While modern divorce rates have nearly quintupled since 1960, marriage therapists have identified specific relationship habits from that era that created surprisingly durable partnerships, and they're not what you'd expect.
You know what's wild? Back in 1960, only about 9% of marriages ended in divorce. Today? We're looking at rates closer to 40-45%.
When I stumbled across these numbers during my research, I couldn't help but wonder what exactly our grandparents' generation was doing differently.
Sure, societal pressures played a role, but after diving into countless marriage therapy studies and expert opinions, I discovered there were actually some pretty solid relationship habits that helped keep those earlier marriages intact.
Now, before you roll your eyes thinking this is going to be some lecture about "the good old days," hear me out. Not everything from that era was worth keeping (thank goodness we've moved past some outdated gender roles), but there are genuine lessons we can learn from how that generation approached commitment and partnership.
As someone who's had my fair share of relationship struggles, including a breakup in my twenties that taught me I'd been choosing career over relationships, I find these insights particularly fascinating. So let's explore what marriage therapists say actually worked.
1. They prioritized face-to-face communication over convenience
Remember when having a conversation meant actually sitting down together? No phones buzzing, no quick texts to "talk later," just two people hashing things out in real-time?
Marriage therapists consistently point out that couples from earlier generations had no choice but to deal with issues head-on. They couldn't fire off an angry text or ghost each other for days. When you lived in the same house and shared one car, avoidance wasn't really an option.
Dr. John Gottman's research shows that successful couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Without the buffer of technology, earlier generations naturally created more of these positive face-to-face moments.
They talked over dinner, discussed their days while doing dishes, and yes, even argued productively because they had to look each other in the eye.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I went through couples therapy to work on communication patterns formed during my high-stress career. My therapist pointed out how often I was "communicating" through quick texts and emails, treating my relationship like another work project to manage efficiently. Real connection requires real presence.
2. They had realistic expectations about marriage
Here's something that might surprise you: earlier generations didn't expect their spouse to be their everything. They didn't need their partner to be their best friend, therapist, adventure buddy, and soulmate all rolled into one.
Marriage therapists note that this more practical approach to partnership actually created less pressure and disappointment. Couples understood that marriage involved work, compromise, and sometimes just showing up even when you didn't feel like it.
Think about it. How many relationships today crumble because someone says, "I'm just not happy anymore" or "The spark is gone"? While happiness is important, treating it as the sole metric for a successful marriage sets us up for failure. Earlier generations understood that feelings ebb and flow, but commitment remains steady.
3. They maintained clear roles and responsibilities
Okay, stay with me here because this one's tricky. I'm absolutely not advocating for rigid 1950s gender roles. What I am saying is that couples back then had clarity about who was responsible for what, and that eliminated a lot of daily friction.
Modern marriage therapists see countless couples arguing about mental load, household management, and who's doing their fair share. While we've rightfully moved toward more equitable partnerships, we've sometimes lost the clarity that comes with defined responsibilities.
The key lesson? Have clear conversations about who handles what. Whether you split things 50/50, 70/30, or any other way that works for you, the important thing is that everyone knows what they're responsible for. No assumptions, no resentment building up over unwashed dishes or unpaid bills.
4. They invested in shared community and extended family
How many couple friends do you have? How often do you see extended family? For many of us today, the answer is "not many" and "not often."
Earlier generations were embedded in communities. They had couple friends, church groups, extended family nearby, and neighbors who actually knew each other's names. This network provided support, perspective, and pressure relief valves when marriage got tough.
Marriage therapists emphasize how isolation can destroy relationships. When you're each other's only source of emotional support, the pressure becomes overwhelming. Those earlier couples had built-in support systems that helped them weather storms together.
5. They practiced "staying power" during tough times
A therapist once told me something that stuck: "Modern couples often treat marriage like a smartphone. When it stops working perfectly, they upgrade to a new model instead of trying to fix what they have."
Now, let me be clear. I'm not suggesting anyone should stay in toxic or abusive relationships. Never. But there's something to be said for the resilience earlier generations showed when facing regular relationship challenges.
They understood that all marriages go through seasons. There would be times of closeness and times of distance, passion and routine, ease and struggle. Instead of seeing hard times as signs of incompatibility, they saw them as part of the journey.
After my serious relationship in my late twenties ended when my partner couldn't handle my career ambitions, I realized I'd been too quick to see challenges as dealbreakers instead of growth opportunities.
6. They shared common values and life goals
Earlier generations often married within their communities, which meant shared values were almost built-in. Same religion, similar backgrounds, aligned life goals. While this sometimes came at the cost of diversity and personal choice, it did create a strong foundation.
Through my own relationship journey, I discovered that shared values matter more than shared interests. You don't need to love all the same hobbies, but you do need to agree on the big stuff: money, kids, lifestyle, core beliefs.
Marriage therapists note that many modern couples focus on chemistry and compatibility in interests while glossing over fundamental value differences. Those differences might not matter in year one, but by year ten, they can become chasms.
7. They understood commitment as a choice, not a feeling
Perhaps the biggest difference? Earlier generations viewed love as a verb, not just a noun. They understood that commitment was a daily choice, not a feeling that either existed or didn't.
When therapists work with struggling couples today, they often hear, "I love them, but I'm not IN love with them anymore." Earlier generations might have found this distinction less important. They knew that passionate love naturally evolves into companionate love, and that's not a failure, it's maturation.
This doesn't mean settling for unhappiness. It means understanding that love is built through consistent actions, kindness, respect, and choosing each other even on days when you don't particularly feel like it.
Final thoughts
Looking back at these habits, what strikes me most is how intentional they were about building lasting partnerships. They didn't have the luxury of endless options on dating apps or the illusion that the perfect person was just a swipe away.
Were all marriages from that era happy? Absolutely not. Many people, especially women, stayed in unfulfilling or even harmful relationships because they had no other choice. We've made important progress in recognizing that divorce is sometimes the healthiest option.
But in our rush to correct the problems of the past, maybe we threw out some wisdom too. The secret isn't to romanticize bygone eras but to take what worked and adapt it to our modern lives.
What would happen if we put down our phones during dinner? If we lowered our expectations for constant happiness while raising our commitment to growth? If we built stronger communities and support systems around our relationships?
Before my career transition helped me find better work-life balance, I struggled with putting these principles into practice. But once I started viewing my relationship as something that deserved the same focus and intention I'd given my career, everything shifted.
The truth is, lasting love has never been easy, in any generation. But maybe, just maybe, we can learn something from those who made it work before us.
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