You've been putting family first your whole life, but when your grown children still treat your home like a hotel and your wallet like an ATM, it might be time to discover why setting these uncomfortable boundaries could actually save your relationship with them.
Add VegOut to your Google News feed. 
Family dynamics can be tough to navigate, especially when you're dealing with adult children who haven't quite mastered the whole "adulting" thing yet.
I'll be honest with you: I spent years tolerating behaviors from my adult siblings and even my own grown kids that I wouldn't accept from anyone else.
Why? Because somewhere along the way, I absorbed this idea that family gets a free pass. That blood relations mean we have to put up with anything and everything.
But here's what I've learned after years of being the family doormat: just because someone shares your DNA doesn't mean they get to treat you poorly. And if you're reading this, chances are you're dealing with similar struggles.
1. Showing up unannounced and expecting to be accommodated
Remember when your kids were little and you'd drop everything for them? Well, some adult children never got the memo that this arrangement has an expiration date.
Maybe your adult son shows up at dinnertime without calling, expecting a plate at the table. Or your daughter drops by on Saturday morning needing you to watch her kids because she "forgot" about her plans. These surprise visits aren't emergencies. They're a pattern of disrespect for your time and boundaries.
I recently finished reading Rudá Iandê's new book "Laughing in the Face of Chaos," and one insight really stuck with me: "Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours." This simple truth transformed how I handle these situations.
Now, when someone shows up unannounced, I simply say, "I wish you'd called first. This isn't a good time."
The guilt trips might follow, but your time is valuable. Your plans matter. And teaching adult children to respect boundaries is actually helping them grow.
2. Using your home as a free storage unit
Does your garage look like a shrine to your adult child's college years? Are you tripping over boxes of their "important stuff" that they'll "definitely come get next month"?
Your home is not a storage facility. If they have room for a flat-screen TV in their apartment, they have room for their own belongings. I gave my kids a deadline: pick up your stuff by this date, or it goes to charity.
Was there drama? Absolutely. Did they suddenly find space for their things? You bet they did.
3. Expecting financial bailouts without any accountability
We all hit rough patches, and helping family through genuine hardship is one thing. But when your 35-year-old is asking for rent money while posting vacation photos on Instagram, we need to talk.
I used to be the family ATM. Need gas money? Call Mom. Can't make rent because you bought concert tickets? Mom's got you covered. Then I realized I wasn't helping. I was enabling. Now, any financial help comes with conditions: show me your budget, tell me your plan, and this is a one-time deal.
The pushback was immediate and intense. But guess what? They figured it out. Because they had to.
4. Making you the default babysitter
"Can you watch the kids? It's just for a few hours." Sound familiar?
Being a grandparent is wonderful, but being an on-demand, unpaid childcare service is not. Your adult children chose to have kids. That choice comes with responsibilities that aren't automatically yours to shoulder.
I love my grandkids dearly, but I also have a life. I volunteer at the farmers' market, I have my trail runs, I have commitments. Setting a schedule for when I'm available to babysit wasn't popular at first, but it taught everyone to respect my time and plan accordingly.
5. Dumping their emotional problems on you without boundaries
There's a difference between sharing and dumping. When your adult child calls you daily to complain about their job, their partner, their life, but never asks how you're doing or follows any of your advice, that's emotional dumping.
You're not their therapist. You're not their emotional garbage can. It's okay to say, "I love you, but this sounds like something you should discuss with a professional" or "I can listen for 15 minutes, but then I need to go."
When I learned to set boundaries around being the family therapist, something interesting happened. The constant crisis calls decreased, and our actual conversations improved.
6. Refusing to take responsibility for their mistakes
Every setback is someone else's fault. Every failure has an excuse. If your adult child is still blaming everyone but themselves for their problems, they haven't grown up.
I had to stop rescuing my kids from the consequences of their choices. Lost another job because of "unfair management"? Maybe it's time to look at your work habits. Relationship problems again? Perhaps the common denominator is you.
As Rudá Iandê writes, "Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life's challenges." This applies to our adult children too. They need to own their mistakes to grow from them.
7. Disrespecting your partner or spouse
This one hits close to home. Whether it's making snide comments about your partner, excluding them from family events, or trying to pit you against each other, disrespect toward your partner is disrespect toward you.
Your adult children don't have to love your partner, but they do have to be respectful. I made it clear: disrespect my partner, and you disrespect me. We're a package deal. The boundary was tested exactly once before everyone got the message.
8. Playing the victim to manipulate you
"You always loved my sibling more." "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you." "If you really cared about me, you'd help."
These manipulation tactics are designed to make you feel guilty and give in to their demands. But here's the thing: you can love someone deeply and still say no to their unreasonable requests.
I spent years trying to prove my love through endless giving and tolerating. It never worked because the goalpost kept moving. Now I recognize manipulation for what it is and respond with love but firmness: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but my decision stands."
Final thoughts
Setting boundaries with adult children feels uncomfortable at first. You might worry about damaging your relationship or being seen as the "mean" parent. But here's what I've discovered: boundaries actually improve relationships.
When I stopped tolerating these behaviors, something shifted. My adult children started treating me with more respect. Our relationships became healthier. And most importantly, I started respecting myself again.
You raised your children to be independent adults. Now it's time to let them be exactly that. You've done your job. You're allowed to have your own life, your own boundaries, and your own peace.
Remember, you're not asking for anything unreasonable. You're simply asking for the same respect you'd expect from any other adult in your life. And that's not just okay, it's necessary.
Just launched: Laughing in the Face of Chaos by Rudá Iandê
Exhausted from trying to hold it all together?
You show up. You smile. You say the right things. But under the surface, something’s tightening. Maybe you don’t want to “stay positive” anymore. Maybe you’re done pretending everything’s fine.
This book is your permission slip to stop performing. To understand chaos at its root and all of your emotional layers.
In Laughing in the Face of Chaos, Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê brings over 30 years of deep, one-on-one work helping people untangle from the roles they’ve been stuck in—so they can return to something real. He exposes the quiet pressure to be good, be successful, be spiritual—and shows how freedom often lives on the other side of that pressure.
This isn’t a book about becoming your best self. It’s about becoming your real self.
