Your choice of words says more about your intelligence than you think—especially the ones you quietly avoid.
We often talk about intelligence as something you either have or don’t. But the truth is, it shows up in all kinds of subtle, surprising ways. Especially when it comes to how we use language.
Verbal intelligence isn’t just about knowing fancy words or acing the verbal section of a standardized test. It’s about how skillfully you express yourself, how well you read the room, and how consciously you shape conversations.
One fascinating clue? The phrases you don’t say.
Some expressions tend to signal a lack of emotional awareness, an inability to process nuance, or a poor grasp of interpersonal dynamics. So if you’ve instinctively distanced yourself from these common phrases, chances are, your verbal IQ is already working in your favor.
Let’s break them down.
1. “I’m just being honest.”
On the surface, it sounds harmless—even noble. But let’s be real: this phrase is often a thin veil for rudeness.
People with strong verbal intelligence tend to avoid this one like the plague, because they understand something subtle but powerful—how you say something often matters more than what you say.
“I’m just being honest” usually comes after a blunt or hurtful comment. Think: “You looked really tired in that meeting...I’m just being honest.” But honesty isn’t a free pass to ignore tact, timing, or tone.
Instead of wielding truth like a weapon, verbally intelligent people take a moment to consider: Is this the right time? Is this helpful? Am I being clear without being cruel?
This kind of thoughtful filtering isn’t fake—it’s mature communication. And that maturity sets them apart in ways most people don’t even notice… until they find themselves drawn to how calming, clear, and safe it feels to be around someone like that.
2. “Whatever. I don’t care.”
Ah, the verbal eye-roll.
This one gets used as a defense mechanism more than anything else. It’s what people say when they do care, but don’t want to admit it—or don’t have the tools to express themselves vulnerably.
Verbal intelligence is about more than just vocabulary. It’s about emotional nuance. People who have it instinctively recognize the difference between disengaging and setting a boundary.
They won’t shrug something off with “whatever.” They’ll say, “I need a moment to think about that,” or “I’m not sure how I feel yet, can we come back to this?”
It might not sound dramatic or witty, but it does reflect a deeper grasp of emotional regulation and interpersonal clarity.
As Rudá Iandê puts it in Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.” Avoiding this phrase is part of that emotional maturity—it’s a refusal to dodge discomfort by shutting down.
3. “It’s not fair!”
Now, let me be clear—life isn’t fair. And sometimes pointing that out is totally valid. But constantly resorting to this phrase when things don’t go your way? That’s a different story.
This phrase often comes from a place of helplessness, not reason. People with higher verbal intelligence tend to skip it altogether—not because they think everything is fair, but because they understand that life is complex, layered, and often influenced by invisible forces.
They ask better questions instead: “What can I do in this situation?” “Who has the power here, and how can I engage with them constructively?” “Is there something I’m missing?”
Studies in intelligence research demonstrate a strong link between verbal problem-solving ability and choosing constructive approaches over repetitive complaints.
This doesn’t mean they’re pushovers. In fact, they can be fiercely assertive. They’ve just learned that whining about fairness rarely moves the needle. Framing the conversation around strategy, advocacy, or collaboration usually does.
4. “That’s just how I am.”
Every time I hear this one, a little red flag goes up.
It’s the verbal equivalent of digging your heels into the ground—and not in a good way. It’s what people say when they want to avoid change, accountability, or self-examination.
The verbally intelligent avoid this phrase because they understand that identity isn’t a fixed script. It’s a living, breathing draft. We evolve. We adapt. We grow when we choose to.
And this is something Rudá Iandê drives home in Laughing in the Face of Chaos, where he writes, “Our DNA is not a fixed blueprint to follow rigidly but a living code, inviting interpretation, expansion, and personal expression.”
In other words, saying “That’s just how I am” shuts the door on growth. But someone with high verbal insight keeps that door cracked open—sometimes just enough to let a little light in and see what else is possible.
5. “I’m bad at explaining things.”
This one might surprise you. It sounds humble, even self-aware. But here’s the catch—it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The moment you say it, you train your brain to stop trying. You subtly lower the listener’s expectations. You undercut yourself before you’ve even begun.
People with strong verbal intelligence tend to avoid this phrase—not because they’re perfect communicators, but because they practice. They reframe the struggle. Instead of saying “I’m bad at explaining,” they might say, “Let me try to put this another way,” or “I’m still working out how to say this clearly.”
Big difference.
Here’s the thing: The more you experiment with how to express ideas, the more confident and articulate you become. And yes, sometimes it’s messy. But confidence isn’t about always getting it right—it’s about trusting yourself to work through the mess.
6. “You always…” or “You never…”
These absolutes might feel satisfying in the heat of the moment, but they rarely lead anywhere useful.
Think about the last time someone said this to you. “You never listen.” “You always do this.” Did it make you feel open—or defensive?
Research shows that phrases using “always” and “never” act as triggers for emotional defensiveness and communication breakdown—they tend to intensify conflict rather than promote understanding.
People with higher-than-average verbal intelligence understand the weight of these sweeping generalizations. They know that even if there's a valid point underneath, wrapping it in absolutes only creates distance.
Instead, they reach for more specific language: “When you interrupted me earlier, I felt dismissed.” Or, “I’ve noticed this has happened a few times, and I’d like to talk about it.”
It’s not about sugarcoating the truth. It’s about choosing clarity over escalation.
And honestly, it’s a reflection of emotional precision—of being able to name what's happening without launching into exaggerated narratives that shut down real conversation.
7. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This one usually comes from a good place—an attempt to connect or comfort someone.
But here’s the kicker: you don’t know exactly how someone else feels. And saying so can unintentionally invalidate their experience.
Those with strong verbal intelligence tend to pause before using this phrase. Instead, they say things like, “That sounds really difficult,” or “I can imagine how painful that might be, though I know it’s your own experience.”
It’s a subtle but important difference.
Empathy isn’t about inserting your own story into someone else’s pain—it’s about holding space for theirs. When you resist the urge to center yourself, you leave room for a deeper, more genuine connection to grow.
This is echoed in Rudá Iandê’s insights, too. His book inspired me to reflect on how much of our discomfort with silence or ambiguity drives us to say something—anything—to fill the space. But as he notes, “Let’s be gentle with ourselves in the face of fear, treating it as a companion rather than an adversary.”
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.
Final thoughts
Verbal intelligence isn’t loud. It’s not flashy. And it’s certainly not about using ten-dollar words to sound impressive.
It’s in the pauses you take before speaking. The questions you ask instead of assumptions you make. The phrases you don’t say—because you’ve learned they shut people down rather than open them up.
If you’ve naturally avoided some of the expressions we covered today, that’s not a coincidence. It’s a reflection of emotional depth, curiosity, and a desire to communicate with care.
And if a few of these made you pause? That’s not a failure—it’s a doorway. Growth begins when we start noticing the subtle patterns in how we speak, connect, and navigate discomfort.
So stay curious. Keep listening. And speak like someone who knows their words matter—because they do.
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