Psychology says people who can't set boundaries without guilt usually had these 9 experiences early in life

Ever catch yourself apologizing for having needs? Or feeling that knot in your stomach when you have to tell someone "no"?

If setting boundaries makes you feel like you're doing something wrong, you're not alone. I spent years feeling guilty every time I tried to protect my own time and energy, constantly second-guessing whether I had the "right" to set limits with others.

Here's what I've learned through both personal experience and diving deep into psychological research: This struggle rarely comes out of nowhere.

The guilt we feel around boundaries often traces back to specific experiences we had growing up, experiences that taught us our needs came second, or that love was conditional on making others happy.

Understanding where these patterns come from can be the first step to finally breaking free. Let's explore the nine childhood experiences that psychology tells us often create adults who struggle with guilt-free boundary setting.

1) You were parentified as a child

Did you find yourself taking care of younger siblings, managing household responsibilities, or being your parent's emotional support system when you were still a kid yourself?

When children are thrust into adult roles too early, they learn that their value comes from taking care of others. Their own needs? Those get pushed aside.

Fast forward to adulthood, and setting a boundary feels selfish because you were programmed to believe everyone else's needs matter more than yours.

I've worked with so many people who describe feeling "mean" when they say no to helping others, even when they're completely overwhelmed. That's the parentified child still running the show, believing their worth depends on being everyone's caretaker.

2) Your emotions were minimized or dismissed

• "Stop being so sensitive."
• "You're overreacting."
• "Big kids don't cry about things like that."

Sound familiar? When our feelings are consistently invalidated during childhood, we learn not to trust our own emotional responses. We start believing that what bothers us shouldn't really bother us, that we're being "too much" when we express discomfort.

This creates adults who feel guilty for having boundaries because deep down, they wonder if their feelings are even valid. If you were told your emotions were wrong as a child, of course you're going to question whether you have the right to set limits based on those emotions now.

3) Love felt conditional on your achievements

Being labeled "gifted" in elementary school seemed like a blessing at first, but it created this invisible pressure to be perfect that followed me for decades.

Every good grade, every achievement, earned praise and attention. Every mistake or mediocre performance? Disappointment, even if unspoken.

When love and approval are tied to performance, we learn that we're only valuable when we're excelling, helping, or making others proud. Setting boundaries feels dangerous because what if people stop loving us when we stop being useful to them?

Psychology research shows that children who experience conditional love often become adults who struggle to say no, terrified that setting limits will cost them the relationships they've worked so hard to maintain.

4) You were praised for being "easy" or "no trouble"

Were you the "good kid" who never caused problems? The one teachers loved because you never complained?

While being cooperative isn't inherently bad, when it becomes your primary source of praise, you learn that having needs or causing any inconvenience makes you "difficult." You internalize the message that good people don't have boundaries, they accommodate everyone else.

I remember realizing in therapy that my people-pleasing tendencies developed directly from being the child who never wanted to be a burden. Setting boundaries felt like betraying the very identity that had earned me love and approval my whole life.

5) Your family had poor boundaries themselves

Did privacy not really exist in your house? Were you expected to share everything, have no secrets, and be available to family members at all times?

When boundary violations are normalized in childhood, we don't develop a healthy sense of where we end and others begin. We learn that having personal limits is somehow wrong or mean.

Psychologist Lindsay Gibson notes that children from enmeshed families often struggle with guilt when asserting independence because they've been taught that boundaries equal rejection.

If saying "I need space" was treated like saying "I don't love you" in your family, no wonder boundaries feel impossible now.

6) You witnessed a parent being punished for having boundaries

Sometimes we learn through observation. Maybe you watched one parent constantly sacrifice their needs to keep peace. Or perhaps you saw what happened when someone tried to set limits: Silent treatment, explosive anger, or emotional manipulation.

These experiences teach us that boundaries are dangerous. They lead to conflict, abandonment, or punishment. So we learn to avoid them entirely, choosing the familiar discomfort of having no boundaries over the scary unknown of potential confrontation.

7) Your needs were treated as inconvenient

• "Can't this wait?"
• "I don't have time for this right now."
• "Why do you always need something?"

When our childhood needs are consistently treated as burdens, we internalize the belief that we're too much. We learn to minimize ourselves, to take up less space, to need less.

As adults, this translates into feeling guilty for having any needs at all. Setting a boundary feels like admitting you have requirements, and that feels like being the inconvenient child all over again.

8) You were rewarded for self-sacrifice

Did your family celebrate when you gave up something you wanted for someone else? Were you praised for putting others first, even when it hurt you?

While teaching children to share and consider others is important, taken to an extreme, it creates adults who feel guilty for any act of self-preservation. You learned that good people sacrifice, that love means giving until it hurts, that your pain is less important than others' comfort.

9) Expressing anger was forbidden or dangerous

Anger is the emotion that helps us recognize when our boundaries are being crossed. But what if anger wasn't safe in your house? What if getting angry meant being punished, ignored, or seeing a parent become frightening?

Many people who struggle with boundaries report that they were never allowed to be angry as children. Girls especially are often taught that anger is unladylike or mean. Without access to healthy anger, we lose our internal alarm system that tells us when something isn't okay.

I had to confront my parents' disappointment and realize I couldn't live for their approval anymore. Learning that my anger was valid, that it was actually trying to protect me, changed everything about how I approach boundaries.

Final thoughts

Recognizing yourself in these experiences can be both validating and painful. It's hard to realize that the guilt you feel around boundaries isn't a character flaw but a learned response from childhood.

But here's what I want you to know: These patterns can be unlearned. The guilt you feel when setting boundaries is not a sign you're doing something wrong. It's an old alarm system that no longer serves you, installed by experiences that taught you incorrect lessons about your worth and rights.

Therapy can be incredibly helpful in working through these childhood experiences and developing healthier boundary-setting skills. So can practicing self-compassion as you slowly start asserting your needs, knowing the guilt will fade with time and repetition.

Your needs matter. Your boundaries are valid. And you deserve relationships where setting limits doesn't cost you love or connection.