9 common mistakes boomers make that drive away their adult children

We all know that parenting doesn’t stop when your kids become adults. The relationship just changes. But here’s the tricky part: some boomers don’t always notice how their habits, comments, or choices affect their grown kids.

I’ve seen this happen time and time again—parents with the best intentions end up unintentionally creating distance. It’s not usually one big blowout. More often, it’s a series of subtle mistakes that pile up until the relationship feels strained.

I’ll be honest, I’ve had my fair share of uncomfortable phone calls with older relatives where I thought, Do they even hear me, or am I just a character in their script? That gap between intention and impact is where things start to unravel.

If you’ve ever wondered why your adult child seems a little distant or less eager to pick up the phone, it might be because of one of these common missteps. Let’s dive into the nine that come up most often.

1. Treating adult children like kids

It sounds obvious, but many parents still slip into the old role of giving unsolicited advice, correcting choices, or speaking in a tone that implies their child is inexperienced.

I’ve had friends roll their eyes after family dinners because their mom insisted they “bundle up” before leaving, or their dad double-checked that their oil had been changed. These small habits—while rooted in care—come across as condescending when directed at a thirty-five-year-old with a mortgage and kids of their own.

Grown kids want respect for their independence. If you insist on treating them like they’re still sixteen, resentment builds quickly. Instead of assuming they need your direction, ask questions. Show curiosity. A simple shift from “Here’s what you should do” to “How do you feel about this?” changes everything.

2. Ignoring boundaries

Have you ever shown up unannounced at your child’s home or called repeatedly until they answered? While it might feel like love to you, it can come across as disregard for their space.

I remember one woman telling me she dreaded weekends because her parents would “drop by just to say hi.” To her, it felt intrusive. To them, it was affectionate. That misalignment led her to start locking the door and pretending she wasn’t home—a clear sign of avoidance.

Boundaries are essential for healthy adult relationships—including with parents. As Rudá Iandê notes in his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.” Respecting this truth helps parents stop overstepping and start supporting.

3. Criticizing their lifestyle choices

Whether it’s who they date, how they raise their kids, or the career path they’ve chosen, criticism—especially when it’s constant—erodes closeness.

I once heard a father tell his daughter, “You’d be so much happier if you moved closer to us.” What she heard was, I disapprove of the life you’ve built. He meant well, but the judgment hit harder than he realized.

Your adult child doesn’t need a running commentary on their life. They need encouragement and, occasionally, a sounding board. If you find yourself wanting to critique, pause and consider: is it helpful, or is it about control? Sometimes silence, paired with trust, is the most loving response.

4. Bringing up past mistakes

Do you ever remind your child of the times they messed up—bad grades, a failed relationship, or money issues? Even in passing, it can sting.

I had an uncle who never missed the chance to mention how my cousin “almost flunked out of college.” The cousin, now a successful engineer, still felt diminished every holiday when the joke resurfaced. What was meant as light teasing kept reopening an old wound.

No one wants to feel defined by their lowest points, especially not in adulthood. Mentioning past failures makes adult children feel judged and unworthy, which leads to pulling away. Forgiveness and forward focus go a lot further than reminders of the past.

5. Guilt-tripping

Lines like “After everything I’ve done for you” or “You never visit enough” might come from a place of longing, but they land as manipulation. Guilt is not the same as love.

Think about it: would you rather your child spend time with you out of obligation or genuine desire? Guilt might get you short-term compliance, but it kills long-term connection.

Healthy adult relationships thrive on mutual respect, not obligation. Express your feelings honestly instead: “I miss you and would love more time together.” It’s softer, clearer, and far more effective. You might be surprised by how much more your child wants to see you when guilt isn’t hanging over every conversation.

6. Refusing to adapt

One of the biggest sources of friction is when parents cling to “the way things have always been.” Whether it’s communication styles, holiday traditions, or attitudes toward technology, rigidity creates distance.

I’ve seen families split over something as simple as Thanksgiving dinner. One sibling wanted a relaxed potluck, while the boomer parents insisted on a full formal spread “just like we’ve always done.” Instead of enjoying the holiday together, it became a yearly battle of wills.

Adaptability shows respect. When parents learn to text instead of insisting on phone calls, or embrace new traditions instead of demanding old ones, it signals flexibility and care. After all, relationships evolve—or they break.

7. Using money as leverage

Financial help can be a blessing, but when it comes with strings attached, it becomes a burden. Comments like “I paid for that, so you should…” create power imbalances that damage trust.

I once worked with a young couple who relied on the husband’s parents for a down payment on their home. Every major decision after that—from paint colors to vacation plans—was subject to scrutiny, because the parents felt they had a “stake.” Eventually, the couple chose distance over dependency.

Support should be given freely, without conditions. Otherwise, adult children may distance themselves just to reclaim autonomy. True generosity doesn’t keep score.

8. Not listening deeply

Sometimes the problem isn’t what boomers say, but how little they hear. Interrupting, rushing to solve problems, or dismissing feelings leaves adult kids feeling unseen.

Think about the last time your child shared something personal. Did you jump in with a solution before they finished? Did you minimize it with, “Oh, that’s nothing compared to what I went through”? Those responses, while well-meaning, shut down vulnerability.

Listening—really listening—takes patience. As Iandê reminds us, “Our emotions are not barriers, but profound gateways to the soul.” Validating what your child shares, even when you disagree, nurtures connection. Sometimes the most powerful words you can say are, “I hear you.”

9. Holding onto perfectionism

Some parents expect their children to maintain appearances—perfect careers, marriages, or behaviors that reflect well on the family. But that pressure pushes kids away.

I’ve had friends hide divorces, job losses, even therapy sessions from their parents because they didn’t want to “look like a failure.” Imagine the loneliness of struggling in silence just to avoid disappointing your family.

As Rudá Iandê writes, “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that's delightfully real.” The same goes for relationships. Let go of appearances, embrace authenticity, and you’ll foster real closeness.

Final thoughts

Here’s the truth: most of these mistakes don’t come from malice. They come from old habits, cultural conditioning, or simple blind spots. But the good news is, awareness can shift everything.

I often think about something my friend said after repairing a rocky relationship with her mom: “The moment she stopped trying to fix me, I actually wanted to be around her more.” That’s the heart of it. Respect, not control, is what strengthens bonds.

Parent-child dynamics don’t have to stay stuck. By respecting boundaries, letting go of judgment, and listening with empathy, boomers can create deeper, more fulfilling bonds with their adult kids. And those relationships? They’re worth the effort.

Because at the end of the day, what matters most isn’t being right, or being in control—it’s being connected.