I held onto resentment for years - then I learned these 8 steps to truly let go

For a long time, I thought forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook. It felt unfair. If someone hurt me, why should I be the one to let go? Why should I be the one to move on?

So, I didn’t. I held onto resentment for years. I replayed conversations in my head. I justified my anger by calling it “boundaries.” But the truth was simpler—and harder to admit: I was stuck.

It wasn’t until I began studying mindfulness and Buddhist psychology that I realized resentment doesn’t punish the other person—it punishes you. It traps you in the past and makes peace impossible.

Letting go isn’t weakness. It’s strength. And if you’ve carried anger or pain for too long, these are the 8 steps that helped me finally release it for good.

1. Admit that resentment is a form of self-protection

Resentment often starts as a defense mechanism. When someone betrays or hurts you, your mind builds walls to keep you safe. You tell yourself you’re “just being cautious,” but what you’re really doing is carrying armor you no longer need.

For me, admitting this was humbling. I realized I wasn’t angry because I hated the other person—I was angry because I was scared it could happen again. Once I saw resentment for what it was (fear disguised as control), I could finally begin to let it soften.

2. Stop waiting for an apology

This was the hardest lesson of all. I kept thinking, “If they’d just admit what they did, then I could move on.” But waiting for closure from someone else is like waiting for rain in a drought. You stay thirsty forever.

True forgiveness is unconditional. You do it for your own peace, not because the other person deserves it. In fact, forgiveness has very little to do with them—and everything to do with your freedom.

When you stop needing them to change, you take your power back.

3. See the story you’ve been repeating

I used to replay the same mental film: what they said, what I should’ve said, how unfair it was. Each replay strengthened the resentment and kept me emotionally trapped in that version of myself—hurt, reactive, bitter.

Then I started to ask: “What story am I telling myself here? And is it still true?”

Most of the time, the story was outdated. The person had moved on. The situation had changed. But in my mind, it was still happening.

In my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How to Live with Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I write about this process of “unhooking” from narratives. You don’t erase the past—you just stop living there. You stop giving it fresh energy every day.

4. Feel the pain you’ve been avoiding

Resentment is often pain that hasn’t been processed. Instead of feeling grief, sadness, or disappointment, we cover it with anger—it’s easier to feel righteous than vulnerable.

But emotions don’t disappear just because you ignore them. They wait. They leak out in your tone, your tension, your relationships. Letting go starts by feeling what you’ve been running from.

I remember one night finally sitting with the sadness underneath the anger. It broke me open—but it also released something. The moment you feel the raw truth of your pain, you stop needing resentment to mask it.

5. Practice compassion—not for them, but for yourself

People often misunderstand compassion. It doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means understanding the humanity behind it—and the humanity within yourself.

When I started practicing self-compassion, something shifted. Instead of judging myself for holding onto anger (“You should be over this by now”), I began saying, “Of course you’re hurt. Anyone would be.”

That kind of inner gentleness softened the resentment naturally. It gave me room to heal without shame.

6. Reclaim your focus

Resentment is an energy leak. Every time you replay old wounds, you hand over your mental and emotional bandwidth to the past. That’s energy that could be spent building something new—relationships, habits, peace of mind.

So I made a conscious decision: whenever resentment arose, I would redirect my attention to the present moment. A deep breath. A small act of kindness. A reminder that this moment was fresh and unwritten.

Slowly, that redirection became a habit. And I realized—resentment can’t survive where attention is grounded in the now.

7. Create meaning from the pain

Letting go doesn’t mean pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It means turning that pain into something useful. Wisdom. Empathy. Strength.

When you find meaning in what broke you, you take back authorship of your own story. You go from victim to teacher, from hurt to healer.

For me, this became the heart of my work as a writer. Every experience that once made me bitter now gives me a deeper understanding of human nature—and a deeper compassion for others trying to do the same.

8. Choose peace daily—it’s not a one-time act

Forgiveness isn’t a single moment of grace. It’s a practice. Some days, I feel free; other days, the old resentment creeps back. When it does, I meet it like an old friend I’ve outgrown—acknowledge it, then gently let it pass.

That’s the real work of letting go. Not forcing yourself to forget, but reminding yourself that peace is a choice you can make again and again.

Final thoughts

It took me years to realize that forgiveness isn’t something you do for others. It’s something you do for your own sanity. It’s how you stop the past from stealing your present.

Resentment once felt like control, but it was actually a cage. And the key was always in my own pocket.

If you’ve been holding on too tightly for too long, I promise—letting go won’t make you weaker. It’ll make you lighter. You’ll finally have room to breathe again.

As I write in Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How to Live with Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, peace isn’t something you find by force. It’s what remains when you stop feeding the noise. When you choose presence over punishment, love over ego, and peace over being right.

That’s when life opens back up—and you realize that forgiveness was never about them. It was about freeing yourself all along.