9 things people with anxious attachment styles often do in everyday conversations, according to psychology

We all crave connection, don’t we? But for people with anxious attachment styles, conversations can feel like high-stakes moments where every word is scrutinized. Even casual chats can become emotionally charged because there’s an underlying fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or abandoned.

Psychology tells us that these behaviors often stem from early experiences where emotional needs weren’t consistently met. As adults, those old patterns show up in our communication, often without us even realizing it.

The good news? Awareness is the first step to change. By recognizing these conversation habits, you can start shifting them toward healthier, more authentic interactions.

Let’s dive into the 9 things people with anxious attachment styles tend to do—and how understanding these patterns can help.

1. Overanalyzing every response

Have you ever walked away from a conversation replaying every detail in your head? People with anxious attachment often do this, wondering if they said something wrong or if the other person is upset. It’s exhausting—and it pulls them out of the present moment.

As psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, notes, “Our need for connection is hardwired. When that bond feels threatened, we overthink to regain control.”

If you catch yourself spiraling, try grounding exercises—like asking yourself, “What’s the evidence that I actually upset them?” Nine times out of ten, there isn’t any.

2. Fishing for reassurance

“Do you think they’re mad at me?” “Was that okay?” These little check-ins can happen repeatedly during conversations. While reassurance-seeking is understandable, it can strain relationships over time because it puts constant pressure on others to soothe your anxiety.

I’ve been there myself—especially during stressful phases when I worried about saying the “wrong” thing.

One thing that helped me was remembering a key insight from Rudá Iandê’s new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.” It reminded me that I can’t control other people’s perceptions.

Instead of repeatedly asking for reassurance, try stating your needs clearly once and trust that it’s enough.

3. Talking too much when nervous

When anxiety flares up, silence feels unbearable. People with anxious attachment often fill every pause with chatter because quiet moments feel like rejection. But ironically, over-talking can overwhelm others and create the very disconnection they fear.

I once noticed myself rambling during a casual lunch with a friend. Later, I realized it was my own discomfort with silence—not the conversation itself. Learning to embrace pauses is a game-changer.

Research shows that those with anxious attachment often perceive silence as threatening, leading them to over-communicate—a dynamic linked to heightened social anxiety and emotional exhaustion.

Practice letting silences happen. Most people need a few beats to gather their thoughts, and it doesn’t mean they’ve lost interest in you.

4. Reading too much into body language

Did they cross their arms? Did they avoid eye contact? People with anxious attachment styles often interpret neutral gestures as signs of anger or disinterest. This hyperawareness is their way of protecting themselves, but it can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings.

As noted by therapist Lindsay Gibson, “Anxious individuals are skilled at spotting subtle cues but often misread them through the lens of fear.” I’ve caught myself assuming a friend was annoyed, only to learn they were just tired from work.

The trick is to pause before drawing conclusions. Ask yourself: “Could there be another explanation?” Often, what we perceive as rejection has nothing to do with us.

5. Apologizing excessively

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you!” Sound familiar? Over-apologizing is common among those with anxious attachment because they fear being seen as a burden. Unfortunately, constant apologies can make others feel uncomfortable—or worse, see you as lacking confidence.

I remember once apologizing to a friend simply for expressing my opinion. Later, I thought: why am I sorry for sharing my thoughts? If you find yourself saying “sorry” out of habit, try replacing it with gratitude.

Instead of “Sorry for interrupting,” say, “Thanks for letting me add this.” It shifts the tone from guilt to appreciation, which creates a healthier dynamic.

6. Overexplaining to justify themselves

People with anxious attachment often feel they need to “prove” their intentions. They add layers of explanation, fearing their words might be misinterpreted.

I’ve done this myself—explaining why I couldn’t attend an event with a three-minute story instead of simply saying, “I can’t make it.” This habit can actually make you seem less confident.

If this sounds like you, practice being direct. Say what you need to say without adding unnecessary context. As communication expert Debra Fine notes, clarity and brevity go a long way in making others feel at ease—and you’ll feel lighter, too.

7. Mirroring others excessively

Mirroring—like matching someone’s tone or opinions—can be helpful in building rapport. But for those with anxious attachment, it can turn into over-adaptation, where they shape-shift just to be liked.

Have you ever agreed with someone just to avoid conflict? I have. It feels safer in the moment but leaves you feeling disconnected from your true self.

This is where Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos has inspired me. He emphasizes: “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that's delightfully real.”

Being authentic—even when your opinion differs—creates stronger, more genuine connections.

8. Worrying about how they’re perceived

“What do they think of me?” For people with anxious attachment, this question can overshadow the conversation itself. Instead of fully listening, they’re mentally scanning for signs of approval or disapproval.

This constant mental chatter can make interactions feel exhausting. I once left a dinner party so drained because I’d spent the entire time worrying whether I was “likable enough.”

A 2018 PLOS One study found that anxious attachment is strongly linked to higher social anxiety—partly because individuals use emotion‑suppression and avoidance, which fuels worry about how they’re perceived in social settings.

The solution? Shift focus outward. Instead of analyzing yourself, get curious about the other person. Ask meaningful questions. When you focus on connection rather than performance, conversations feel lighter and more natural.

9. Avoiding direct expression of needs

Many anxiously attached individuals fear that expressing their needs will push others away. So, they hint, hope, or overcompensate—only to feel frustrated when others don’t “get it.”

This used to be me in friendships. I’d say things like, “Oh, it’s fine,” when it really wasn’t. But as psychologist Dr. John Bowlby’s attachment theory suggests, healthy communication involves both vulnerability and clarity.

Start small. Instead of expecting people to read your mind, say what you need directly. You might be surprised—most people appreciate knowing how to meet you halfway.

Final thoughts

If you recognize yourself in some of these habits, don’t panic. They’re not character flaws—they’re survival strategies you learned long ago. The good news is that you can unlearn them.

Start by noticing when these patterns pop up. Then, experiment with small changes—like pausing before apologizing or letting silences breathe. Over time, these tweaks can shift the way you show up in conversations.

I keep coming back to this truth from Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos: “The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other is the gift of our own wholeness, the gift of our own radiant, unbridled humanity.”Conversations feel so much better when we show up as our whole selves.