Psychology says the reason some people physically stiffen when someone hugs them isn't social awkwardness — it's that their nervous system never learned to associate physical touch with safety, and the body remembers what the mind tries to forget

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to freeze up when you go in for a hug? Their whole body goes rigid, arms awkwardly hovering, like they're waiting for it to be over?

I used to think these people were just socially awkward or maybe not the touchy-feely type. But then I learned something that completely changed my perspective: sometimes, the body's reaction to touch has nothing to do with personality or preference. Sometimes, it's our nervous system telling a story we might not even remember.

As Dr. Ruth Lanius, psychiatrist and researcher, explains: "Trauma is an insult to the senses, leaving a lasting impact: It affects what we see, hear, and feel, and how we interpret our environment."

When someone stiffens at physical touch, their body might be protecting them from something their conscious mind has long forgotten or pushed aside. The nervous system, in its infinite wisdom, remembers what felt unsafe, even when we don't.

Understanding your body's alarm system

Think about it this way: your nervous system is like a really sophisticated security system that never turns off. Michelle McQuaid, Ph.D., Workplace Well-being Teacher, puts it perfectly: "Our brain's number one job is to keep us alive. One of the ways it does this is by constantly taking in information—from the world around you and from inside your body—and asking: Am I safe enough or not safe enough to handle what's happening right now?"

For some people, that internal alarm goes off when someone reaches out for physical contact. Not because the person hugging them is dangerous, but because somewhere along the way, their nervous system learned that touch equals threat.

I remember working through this myself during a therapy session where I cried for the first time in years. My therapist pointed out how I physically pulled back whenever she leaned forward, even just slightly. My body was keeping score of stress in ways my spreadsheets from my financial analyst days never could have shown me. That moment taught me so much about emotional suppression and how our bodies hold onto experiences we think we've processed.

Why touch becomes complicated

Here's something that might surprise you: we're literally wired for touch from day one. Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., Adjunct Faculty Member at the University of Utah School of Medicine, reminds us that "Touch is the first way we come to know the world. Before we speak, before we even open our eyes, we feel."

So what happens when that fundamental sense becomes associated with danger or discomfort? The nervous system essentially rewires itself for protection rather than connection.

NIH Research indicates that the nervous system processes pleasant touch through specific pathways, and disruptions in these pathways can affect the perception of touch. When these pathways get disrupted, what should feel comforting can instead trigger a stress response.

The body's memory bank

You know how sometimes you smell something and suddenly you're transported back to your grandmother's kitchen? Our bodies store memories in similar ways, but with physical sensations instead of scents.

MDPI Research suggests that traumatic experiences can lead to somatic flashbacks, where individuals re-experience physical sensations associated with past traumas. This means someone might feel the same physical discomfort or fear they felt years ago, triggered by something as simple as a friendly pat on the shoulder.

I've seen this in my own journey too. Working through people-pleasing tendencies I developed from being a "gifted child," I realized how much my body held onto the need for approval. Every hug felt like a test I might fail, every touch a potential judgment.

Healing through understanding

The good news? Understanding what's happening can be the first step toward healing. Dr. Evan Parks, clinical psychologist, emphasizes that "Providing patients with knowledge about the nervous system is essential for changing the balance scale in the brain."

Once you understand that your body's reaction isn't wrong or broken, but rather a protective mechanism that served you at some point, you can start working with it instead of against it.

Dr. Robert T. Muller, clinical psychologist and trauma expert, offers hope: "Touch can induce trance and simultaneously provide the grounding rod to gain control over dissociative processes." In other words, while touch might initially trigger discomfort, it can also become part of the healing process when approached safely and intentionally.

The path forward

Remember that vulnerability isn't the same as being vulnerable to harm. This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, discovering that my need for control stemmed from childhood anxiety about my parents' approval. Once I understood this, I could start separating past fears from present reality.

Dr. Stephen W. Porges, neurobiologist and researcher, explains: "The vagus influences heart rate and breathing. It is intimately involved in how we perceive, react to, and recover from stress." This means we can actually work with our nervous system to help it recognize safety again.

If you or someone you know struggles with physical touch, there are ways to gradually rebuild that sense of safety. Start small, with touch you control. Maybe it's placing your own hand on your chest or giving yourself a gentle hug. Work with a therapist who understands trauma and the body's responses. Most importantly, be patient with yourself or others going through this process.

Final thoughts

The next time you encounter someone who stiffens at a hug or pulls away from physical contact, remember that their body might be telling a story of survival. Hara Estroff Marano, Psychologist and Author, reminds us: "The need to feel and be safe is a deep driving force of all life, including human."

Creating safety for ourselves and others means respecting these bodily boundaries while also understanding that healing is possible. Our nervous systems learned these responses, and with time, patience, and the right support, they can learn new ones too.

The body remembers, yes. But it can also relearn, rebuild, and eventually, reconnect.