While younger generations often believe they're being respectful and kind to older adults, many common phrases we use actually strip away their dignity, autonomy, and humanity in ways we don't even realize.
Growing up, I watched my grandmother deflect every compliment about her cooking with "Oh, it's just something I threw together." Even when she'd spent hours preparing a feast from scratch, she'd minimize her effort.
I thought it was modesty until years later, when I caught myself doing the same thing after spending months on a financial analysis project. That's when I realized how deeply these patterns run through generations.
Now, as someone who's witnessed both sides of the generational divide, I've noticed something troubling. Well-meaning younger folks often say things to older adults that sound respectful on the surface but actually diminish their dignity and autonomy.
After helping my parents navigate their later years, including my dad's heart attack at 68 and being my mother's caregiver after her surgery, I've become acutely aware of these subtle forms of ageism.
Let's explore eight common phrases that need to disappear from our vocabulary when talking to people over 60.
1) "You're so cute!"
Would you call your boss cute for sharing an opinion in a meeting? Probably not. Yet I've heard countless younger people use this phrase when an older person expresses enthusiasm about something or shares a story.
When my 72-year-old neighbor started learning Spanish on Duolingo, a younger friend commented, "That's so cute that you're still learning new things!" The look on her face said it all. She wasn't a toddler taking first steps; she was an accomplished woman adding another skill to her repertoire.
This infantilizing language reduces older adults to adorable novelties rather than capable individuals. They're expressing opinions, pursuing interests, and living full lives, not performing tricks for our amusement.
2) "You're good with technology for your age"
This backhanded compliment assumes incompetence as the baseline. When I helped my parents downsize, I discovered my mother had been coding websites as a hobby for five years. Yet people constantly express surprise when she mentions anything tech-related.
The qualifier "for your age" immediately establishes lower expectations. It's patronizing and overlooks the fact that many people over 60 have been adapting to new technologies their entire careers. They witnessed the birth of personal computers, the internet, and smartphones. They're not digital immigrants; they're digital pioneers.
3) "Let me do that for you"
Sometimes help is needed and appreciated. But automatically assuming someone needs assistance because of their age strips away their independence. During my mother's recovery from surgery, I learned the delicate balance between support and overreach.
One day, she snapped at me for trying to carry her grocery bag. "I had surgery on my knee, not my arms," she said. That moment taught me to ask first: "Would you like some help with that?" This simple shift respects their autonomy and lets them decide what they need.
4) "You probably don't remember, but..."
This phrase immediately questions someone's mental capacity. Unless the person has explicitly mentioned memory issues, assuming forgetfulness based on age alone is insulting.
My father, despite being 70, remembers details from decades ago with crystal clarity. He can recall entire conversations from business meetings in the 1980s. Yet people often preface stories with this phrase, as if his age automatically equals cognitive decline.
5) "You're so young at heart"
What does this even mean? That getting older automatically makes you boring, rigid, or joyless? This phrase suggests that enthusiasm, playfulness, and vitality are exclusive to youth.
I recently read Rudá Iandê's "Laughing in the Face of Chaos", and one insight particularly resonated: "The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other is the gift of our own wholeness, the gift of our own radiant, unbridled humanity." This wholeness doesn't diminish with age; if anything, it deepens.
The book inspired me to see how we often box people into age-related stereotypes, denying them their full humanity. Older adults aren't "young at heart"; they're simply human, with all the complexity, joy, and vitality that entails at any age.
6) "Back in your day..."
This phrase creates an artificial divide, as if older adults exist in some distant historical period rather than right here, right now. They're not relics from another era; they're living in the same present moment we all share.
When someone says this to my mother, she often responds, "My day is today, thank you very much." She still reads current bestsellers, follows political developments, and engages with contemporary culture. Her past experiences inform her present, but they don't trap her there.
7) "Do you need me to explain that?"
Unless someone has asked for clarification, offering unsolicited explanations assumes ignorance. I've watched younger relatives explain basic concepts to my parents, who both hold advanced degrees and ran successful careers.
My mother still introduces me as "my daughter who worked in finance" rather than "my daughter the writer," perhaps because she understands the weight of professional accomplishment better than I did at 25. These are people who've navigated complex life situations we're just beginning to encounter.
8) "You must be so proud of your grandchildren"
While grandchildren can certainly be a source of joy, reducing someone's identity to their role as a grandparent ignores their individual accomplishments and ongoing pursuits. Not everyone has grandchildren, and those who do have lives beyond that role.
After having honest conversations with my parents about mental health, breaking generations of silence on the topic, I realized how much they'd grown and evolved as individuals. They're not just grandparents; they're people continually learning, changing, and contributing to the world.
Final thoughts
These phrases might seem harmless, but language shapes reality. When we consistently talk to older adults as if they're fragile, incompetent, or living in the past, we contribute to a culture that devalues aging and dismisses the wisdom that comes with experience.
Working as a financial analyst taught me to look at data objectively, but life has taught me that behind every statistic is a human story. The 60-plus demographic isn't a monolithic group of gentle, forgetful grandparents. They're individuals with varied interests, capabilities, and contributions to make.
Next time you're talking with someone over 60, catch yourself before these phrases slip out. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Listen to their stories without surprise that they're still living full, complex lives.
Treat them as you'd want to be treated at any age: with genuine respect, not performative kindness that actually diminishes.
Remember, if we're lucky, we'll all be over 60 someday. The language we normalize now sets the stage for how we'll be treated then. Let's make sure it's language that honors capability, respects autonomy, and recognizes the full humanity that doesn't diminish with age.
