9 phrases that instantly reveal someone has low self-esteem (even if they don't realize they're seeking validation)

Have you ever noticed how certain phrases make you cringe a little, even when they seem harmless on the surface?

I used to be the queen of these phrases. Looking back, I can see how my words were like little breadcrumbs, leading straight to my deepest insecurities. The wild part? I had no idea I was doing it.

The seemingly innocent sentences we drop into conversations aren't just words. They're windows into how we really feel about ourselves. And trust me, people pick up on them, whether consciously or not.

After years of working through my own people-pleasing tendencies (hello, former "gifted child" syndrome), I've become acutely aware of these verbal tells. Today, I want to share nine phrases that instantly reveal low self-esteem, even when the person saying them has no clue they're seeking validation.

1. "I'm probably wrong, but..."

This phrase used to be my opener for nearly every opinion I shared. Before I'd even let my thought fully form, I was already undermining it.

Think about what this really communicates: I don't trust my own judgment. I'm preparing you to dismiss me. I'm protecting myself from criticism by criticizing myself first.

When we start sentences this way, we're basically asking permission to have an opinion. We're telegraphing our belief that our thoughts matter less than everyone else's in the room. I had a colleague who would start every meeting contribution with this phrase, and slowly, people stopped taking her seriously. Not because her ideas were bad (they were actually brilliant), but because she trained everyone to doubt her.

The confident alternative? Just state your opinion. Let it stand on its own merit.

2. "Sorry to bother you"

This one hits close to home. I used to apologize for my very existence in professional spaces, starting emails and conversations with variations of "Sorry to bother you" or "I know you're busy, but..."

Here's what I learned: when you apologize for taking up space before you've even taken it up, you're telling people that their time is more valuable than yours. You're positioning yourself as an inconvenience rather than someone with something valuable to contribute.

A mentor once told me to replace "Sorry to bother you" with "Thank you for your time." Simple switch, massive difference in how people responded to me.

3. "I was just lucky"

Oh, this phrase. I spent years attributing every achievement to luck, timing, or other people's help. Got a promotion? Lucky timing. Successful project? The team carried me. Positive feedback? They're just being nice.

This chronic dismissal of our own contributions often stems from what psychologists call imposter syndrome. But here's what I discovered during my achievement addiction recovery: when we constantly credit luck instead of our efforts, we're not being humble. We're rejecting reality.

Every time someone complimented my work and I responded with "I was just lucky," I was essentially telling them their judgment was wrong. Talk about dismissive! Now I practice saying "Thank you, I worked really hard on that" instead.

4. "Does that make sense?"

I noticed I was ending almost every explanation with this question, especially in professional settings. On the surface, it seems like I'm being considerate, checking for understanding. But what I was really doing was seeking reassurance that I wasn't being confusing or stupid.

This phrase reveals a deep insecurity about our ability to communicate clearly. We're essentially asking, "Am I making myself understood, or am I failing at basic communication?"

The truth is, if something doesn't make sense, people will ask for clarification. Trust that your words are clear. Trust that others will speak up if they need more information.

5. "I'm not good at this kind of thing"

Before trying anything new, I'd announce my expected failure. Learning to garden? "I'm terrible with plants." Trying a new recipe? "I'm not much of a cook." Starting a presentation? "I'm not great at public speaking."

This preemptive self-criticism serves as armor against potential judgment. If I lower expectations enough, maybe I won't disappoint anyone. Maybe they'll even be pleasantly surprised when I don't completely fail.

But what this really does is program both ourselves and others to expect less from us. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I stopped announcing my inadequacies and just did things, something interesting happened: I actually got better at them.

6. "Whatever you think is best"

For years, this was my go-to response when asked for my preference. Restaurant choice? Whatever you want. Movie selection? You pick. Project direction? Whatever you think.

I thought I was being easygoing and flexible. What I was actually doing was avoiding the vulnerability of having preferences. Because if I never stated what I wanted, I could never be rejected or judged for my choices.

This phrase screams, "I don't trust my own judgment" and "Your preferences matter more than mine." It took me a long time to realize that having opinions and preferences isn't selfish. It's human.

7. "I don't want to be difficult"

Anytime I had a legitimate need or request, I'd preface it with this phrase. Asking for a different table at a restaurant? Don't want to be difficult. Requesting a deadline extension? Hope I'm not being difficult.

This phrase reveals our fear that having needs makes us burdensome. We're so worried about being perceived as high-maintenance that we minimize legitimate requests. I learned that there's a huge difference between being difficult and advocating for yourself.

8. "You're probably busy"

Similar to "sorry to bother you," this phrase assumes everyone else's time is more valuable than what we have to offer. Before even stating our purpose, we're already giving the other person an out.

I used to start every request with this, essentially saying, "I assume I'm not important enough for your time." It took working through my childhood anxiety about approval to realize that letting others decide their availability is much healthier than deciding for them.

9. "It's just my opinion"

After stating a viewpoint, I'd immediately diminish it with this phrase. As if opinions need disclaimers. As if my perspective needed to be minimized to be acceptable.

This phrase is particularly insidious because it seems humble, but it's actually self-defeating. Of course it's your opinion. You're the one saying it! Adding "just" makes it seem less valuable, less worthy of consideration.

I had to learn that vulnerability isn't the same as making yourself vulnerable to harm. Sharing an opinion confidently doesn't make you aggressive or domineering. It makes you a participant in the conversation.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases in our own speech can be uncomfortable. I know because I've said every single one of them, repeatedly, for years. The journey from performing friendships to actually experiencing them meant catching myself mid-sentence and choosing different words.

Change doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes I still catch myself about to apologize for existing or minimize an achievement. The difference now is awareness. Once you start noticing these patterns, you can't unsee them.

Start by picking one phrase you use frequently and consciously replace it. Notice how it feels. Notice how people respond differently. You might be surprised to find that the validation you were unconsciously seeking through self-deprecation comes more readily when you simply show up as yourself, unapologetically.