There is a particular kind of kindness that appears in some adults in their second half of life that does not appear in their younger counterparts. The kindness is not, on close examination, the kind of generic warmth the wider cultural register tends to associate with older people. The kindness is, more specifically, a calibrated, observant kindness that seems to know things about the people it is being directed at. The kindness has the texture of having understood something rather than the texture of having decided to be nice.
The standard cultural framing tends to interpret this kindness as softening. The framing assumes that the older person has, by some combination of fatigue and resignation, lost the harder edges of a younger self. The framing is, on close examination, almost entirely wrong. The older person who has developed this kind of kindness has not, in most cases, softened in any meaningful sense. They have, more accurately, done a particular kind of internal work that has produced a structural shift in how they relate to other people, especially to the difficult ones.
The shift is the recognition. The recognition is that the difficult people the older person used to judge harshly are, on close examination, considerably more like the older person themselves than the younger version had been willing to acknowledge. The kindness that radiates from the older person in late life is, in some real way, the residue of this recognition. The kindness is not, in itself, the work. The kindness is what is left over once the work has been performed.
What the internal work actually consists of
It is worth being precise about the internal work, because the wider cultural register has not, on the available evidence, developed particularly good vocabulary for it.
The work involves, across a period of years or decades, the slow accumulation of evidence about one's own difficult features. The features include the various small ways in which a person has, across an adult life, been unfair, defensive, judgmental, dishonest with oneself, cruel without quite registering the cruelty, and otherwise difficult in ways that one had previously preferred not to attend to. The accumulating of this evidence is not, in most cases, something the person sets out to do. The accumulating happens, more accurately, as a side effect of paying honest attention to one's own life over a long enough period that the patterns become harder to deny.
The patterns, once they are visible, produce a particular kind of small ongoing recognition. The recognition is that the things one has been judging in other people are, in many cases, also present in oneself. The judgment, accordingly, has been operating on a kind of structural hypocrisy that the person had not previously noticed. The hypocrisy is not, in itself, dramatic. The hypocrisy is, more accurately, the ordinary structural feature of being a person who has been judging other people from inside one's own unexamined behavior.
The wider research on self-compassion has documented something structurally similar. Research by Kristin Neff and others has identified a component of self-compassion that they call "common humanity," which involves the recognition that one's own failures and limitations are not unique features of one's own defective character but rather features shared by most other human beings. The recognition produces, in the person who has developed it, a particular kind of solidarity with the difficult features of others, because the difficult features of others are now visible as also being features of oneself. The solidarity is what produces the kindness. The kindness is what is left when the judgment has stopped being possible.
Why this is structurally different from softening
The cultural register's interpretation of late-life kindness as softening misses, on close examination, what is actually distinguishing the configuration from the alternative.
Softening, in its standard form, involves the reduction of one's standards. The softening person no longer holds the difficult people to the standards a younger version of themselves would have held them to. The softening person has, in some real way, lowered expectations of the wider environment, and the lowered expectations produce the appearance of greater tolerance.
The recognition-based kindness is structurally different. The recognition-based person has not lowered their standards. The recognition-based person has, more accurately, recognized that the standards they had been applying to other people had never been honestly applied to themselves, and that the standards, applied honestly, would have produced the same difficult features in themselves that the standards were producing in the people they were judging. The standards have not changed. The application of the standards has been recalibrated to include the person applying them. The recalibration produces, by structural necessity, the dissolution of much of the judgment the standards had been generating.
What is left, after the dissolution, is not a softer person. What is left is, more accurately, a person who continues to hold high standards but who is no longer surprised when other people fall short of them, because the person now has a fully honest account of how often they themselves have fallen short of them. The not-being-surprised is what the wider register registers as kindness. The kindness is, in some real way, the absence of the moral surprise a younger version would have been displaying in the same situation.
What the research on aging supports
The empirical research on aging and self-compassion has been documenting something consistent with this picture. A 2016 study by Kristin Homan found a significant positive cor
