If your grown children barely call anymore, these 7 habits you held onto for years probably explain why

That phone call from your adult child last week lasted what, maybe five minutes?

You remember when they used to call you about everything. Now, getting them on the phone feels like scheduling a meeting with a busy CEO. The texts are brief. The visits feel rushed. And you're left wondering where your close relationship went.

I've watched this play out with so many parents, including my own mother who still introduces me as "my daughter who worked in finance" instead of "my daughter the writer."

That disconnect? It speaks volumes about the habits we hold onto without realizing how they push our kids away.

After years of observing these patterns and yes, experiencing them myself from both sides, I've identified seven habits that create distance between parents and their grown children.

The good news is that once you recognize them, you can start changing the dynamic.

1) Giving unsolicited advice about everything

• "Have you thought about refinancing your mortgage?"
• "That haircut makes you look tired."
• "You should really consider a different career path."

Sound familiar?

When our kids were young, they needed our guidance for almost everything. But adult children? They need something different. They need us to trust that we raised them well enough to make their own decisions.

I remember calling my mom less frequently when every conversation became a coaching session. She meant well, truly. Her concern about financial security drove her to offer constant advice about my career change.

But what I needed was someone to listen, not someone to fix my life.

Ask yourself: When your child shares something with you, do you immediately jump into problem-solving mode? Try this instead: Unless they specifically ask for advice, just listen.

Say things like "That sounds challenging" or "How are you feeling about that?" You might be surprised how much more they open up when they don't feel like they're defending their choices.

2) Treating them like they're still teenagers

Do you still remind your 30-year-old to wear a jacket when it's cold? Question their ability to manage their own schedule? Act surprised when they successfully handle adult responsibilities?

This habit is sneaky because it often comes from love. But here's what psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein notes: "When parents continue to treat adult children as if they are still adolescents, it can create resentment and push them away."

Your adult child has probably been paying bills, holding down jobs, and navigating relationships for years. When you question their basic competence, you're essentially saying you don't see them as the capable adults they've become.

3) Making every conversation about you

They call to share news about a promotion, and somehow the conversation shifts to your health issues. They mention a friend's wedding, and you launch into a story about your neighbor's daughter.

We all know someone who does this, but have you considered it might be you?

When adult children feel like their lives are just launching pads for your stories, they stop sharing. They'll stick to safe topics like the weather or stop calling altogether. After all, why bother sharing if the conversation always circles back to you?

Next time your child calls, try this experiment: Focus entirely on what they're saying. Ask follow-up questions. Show genuine interest in their world. Save your updates for after they've had their turn, or better yet, wait for them to ask.

4) Guilt-tripping about time and visits

• "I guess I'll just spend another Sunday alone."
• "Your brother visits twice as often as you do."
• "I won't be around forever, you know."

Guilt might get you a reluctant visit, but it won't get you the relationship you want. In fact, research from the University of Cambridge suggests that guilt-based communication patterns significantly damage parent-adult child relationships.

Think about it: Do you want your child to call because they feel obligated or because they genuinely want to connect with you? When every interaction includes a guilt trip about not calling or visiting enough, you're making yourself someone to be avoided, not someone to seek out.

Instead of guilt, try appreciation. "It was so nice to hear from you" beats "Finally, you remembered you have a mother" every single time.

5) Refusing to acknowledge their boundaries

They've asked you not to drop by unannounced, but you still do. They've requested you not discuss politics, but you bring it up anyway. They've set limits on how often they can visit, but you push for more.

Boundaries aren't personal attacks. They're how adults maintain healthy relationships. When you repeatedly cross them, you're showing disrespect for your child's autonomy.

I learned this the hard way when I had to confront my parents' disappointment about my career change. Setting that boundary, telling them I needed their support rather than their criticism, was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had.

But it saved our relationship.

Respecting boundaries actually brings you closer in the long run. It shows you see your child as an equal, someone whose needs and preferences matter as much as your own.

6) Comparing them to others constantly

• "Your cousin just bought a house."
• "Sarah's daughter calls her every day."
• "Did you see what Tom's son accomplished?"

Comparisons might have motivated them as kids (though probably not as much as you thought), but for adults, they're just exhausting. Your child is on their own journey, with their own timeline and their own definition of success.

Every comparison sends the message that they're not enough as they are. Is it any wonder they'd rather limit contact than constantly feel measured against others?

Celebrate your child for who they are, not who they aren't. Focus on their unique strengths and achievements, no matter how different they look from what you expected.

7) Never admitting when you're wrong

Parents are human. We make mistakes, say the wrong things, and sometimes hurt the people we love most. But if you can't acknowledge when you've messed up, you're creating a wall between you and your child.

Adult relationships require mutual respect and accountability. When you refuse to apologize or admit fault, you're maintaining a parent-child dynamic that no longer fits.

I've seen relationships transform when parents simply say, "I was wrong about that" or "I'm sorry I hurt you." These words don't diminish your authority; they enhance your humanity.

Final thoughts

If you recognized yourself in any of these habits, take a breath. We all have patterns we've held onto for too long, especially with our children. The relationship dynamics that worked when they were young simply don't translate to adult relationships.

The distance you're feeling isn't necessarily permanent. Adult children want meaningful relationships with their parents, but they need those relationships to evolve. They need to be seen as the adults they've become, not the children they once were.

Start small. Pick one habit to work on. Maybe it's holding back advice unless asked. Maybe it's truly listening without redirecting to your own stories. Small changes can lead to big shifts in your relationship.

Remember, your adult child's independence isn't a rejection of you. It's the successful outcome of your parenting. The goal was always to raise a capable, autonomous person. Now it's time to enjoy a relationship with the amazing adult you helped create.