Politeness changes by generation. Boomers lean formal, younger people lean casual. That clash shows up in these nine habits.
We’ve all had that moment where someone older is being genuinely kind and somehow we still feel a little weird about it.
Not because they’re doing anything wrong. Not because we’re ungrateful. But because the “polite script” they’re using was written in a different era, with different social rules, and a different idea of what respect looks like.
A lot of Boomers were raised on manners that emphasized deference, formality, and not making waves.
Younger generations tend to value clarity, equality, and boundaries. When those two styles collide, politeness can land as awkwardness.
Let’s talk about nine well-intended habits that can feel clunky today, plus what to do instead if you want to keep the respect without the weird vibe.
1) Insisting on handshakes for everything
I’ve met people who reach for a handshake like it’s mandatory. Hello, goodbye, congrats, apology. It’s a whole routine.
Handshakes can be totally fine. The awkward part is the assumption that physical contact is the default.
Younger generations grew up with more awareness around personal space, germs, and consent. We’re also more likely to consider that someone might have anxiety, sensory issues, or cultural reasons for not wanting to touch.
If you like having a greeting ritual, there are easy swaps that still feel warm: A smile, a nod, a small wave, or simply asking, “Handshake or no?”
That one question communicates something big: Your comfort matters too.
2) Using formal titles when the vibe is casual
- “Mr. Johnson.”
- “Mrs. Williams.”
- “Miss.”
- “Ma’am.”
For many Boomers, titles equal respect. Simple.
But to younger ears, that formality can sound like distance, hierarchy, or an accidental comment on gender and marital status. “Miss” and “Mrs.” especially can feel like being sorted into a category you didn’t choose.
It can also get strange at work. A Boomer might think they’re being professional, while a younger colleague is aiming for a more collaborative tone. Suddenly it feels like you’re talking to your principal, not your teammate.
A respectful middle ground is to ask what someone prefers, or mirror what they use. If they sign an email with “Sam,” it’s safe to use Sam.
And if you’re the younger person, a simple “You can call me Ava” usually fixes it.
3) Over-apologizing to be polite
Some people apologize as social padding.
- “Sorry to bother you.”
- “Sorry, quick question.”
- “Sorry, but…”
It’s meant to soften the interaction and avoid being a burden. But younger generations can hear it as unnecessary guilt, or as a sign someone doesn’t feel allowed to take up space.
I’ve had to retrain my own reflex here. When I’m about to say “Sorry” out of habit, I swap it with gratitude or clarity.
Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” try “Thanks for taking a minute.” Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thanks for waiting.”
You still sound considerate, but you don’t shrink yourself in the process.
4) Treating punctuality like a moral issue
Many Boomers were taught that being on time equals having good character. Being late wasn’t just inconvenient. It was disrespectful.
Younger generations still care about time, but we often see lateness through a different lens: Transit, work overload, mental health, caregiving, or a culture where schedules are looser outside of formal settings.
When someone reacts to a five-minute delay with a lecture, it can feel disproportionate. Like you’ve been judged, not just delayed.
The polite habit here is the seriousness. The awkward impact is the intensity.
The modern version of respect is communication. A quick text. A realistic ETA. Or for the other person, a calmer response: “Thanks for the update.”
If you’re the one who gets stressed about lateness, name the need without shaming: “It helps me when we start on time. Can we aim for that?”
5) Offering unsolicited help as a form of caring
Boomers often show love through practical support: Doing things for you, fixing things, jumping in before you ask.
It can be generous. It can also feel intrusive.
Younger generations tend to value autonomy. We want to be asked before someone takes over, rearranges our stuff, or “helps” by making decisions for us.
I once watched someone try to help a younger coworker by literally taking the mouse from their hand. They thought they were being efficient. The coworker looked frozen.
If you want your help to land well, ask first. “Do you want a hand or do you prefer to handle it?” works almost every time.
Kindness stays. Control stays with the other person.
6) Asking personal questions that feel like an interview
- “How much do you make?”
- “Are you seeing anyone?”
- “When are you having kids?”
- “How much was your rent?”
For a lot of Boomers, these questions are normal conversation. They come from a time when community was built through personal details, and privacy had different boundaries.
For younger people, it can feel like being put on the spot. Not because we’re overly sensitive, but because these topics can be loaded: Money stress, fertility, identity, relationship pressure, trauma, or just a desire to keep some things private.
The polite intention is interest. The awkward impact is invasiveness.
If you want connection without pressure, try open-ended questions that give the other person control: “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” or “What are you excited about right now?”
And if you’re the one being questioned, redirecting is fair: “Work’s steady, but I’ve been getting into running again.” Most people follow your lead.
7) Thank-you notes as a rule, not a gesture
I have a soft spot for thank-you notes. They’re thoughtful and they make people feel seen.
But there’s a specific Boomer version where it becomes a requirement. If you don’t mail a handwritten note within the “proper” timeframe, it’s treated as a failure of manners.
Younger generations often show gratitude differently: A text, a voice note, a photo using the gift, a heartfelt message that’s immediate instead of formal.
This is a helpful question: Do I want appreciation, or do I want a specific ritual?
Because you can have real appreciation without the exact tradition.
If you’re the note-writer, keep doing it because you love it. Just try not to turn it into a silent test other people don’t realize they’re taking.
8) Avoiding directness to “keep things polite”
Boomers were often taught that directness equals rudeness. So they soften, hint, or circle around what they really mean.
Younger generations tend to prefer clarity. When someone is vague, we don’t always read it as polite. We read it as confusing, passive-aggressive, or emotionally unsafe.
- “I’m fine.”
- “Do whatever you want.”
- “Must be nice.”
Sometimes it’s a habit. Sometimes it becomes a trap where the other person has to guess the real message.
The polite habit is avoiding discomfort. The awkward impact is the lack of transparency.
The modern version of respect is being kind and direct at the same time: “I’d actually prefer if we didn’t do that,” or “I’m not up for company tonight, but thank you.”
It might feel blunt at first, but it saves everyone from mind-reading.
9) Pushing food on people as hospitality
This shows up at every gathering.
- “Have more.”
- “You barely ate.”
- “Just try a little.”
It’s meant as love. Feeding people has long been a symbol of care.
But younger generations are more likely to have dietary choices, allergies, sensory needs, religious restrictions, or a complicated history with food. Pressure, even friendly pressure, can feel like boundaries don’t matter.
As a vegan, I’ve seen this from both sides. People sometimes push food on me like it’s a personal challenge. Other times, they act like my plate is a judgment. Either way, it gets tense fast.
The most respectful hospitality is simple: Offer, then release. “Want some?” No? “Cool, it’s here if you change your mind.”
Final thoughts
If you recognized a parent, a boss, a neighbor, or even yourself in this list, take a breath. These habits exist because someone was trying to do the right thing.
The key is remembering that politeness evolves. Real respect isn’t about sticking to an old script. It’s about reading the room, honoring boundaries, and staying curious about how other people experience your good intentions.
Here’s what I’ll leave you with: Which of these habits have you misread before, either in yourself or someone else? That little moment of awareness is usually where awkwardness turns into connection.
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