigai," as one of the strongest correlates of a longer life.
The guys in the group who didn't have this — the ones who retired and then just stopped — I think were noticeably less content.
2. They keep moving
The science here is unambiguous. The CDC recommends that adults 65 and older get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity activity each week. It's not just a nice-to-have; as noted by the folks at Healthline, it can support brain and mental health, and even potentially slowing age-related cognitive decline.
The happy guys in the group seemed to instinctively get this. They moaned about getting older, sure, but they didn't use it as an excuse to stop.
3. They keep their friendships alive
You can't talk about a happy retirement without talking about relationships.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has now tracked the lives of men for over 80 years, has consistently found that the quality of our close relationships is the strongest predictor of happiness and physical health in later life — stronger than money, career, or even cholesterol levels. The study's current director, Robert Waldinger, has put it as plainly as a researcher ever does: good relationships keep us happier and healthier, full stop.
The men I played golf with weren't just there for the golf. They were there for each other. After our round, we'd usually grab a beer or a coffee, and the conversations weren't surface level. These guys talked about their kids, their marriages, their fears, their health scares. They actually listened.
It wasn't built by accident. It took decades of showing up, even when they didn't feel like it. Now in their 60s and 70s, that effort was paying off in a big way.
If you're a few decades younger and reading this, take note. The friendships you have at 70 are the ones you started investing in at 40.
4. They keep learning
Curiosity is one of the most underrated qualities in life, and it becomes even more valuable as we age. The happy retirees I knew seemed to treat life as an ongoing list of things they still didn't know about. They read. They asked questions. They tried new things, even when they were terrible at first.
The miserable ones, on the other hand, seemed to think they'd already figured it all out. They had opinions on everything and curiosity about nothing — and across that group, the second category aged noticeably worse than the first.
5. They give something back
This one is tied to purpose, but it's worth its own point.
A 2020 study that followed nearly 13,000 older adults and found that those who volunteered at least two hours a week had a lower risk of mortality, less depression, more optimism, and a stronger sense of purpose compared to those who didn't volunteer at all.
In the group, the guys who gave back the most also seemed to smile the most. One of them coached junior golfers on Saturday afternoons. Another delivered meals to elderly people who couldn't leave their homes — which, given that some of them were technically younger than him, had an irony he was well aware of.
Giving back also seemed to put their own problems in perspective. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're spending time with people who have far less than you do.
6. They've made peace with getting older
The happy retirees in that golf group didn't pretend to be 30. But they also didn't act like life was over.
They'd found a kind of middle ground where they accepted their age — the aches, the slower pace, the funerals of friends — without letting any of it define them. It's not about lying to yourself. It's about not writing yourself off.
The miserable retirees I've come across tend to live in one of two extremes. Either they're trying to recapture their 30s in a way that feels almost desperate, or they've already declared themselves done with life. Neither seems to work.
7. They don't dwell on what could have been
This one came through almost immediately in conversation. The happy guys talked about what they were doing now and what they were planning next. The unhappy ones talked about the business they should have started, the woman they should have married, or the promotion they didn't take 30 years ago.
We all have regrets — that's part of being human. But there's a difference between acknowledging them and being trapped by them.
The contented retirees in the group seemed to have arrived at a quiet acceptance of their past. Not pride in everything they did, just acceptance. And that freed them up to actually enjoy the present.
The bottom line
Watching the older men in that golf group taught me more about retirement than any book ever could. The happy ones weren't necessarily the wealthiest or the healthiest. They were the ones who kept their purpose alive, kept moving, kept their friends close, kept learning, gave back, made peace with their age, and let go of what they couldn't change.
That's not bad advice for any stage of life, really. But it seems to matter most in this one.
