7 phrases Gen X uses to be polite that Millennials somehow always take as passive-aggressive

Ever wonder why your perfectly polite email seems to ruffle feathers with younger colleagues?

I learned this lesson the hard way during my last few years in finance. After nearly two decades as an analyst, I'd perfected what I thought was professional, courteous communication. Then I started mentoring younger women entering the field, and suddenly my "polite" phrases were landing like passive-aggressive jabs.

One mentee finally pulled me aside after a particularly tense exchange. "When you say 'per my last email,' it feels like you're scolding me," she explained. I was genuinely shocked. In my mind, I was simply being efficient and clear. But to her? I might as well have been rolling my eyes through the screen.

That conversation opened my eyes to a generational communication gap I hadn't even realized existed. What Gen X considers straightforward politeness, Millennials often read as thinly veiled criticism. And honestly? Neither generation is wrong. We're just speaking different languages.

After years of navigating this divide in both my corporate career and now as a writer, I've identified seven phrases that consistently cause this disconnect. Understanding these differences has transformed how I communicate, especially with younger friends and colleagues.

1. "Per my last email"

This phrase is Gen X's way of being helpful and efficient. We're trying to save everyone time by pointing back to information already shared. In our minds, we're being considerate by not making you search through your inbox.

But Millennials hear something completely different. They hear frustration, impatience, and an unspoken "Why didn't you read what I already sent you?" To them, this phrase drips with barely contained annoyance.

The disconnect comes from different workplace cultures. Gen X entered offices where paper trails and documentation were survival skills. We learned to reference previous communications as a form of professional courtesy. Millennials grew up with instant messaging and real-time collaboration, where repeating information is seen as no big deal.

Want to bridge the gap? Try "I mentioned this in my earlier email, but let me clarify..." or simply restate the information without the reference. Yes, it takes a few extra seconds, but it prevents that unintended sting.

2. "Thanks in advance"

When I use this phrase, I'm expressing confidence that someone will help me out. It's my way of showing faith in their reliability and competence. I'm literally thanking them because I trust they'll come through.

Millennials often interpret this as presumptuous and demanding. They hear an assumption that they'll comply, regardless of their workload or priorities. To them, it feels like emotional manipulation disguised as gratitude.

During my finance days, "thanks in advance" was standard sign-off etiquette. It showed professionalism and forward-thinking. But younger colleagues see it as applying pressure before they've even agreed to help.

A simple "I'd really appreciate your help with this" or "Thanks for considering this request" maintains the gratitude without the assumption.

3. "Just checking in"

This is Gen X trying to be non-confrontational. We're giving you a gentle nudge without being demanding. In our minds, we're being considerate by not directly asking "Where's that thing you owe me?"

But Millennials hear passive-aggression loud and clear. They interpret it as "You're late and I'm pretending to be casual about it while actually being annoyed." The word "just" particularly bothers them, as it seems to minimize while actually emphasizing.

I once had a colleague explain that "just checking in" feels like someone hovering over their shoulder while pretending not to. That visual really stuck with me.

Try being more direct: "Hey, wanted to see where we are with X project" or "Do you need any help with that report?" Direct doesn't mean rude; it means clear.

4. "Going forward"

For Gen X, this phrase signals a desire to improve and learn from the past. We're being solution-focused and professional. We're not dwelling on mistakes; we're looking ahead constructively.

Millennials often hear this as criticism of what happened before. To them, "going forward" implies that something was wrong with how things were done previously, even if that wasn't the intention.

In my writing group, we had this exact discussion. One younger member said she always braces herself when she hears "going forward" because it usually precedes new rules created because someone (possibly her) messed up.

Consider "From now on" or "Let's try" or even just stating the new approach without the transition phrase. Sometimes the most polite thing is to be completely straightforward.

5. "I'm confused"

When Gen X says this, we're genuinely seeking clarification. We're admitting we don't understand something and need help. It's vulnerability and honesty rolled into one.

Millennials hear doubt and skepticism. They interpret "I'm confused" as "I think you're wrong but I'm being polite about it." They feel like they're being questioned rather than asked for clarification.

This one particularly surprised me during my mentoring experiences. I thought expressing confusion showed humility and openness to learning. But several mentees later told me they felt like I was testing them or setting them up to fail.

Try "Can you help me understand?" or "I want to make sure I'm following correctly." These phrases request the same information but feel more collaborative and less challenging.

6. "Actually..."

Gen X uses "actually" as a gentle correction or to add information. We think we're softening the blow of disagreement by easing into it.

Millennials hear condescension. That single word makes them feel like you're about to explain why they're wrong in the most patronizing way possible. It triggers their defensive mechanisms before you've even made your point.

In couples therapy, my partner and I discovered that my use of "actually" was causing unnecessary tension. I thought I was being thoughtful; they heard know-it-all energy.

Skip the transition word entirely. Just state your point or additional information. "The meeting is at 3pm" works better than "Actually, the meeting is at 3pm."

7. "No worries if not"

This is peak Gen X politeness. We're making a request while simultaneously giving an out. We're trying to be low-pressure and understanding.

But Millennials hear insincerity. They interpret this as "I'm saying no worries but there will definitely be worries if you say no." It feels like false flexibility, especially in workplace contexts where saying no might not really be an option.

One friend described it perfectly: "It's like when someone says 'no offense' right before saying something offensive. The disclaimer doesn't change the impact."

If you genuinely mean there's no pressure, try "This is completely optional" or "Only if you have time." If there will be consequences for saying no, be honest about the importance of the request.

Final thoughts

These phrases aren't inherently wrong or right. They're just different languages shaped by different workplace experiences and communication norms. Gen X learned to navigate hierarchical offices where indirect communication was considered professional. Millennials entered workplaces that valued authenticity and directness.

Understanding these differences has made me a better communicator across all relationships, not just professional ones. Sometimes being truly polite means adapting our communication style to our audience, even if it feels less natural to us.

The goal isn't to completely change how we speak, but to be aware of how our words might land differently than intended. A little awareness goes a long way in bridging generational communication gaps.

Next time you craft that email or have that conversation, consider your audience. What sounds polite in your head might need a small translation to land the way you intend. And honestly? That's a skill worth developing at any age.