While the bonds of blood run deep, psychology reveals that certain family relationships become increasingly toxic as we age, affecting not just our mental health but potentially shortening our lives—and recognizing which ones to let go of might be the most important decision you make for your future wellbeing.
Let's be honest: family relationships get complicated as we age.
The people we grew up with, the ones who shaped us, aren't always the ones who serve our growth as adults. And here's the kicker - sometimes holding onto certain family connections actually holds us back from becoming who we're meant to be.
Psychology research backs this up. It's not just about feeling drained after family dinners or dreading holiday gatherings. The impact runs deeper, affecting our mental health, our other relationships, and even our physical wellbeing as we age.
So which family members might be worth reconsidering as you get older? Let's dive into what the research and experts say.
1. The ones who constantly rewrite history
Ever notice how some family members seem to remember events completely differently than you do? Not just minor details - I'm talking about major rewrites that paint them as heroes or victims, regardless of what actually happened.
Claire Jack, Ph.D., a hypnotherapist and life coach, explains it perfectly: "Toxic family members create narratives which support their needs—even if it means masking over unacceptable behaviour in the past."
This isn't just annoying. It's gaslighting. And as you get older, you realize you don't need people in your life who make you question your own memories and experiences. Your truth matters, and anyone who consistently denies it might be someone to distance yourself from.
2. The excluders who make you feel invisible
You know the type. They plan family events without telling you, share inside jokes you're never part of, or somehow "forget" to include you in important family discussions.
I've seen this with one of my siblings - there's always this subtle wall, like you're watching the family through a window instead of being part of it.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author, puts it this way: "Being excluded by a parent or sibling sets you up to feel like you don't belong in other places in your life."
Think about that. The damage extends way beyond family gatherings. It seeps into your friendships, your workplace, your romantic relationships. If a family member consistently makes you feel like an outsider, it might be time to stop seeking their inclusion.
3. The clique formers who thrive on division
Speaking of exclusion, let's talk about those family members who turn everything into an us-versus-them situation. They're always whispering in corners, forming alliances, and creating unnecessary drama.
Claire Jack, Ph.D. nails this dynamic: "Toxic families thrive on cliques. Whether it's gossiping about a 'weaker' member of the family in order for a clique to shore up their vulnerable sense of ego, or whether a clique is formed out of jealousy towards another sibling, forming cliques is a way of allying yourself with another family member—despite the fact that it can be very damaging to someone who is outside the clique."
These are the relatives who pull you aside at gatherings to complain about other family members, expecting you to pick sides. They create unnecessary stress and turn what should be supportive relationships into political minefields.
4. The ones who never evolved past their worst behaviors
We all have family members who haven't changed since we were kids. But I'm not talking about Uncle Bob still telling the same jokes. I mean those who still exhibit the same harmful behaviors - the same anger issues, the same manipulation tactics, the same disrespect for boundaries.
Research from UCSF found that older adults with a history of adverse childhood experiences, such as exposure to physical violence or abuse, are more likely to experience physical and cognitive impairments in their senior years.
The damage from these unchanging toxic patterns isn't just emotional - it's physical too. If someone in your family is still operating from the same harmful playbook they used decades ago, consider whether that relationship is worth the toll it takes on your health.
5. The guilt trippers who weaponize "family"
"But we're family!" How many times have you heard this used to justify terrible behavior?
I remember having a crisis moment at my grandmother's Thanksgiving when she actually cried because I wouldn't eat her food. The guilt was overwhelming, but looking back, using tears to manipulate someone into breaking their personal boundaries isn't love - it's control.
These family members make every interaction feel like an obligation. They remind you of everything they've done for you, how much they've sacrificed, how hurt they are by your "choices." They make you feel guilty for having boundaries, for growing, for changing.
Here's what I've learned: genuine love doesn't require guilt as currency.
6. The ones stuck in old family roles
Remember when you were the "baby" of the family? Or the "responsible one"? Or the "troublemaker"? Some family members refuse to let you grow beyond these childhood labels.
They still treat you like you're twelve, dismissing your accomplishments and opinions because in their minds, you're frozen in time. They can't see the person you've become because they're too attached to who you used to be.
I've mentioned this before, but growth requires space. If family members can't acknowledge your evolution, they might be keeping you stuck in patterns you've worked hard to outgrow.
7. The energy vampires who only take
Finally, there are those family members who treat you like an emotional ATM. Every conversation is about their problems, their drama, their needs. They never ask how you're doing - or if they do, they immediately pivot back to themselves.
Research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that older adults who experienced poor family relationships during adolescence have an increased risk of premature death, even when accounting for other adverse childhood conditions.
Let that sink in. These draining relationships don't just exhaust you emotionally - they can literally shorten your life. Is maintaining a relationship with someone who only depletes you really worth that cost?
Wrapping up
Look, I get it. Cutting ties with family members feels unnatural, maybe even wrong. We're taught that family is forever, that blood is thicker than water, that we should forgive and forget.
But here's what I've learned: choosing your peace isn't selfish. It's necessary.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do - for yourself and even for them - is create distance. My own family became more accepting after seeing the positive changes in my health and happiness when I stopped trying to force relationships that weren't working.
You don't have to make dramatic announcements or burn bridges. You can simply choose to invest your energy in relationships that nourish rather than drain you. Because as we get older, we realize time is precious, and we deserve to spend it with people who add to our lives, not subtract from them.
Family or not.
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Jordan Cooper
Jordan Cooper is a food and culture writer based in Venice Beach, California. Before turning to writing full-time, he spent nearly two decades working in restaurants, first as a line cook, then front of house, eventually managing small independent venues around Los Angeles. That experience gave him an understanding of food culture that goes beyond recipes and trends, into the economics, labor, and community dynamics that shape what ends up on people’s plates.
At VegOut, Jordan covers food culture, nightlife, music, and the broader cultural forces influencing how and why people eat. His writing connects the dots between what is happening in kitchens and what is happening in neighborhoods, bringing a ground-level perspective that comes from years of working in the industry rather than observing it from the outside.
When he is not writing, Jordan can be found at live music shows, exploring LA’s sprawling food scene, or cooking elaborate meals for friends. He believes the best food writing should make you understand something about people, not just about ingredients.
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