The reason your adult children visit their in-laws more than they visit you has nothing to do with distance—and everything to do with these 7 things

Ever wonder why your adult kids seem to spend every holiday, weekend, and random Tuesday at their in-laws' house while you're lucky to get a quick Sunday brunch once a month?

You're not alone. I hear this from so many parents, and the hurt in their voices is real. They'll tell me their child lives the same distance from both sets of parents, yet somehow the other grandparents get all the quality time.

They watch their grandkids grow up through Facebook photos while the in-laws get the real thing.

Here's what I've learned after years of observing family dynamics and, honestly, working through my own complicated relationship with my parents: Geography has nothing to do with it.

The real reasons run much deeper, and they might be uncomfortable to hear.

But if you're willing to look honestly at what might be happening, you can actually change this pattern. I've seen it happen, and it starts with understanding these seven factors that push adult children away.

1) You still treat them like children

When your thirty-something daughter walks through your door, do you immediately start telling her she looks tired? Do you question her parenting decisions? Maybe you rearrange her kid's car seat because "it's not quite right"?

I get it. In your mind, you're being helpful. You're sharing wisdom. But here's what your adult child hears: "You still don't know what you're doing."

My own mother used to do this constantly. Every visit became a checklist of things I was doing wrong. My hair needed cutting. My career choice (leaving finance for writing) was "risky." Was I sure I was eating enough protein as a vegan? The questions never stopped.

Meanwhile, at my friend's in-laws' house, she was treated as a competent adult. They asked for her opinions. They respected her choices even when they didn't understand them. Guess where she preferred spending her time?

The shift happens when you start relating to your child as a peer, not a project. Ask questions out of genuine curiosity, not concern. Trust that they've got this, even when you would do things differently.

2) Your home feels like an emotional minefield

Does visiting you mean navigating old family tensions? Maybe there's that thing nobody talks about but everyone remembers. Or perhaps every conversation somehow circles back to past disappointments or current grievances.

I worked with someone whose mother could turn any topic into a guilt trip.

Mention work was busy? "Well, if you visited more, you'd know I've been busy too, dealing with my health issues alone." Talk about vacation plans? "Must be nice to have money for vacations when you never offer to help with my house repairs."

Compare that to homes where the emotional weather is predictable and pleasant. Where conversations don't require defensive strategies. Where you can relax instead of staying on high alert for the next emotional ambush.

Your adult children aren't avoiding you. They're avoiding the exhausting emotional labor that comes with every visit.

3) You haven't updated your relationship software

Are you still running the same relationship program from when they were fifteen? Still offering unsolicited advice about their marriage, their mortgage, their meal planning?

Parents who see their adult children regularly have learned to evolve. They've discovered new ways to connect that honor who their children have become.

Maybe they share podcast recommendations instead of life lessons. They swap recipes rather than criticize food choices. They ask about work projects with genuine interest rather than worry.

Think about your most fulfilling adult friendships. You probably don't spend those relationships rehashing the past or giving constant advice. You enjoy each other's company in the present. Your relationship with your adult child needs the same update.

4) You make every visit about you

When they do visit, does the entire agenda revolve around your needs, your schedule, your preferred activities? Do you guilt them into staying longer, visiting certain relatives, or attending events they're not interested in?

I remember visiting my parents meant being dragged to their friends' houses, sitting through conversations about people I didn't know, eating at restaurants only they liked.

My time wasn't my own. Every visit felt like an obligation marathon.

Adult children gravitate toward grandparents who consider everyone's needs. Who understand that a visit with young kids might mean keeping things flexible. Who recognize that their adult child might need downtime, not a packed social calendar.

5) You compete with the in-laws

Nothing pushes adult children away faster than making them feel caught in the middle of a grandparent competition.

Comments like "I see the other grandma got to take them to the zoo" or "Must be nice that they get all the holidays" put your child in an impossible position.

This competition creates the exact opposite of what you want. Instead of drawing your child closer, it makes them want to avoid the drama entirely. They'll naturally spend more time with whoever makes their life easier, not harder.

The families I see thriving have grandparents who celebrate each other's relationships with the grandkids. They understand that love isn't pie. One grandparent's gain isn't another's loss.

6) You haven't created a judgment-free zone

Every parent has opinions about their adult child's choices. The difference lies in what you do with those opinions. Do you share them freely? Do you make "helpful suggestions" that are really criticisms in disguise?

My mother still introduces me as "my daughter who worked in finance" rather than "my daughter the writer." That single phrase tells you everything about what she values and what she dismisses.

It took me years to realize I couldn't live for her approval, but that realization came with a cost: Distance.

The in-laws who get all the visits? They might not understand every choice, but they keep their judgments to themselves. They celebrate successes without adding "but." They offer support without strings attached.

7) You mistake worry for love

Many parents, mine included, express love through constant concern. Every conversation becomes a wellness check. Are you saving enough? Is your job secure? What's your backup plan?

I understand this comes from love. My parents' generation often equated financial security with happiness. But to your adult child, this constant worry feels like a vote of no confidence. It's exhausting to constantly reassure someone that you're okay.

The grandparents who get regular visits have learned to express love through presence, not panic. Through interest, not interrogation.

They trust that their adult children will ask for help when they need it.

Final thoughts

Reading this might hurt. It might feel unfair. You might be thinking about all the ways you've tried, all the love you've shown, all the sacrifices you've made.

Those things matter. They really do. But if your adult child is choosing to spend time elsewhere, something in the dynamic needs to shift.

The good news? Every single one of these patterns can change. I've seen parents transform their relationships with their adult children by simply becoming aware of these dynamics and making different choices.

Start small. Pick one pattern that resonates and work on that. Maybe you'll bite your tongue the next time you want to offer advice. Maybe you'll ask about their life with genuine curiosity rather than concern.

Your adult children want to spend time with you. They really do. But they need that time to feel good for everyone involved.

When you create a relationship based on mutual respect, genuine interest, and emotional safety, you won't have to wonder why they choose the in-laws.

They'll choose you too. Not out of obligation, but out of genuine desire to be in your company. And isn't that what we all really want?