Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects roughly 0.5% to 5% of the general population. A person who brags about their accomplishments at parties or posts too many selfies? Probably not a clinical narcissist. They might just be insecure, immature, or simply not your cup of tea.
I'll admit it. I've thrown around the word "triggered" after watching a particularly cringeworthy reality TV moment. And I've definitely called at least one difficult coworker a "narcissist" behind their back.
If you're being honest, you've probably done something similar.
These days, psychology terms have seeped into our everyday vocabulary. We drop them into casual conversations, text them to friends, and see them splashed across social media. But here's the thing I've been learning: many of us are using these words completely wrong.
And that actually matters.
As psychologist Naomi Torres-Mackie from Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City has explained, when we misuse these terms, we "dilute the meaning of the words themselves, and we know that words have power." She notes that being too quick to throw labels around "can derail nuanced, important conversations, and create this idea of an assumed meaning."
So let's dig into the psychology buzzwords we're probably getting wrong and what they actually mean.
1. Gaslighting
This one became so popular that Merriam-Webster crowned it the 2022 Word of the Year. Now everyone seems to be accusing everyone else of gaslighting.
Your partner forgot you mentioned dinner plans? Gaslighting. Your friend remembers a conversation differently than you do? Definitely gaslighting.
Except... it's usually not.
True gaslighting is a deliberate manipulation tactic where someone systematically makes you question your own sanity, memory, and perception of reality. The term comes from the 1944 film where a husband dims the gaslights in their home, then insists to his wife that she's imagining things when she notices.
A real example might be a partner repeatedly insisting that conversations never happened, hiding your belongings and suggesting you lost them, or consistently telling you that your emotional reactions are crazy or unfounded. The key word here is intentional. It's calculated. It's designed to destabilize you.
Someone misremembering a conversation or disagreeing with your interpretation of events isn't gaslighting. That's just being human.
2. Narcissist
Every difficult person in our lives seems to have earned this label by now. The colleague who talks too much about herself. The ex who couldn't commit. The friend who always needs to be the center of attention.
But here's what I learned after years of working in corporate environments where office politics ran rampant: being self-centered or annoying isn't the same as having a personality disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual clinical diagnosis that affects roughly 0.5% to 5% of the general population. It involves deep patterns of grandiosity, a profound need for admiration, difficulty with empathy, and behaviors that significantly impair functioning and relationships.
A person who brags about their accomplishments at parties or posts too many selfies? Probably not a clinical narcissist. They might just be insecure, immature, or simply not your cup of tea.
When we casually diagnose everyone we find difficult as a narcissist, we minimize the experiences of people who have actually survived relationships with someone who has this disorder. And we give ourselves an easy label that lets us stop examining the real dynamics at play.
3. Trauma
I've heard people describe bad haircuts, awkward dates, and flight delays as "traumatic." And I get it. Sometimes we just want a word that captures how awful something felt.
But clinically, trauma refers to experiences that are life-threatening or involve serious harm. We're talking about events like surviving violence, accidents, abuse, combat, or natural disasters. The psychological impact of true trauma can include flashbacks, nightmares, and fundamental changes in how someone experiences safety in the world.
Your embarrassing moment at the work presentation? That was probably mortifying, uncomfortable, maybe even shame-inducing. But it wasn't trauma in the clinical sense.
This distinction matters because when we use "trauma" to describe everyday difficulties, we risk minimizing the experiences of people who are genuinely struggling with post-traumatic responses. We also lose access to more precise language that could actually help us process what we're feeling.
4. Triggered
Remember when trigger warnings started appearing on content to help trauma survivors prepare for potentially distressing material? That was actually appropriate use of the term.
But somewhere along the way, "triggered" became shorthand for any negative emotional reaction. Someone disagrees with your opinion online? Triggered. Your roommate ate your leftovers? So triggered right now.
In mental health contexts, being triggered means something specific. It describes the experience of encountering something that activates a trauma response, essentially causing your body and mind to react as if the traumatic event were happening again. For someone with PTSD, this might mean a sound, smell, or image that brings back vivid memories and physical symptoms related to their trauma.
Feeling annoyed, frustrated, or upset isn't the same thing. Those are just normal human emotions, and we have plenty of words to describe them.
5. Boundaries
Setting boundaries has become the ultimate self-help advice. And healthy boundaries are genuinely important for our wellbeing.
But I've noticed something interesting happening. The word "boundaries" is increasingly being used to control other people's behavior rather than to protect one's own limits.
Here's the thing: a boundary is something you set for yourself. It's a personal limit about what you will and won't accept, and it's enforced by your own actions. Telling your partner they can't have friends of the opposite gender isn't a boundary. That's a demand.
We often "use the word boundary so loosely that all of us can slip into that and say, 'You crossed my boundary because you didn't do what I want you to do,' but that's just not how 'boundary' is used."
A real boundary sounds like: "I won't engage in conversations where I'm being yelled at." The enforcement is you leaving the room. It's not about controlling whether the other person yells.
6. Toxic
Everything and everyone seems to be "toxic" these days. Toxic workplaces, toxic friendships, toxic positivity, toxic masculinity.
While the term can be useful for describing patterns of behavior that are genuinely harmful, it's become a catchall for anything we simply don't like. Your coworker who sends too many emails? Toxic. A friend who canceled plans? So toxic.
Dr. Tuesday Burns, psychiatrist at UW School of Medicine, has pointed out in UW Medicine's Right as Rain that problems arise when these terms are used "as a way of shutting others down, manipulating them or to dodge the actual self-work that therapy is meant to encourage."
Using "toxic" as a label can be a way to write someone off entirely without examining the nuances of the relationship or our own role in it. Sometimes people are just imperfect. Sometimes relationships are challenging. That's different from genuinely toxic patterns that cause consistent emotional damage.
7. Self-care
Ah, self-care. The term that launched a thousand face masks and wine nights.
In mental health contexts, self-care actually refers to the fundamental practices that maintain our physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. This includes basics like sleep, nutrition, exercise, and attending to medical needs. It also encompasses emotional practices like setting limits, managing stress, and staying connected to supportive relationships.
But self-care has been co-opted to justify all kinds of choices, some of which are actually the opposite of caring for ourselves. Maxing out your credit card on a shopping spree isn't self-care. Skipping responsibilities to binge-watch shows for days isn't really self-care either.
The original concept was about sustainable practices that support your long-term wellbeing. Not everything that feels good in the moment qualifies.
Final thoughts
I'm not here to be the vocabulary police. Language evolves, and there's real value in having accessible words to describe our emotional experiences.
But when we throw around clinical terms casually, we create confusion. We minimize the experiences of people who are genuinely struggling with these issues. And we often shut down important conversations before they can even start.
The good news? We can all get a little more precise. Instead of "gaslighting," maybe it's just a disagreement. Instead of "narcissist," maybe they're just self-involved. Instead of "trauma," maybe it was deeply upsetting.
Small shifts in language can open up bigger, more honest conversations. And isn't that what we're all actually looking for?
