When our aging parents call for help, we somehow manage to turn their simple requests into guilt trips, lectures, and drama-filled productions that leave them wishing they'd never picked up the phone in the first place.
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You know that sinking feeling when your phone rings and you see it's your parent calling for help?
My stomach used to do somersaults every time I saw my mom's number pop up after her surgery last year. Not because I didn't want to help, but because I knew exactly how it would go.
"Could you pick up my prescriptions?" would somehow turn into an hour-long guilt trip about how I don't visit enough. A simple request for grocery shopping would become a commentary on my life choices, including that career pivot from finance to writing that they still don't understand.
Sound familiar?
Here's what I've learned: sometimes we adult children make things so unnecessarily complicated when our aging parents reach out for help that they end up regretting asking in the first place. And honestly? That's the last thing any of us want.
After serving as my mother's primary caregiver during her recovery and having some brutally honest conversations about our family dynamics, I've identified eight behaviors we need to check ourselves on. Because at the end of the day, our parents need us, and we need to show up better.
1) Making everything about us
When my dad called asking for help setting up his new smartphone, I immediately launched into why I was too busy, how stressful my week had been, and how I'd already helped my neighbor with tech stuff that morning.
He just wanted to FaceTime his grandkids.
We have this tendency to turn their requests into our sob stories. Your mom asks if you can drive her to a doctor's appointment, and suddenly you're listing every sacrifice you've made this month. Your dad needs help moving furniture, and you give him the full rundown of your back problems, work stress, and how tired you are.
Here's the reality check: they're not asking to hear about your problems. They're asking because they need help and you're one of the few people they feel comfortable asking. When we make it about us, we're essentially saying their needs are less important than our inconvenience.
2) Offering unsolicited alternatives
"Why don't you just order groceries online?"
"Have you tried calling an Uber instead?"
"You should really hire someone for that."
I used to be the queen of this. Every time my parents asked for help, I'd immediately start problem-solving ways they could avoid needing me. I thought I was being helpful, showing them how to be more independent.
What I was actually doing? Making them feel like a burden.
Sometimes our parents know these alternatives exist. Sometimes they've already tried them. And sometimes, just sometimes, they're asking us because they want to spend time with us, even if it's just during a car ride to the pharmacy.
3) Turning help into a lecture
This one hits close to home. When I was helping my mom manage her medications post-surgery, every interaction became a teaching moment. "You really should be using a pill organizer." "Have you been doing your exercises?" "You know, if you ate more plant-based foods like I do..."
Our parents spent decades taking care of us. They don't need us to suddenly flip the script and treat them like children who can't make their own decisions. Yes, there's a role reversal that happens as parents age, but that doesn't mean we get to be condescending.
Offer help, not judgment. Save the life coaching for your blog readers, not your parents.
4) Making them ask multiple times
"Can you help me clean out the garage next weekend?"
"Maybe, I'll let you know."
Two days pass. "So about the garage..."
"Oh right, let me check my schedule."
Another three days. "Never mind about the garage, I'll figure it out."
If this sounds like you, stop it right now. Seriously.
Making our parents chase us for an answer is cruel. They've already swallowed their pride to ask for help. The least we can do is give them a straight answer, even if it's no. The maybe game? That's just emotional torture for someone who's already feeling vulnerable about needing assistance.
5) Bringing up old grievances
"Sure, I'll help you move that couch, just like you helped me move into my first apartment... oh wait, you didn't."
When our parents ask for help, it's not the time to relitigate past disappointments. Trust me, I had plenty of those conversations with my achievement-oriented parents who couldn't understand why I left a stable finance career.
But throwing old wounds in their faces when they're vulnerable? That's not healing, it's just being vindictive.
If you have unresolved issues (and who doesn't?), address them in a separate, intentional conversation. Not as ammunition when they need you.
6) Overpromising and underdelivering
In an effort to be the good daughter, I used to say yes to everything. "Of course I'll repaint your kitchen!" "Sure, I'll help you declutter the entire house!" "Absolutely, I can drive you to all your appointments!"
Then reality would hit. I'd cancel, reschedule, or show up stressed and resentful. My parents learned they couldn't really count on my word, which probably hurt more than if I'd just been honest about my limitations from the start.
Be realistic about what you can actually do. A reliable no is better than a flaky yes.
7) Acting martyred
You help, but you make sure everyone knows what a sacrifice it was. Heavy sighs, checking your phone constantly, mentioning repeatedly what you're missing to be there.
I watched myself do this during my mother's recovery. Every task came with a performance of how hard it was for me. Looking back, I'm embarrassed. She was the one recovering from surgery, not me.
If you're going to help, help graciously. If you can't do it without the drama, maybe it's better to say no and let them find another solution.
8) Comparing with siblings
"Why doesn't Sarah ever help?" "Must be nice to be the favorite who never gets asked to do anything." "I'm always the one who has to handle everything."
Sibling dynamics don't magically disappear when we become adults. But weaponizing them when our parents ask for help? That's just adding unnecessary stress to an already difficult situation.
Your relationship with your parents is separate from your siblings' relationships with them. Focus on what you can do, not what others aren't doing.
Final thoughts
Last month, my dad called asking for help installing a ceiling fan. My first instinct was to suggest he hire someone. Then I caught myself.
Instead, I showed up with my toolbox and spent three hours on a ladder while he directed from below. We talked about everything and nothing. He told me stories about fixing things with his father. I learned more about him in those three hours than I had in the previous three years.
Our parents won't always be here to ask for our help. One day, we'll wish they could still call with those requests that seem so inconvenient now. So maybe, just maybe, we can show up better. Without the guilt trips, lectures, or drama. Just show up, help out, and maybe even enjoy the time together.
After all, they're not really asking for that much. They're just asking for us.
