From subtle phone checks during heartfelt stories to planning family gatherings where they're merely informed when to show up, we're slowly erasing our parents from the very families they built—one small, unintentional slight at a time.
It happened during a casual Sunday dinner at my parents' house last spring. My dad was telling a story about his first job, the one where he worked nights to pay for college, when my sister pulled out her phone mid-sentence.
She wasn't trying to be rude. She was just checking a work email that "couldn't wait." But I saw it in his eyes: that flicker of hurt, followed by resignation. He just quietly finished his story to an audience that was only half-listening.
That moment stuck with me because it wasn't malicious. My sister loves our dad deeply. She'd drop everything if he needed her. Yet somehow, without meaning to, she'd just made him feel invisible in his own home.
As someone who spent years as a primary caregiver when my mother had surgery, I've seen both sides of this generational divide. And what I've noticed is that we're inadvertently pushing our Boomer parents to the margins of family life, often without even realizing we're doing it.
The thing is, these aren't dramatic gestures or intentional slights. They're quiet, subtle patterns that accumulate over time. They're the modern equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts, each one so small we don't notice the damage until the relationship feels strained and we can't quite figure out why.
Let me walk you through nine ways this is happening in families everywhere, including, if we're being honest, probably yours and mine.
1) Digital conversations that leave them behind
Remember when calling someone meant picking up the phone? Now family updates happen in group texts filled with memes, GIFs, and references that leave many Boomers feeling like they're reading a foreign language.
I watched this play out recently when my cousin announced her pregnancy in our family WhatsApp group with a series of emojis and a TikTok video. Half the family got it immediately. The other half, including my aunt, had to ask what was happening.
By the time she understood, the conversation had moved on to baby names and she'd missed her chance to share in that first moment of joy.
We assume everyone communicates the way we do. But when we make digital fluency the price of admission to family conversations, we're unconsciously excluding those who didn't grow up with smartphones in their hands.
2) Dismissing their concerns as outdated
"Mom, nobody does it that way anymore."
How many times have we said some version of this? When my parents expressed concern about financial security, something I learned was their primary way of showing love, I used to brush it off as old-fashioned worrying. It took me years to understand that their concerns came from lived experience: recessions, job losses, and an economy that was fundamentally different from mine.
We're quick to label their perspectives as irrelevant without considering that maybe, just maybe, there's wisdom in their caution. Every time we roll our eyes at their "outdated" advice, we're essentially telling them their life experience has no value.
3) Making major family decisions without their input
Last Thanksgiving, a friend told me her adult children had completely reorganized the holiday traditions. New location, new menu, new schedule. All decided in a group chat her parents weren't part of. When they found out, the plans were already set.
"We thought we were making it easier for them," her daughter explained later. But what they'd actually done was remove their parents from the conversation entirely. The message, however unintended, was clear: your preferences don't matter anymore.
4) Treating their stories like background noise
Here's something I noticed after helping my aging parents downsize last year. As we sorted through boxes, every item had a story. The chipped vase from their honeymoon. The cookbook splattered with decades of dinner preparations. Each one was a thread in the tapestry of their lives.
But how often do we actually listen to these stories? Really listen, not just wait for them to finish so we can get back to our phones or our own conversations?
When we treat their memories as tedious rather than treasured, we're not just dismissing stories. We're dismissing the people who lived them.
5) Correcting them in front of others
"Actually, Dad, that's not how it works."
I've said it. You've probably said it. We fact-check our parents in real-time, often in front of other family members or friends. We pull out our phones to prove them wrong about everything from historical dates to the lyrics of old songs.
Yes, they might get details wrong sometimes. But public correction, especially the smug kind that comes with a Google search, chips away at their dignity. There's a way to share accurate information without making them feel foolish in front of people they care about.
6) Assuming they can't learn new things
When my mother wanted to learn how to video call her grandchildren, my brother's first response was, "It's probably too complicated for you." He meant well. He was trying to spare her frustration. But what she heard was that he thought she was incapable.
We do this constantly. We make decisions about what they can and can't handle without giving them the chance to try. Sure, technology might not come as naturally to them, but assuming incompetence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we stop expecting them to grow, they often stop trying.
7) Scheduling around them instead of with them
"We'll just tell Mom and Dad when to show up."
I overheard this at a coffee shop recently, and it hit close to home. How many family gatherings have we planned where our parents' schedule was an afterthought? We pick the date, time, and place based on what works for the younger generation, then expect them to adjust.
The subtext is brutal: your time is less valuable than ours. Your commitments are less important. You're a guest at events that should be equally yours.
8) Rewriting family history without their voice
After having honest conversations with my parents about mental health, breaking what felt like generations of silence, I realized how many family stories I'd been telling wrong.
My version of events, shaped by my own perspective and pop psychology, often erased the complexity of what they'd actually lived through.
We interpret their choices through our modern lens, applying today's values to yesterday's decisions. We diagnose their generation with terms they never had access to. And in doing so, we rob them of the chance to tell their own stories, in their own words, with their own meaning.
9) Moving conversations online without alternatives
The family Facebook group. The Instagram updates. The Zoom birthday parties. We've moved so much of family life online that those who aren't digitally connected might as well be living on another planet.
My father's heart attack at 68 made me grateful I left corporate stress when I did, but it also showed me how isolated he'd become from extended family.
While everyone was sharing updates and support online, he was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring. It rarely did.
Final thoughts
Reading through this list, you might recognize your own family. I certainly recognize mine. The truth is, most of us aren't trying to push our parents out. We're just living our lives the way that makes sense to us, forgetting that our normal might be their lonely.
The good news? Once you see these patterns, you can change them. It doesn't require grand gestures or complete lifestyle overhauls. Sometimes it's as simple as putting down your phone when they're talking. Calling instead of texting. Asking for their input before making plans.
Our parents won't be around forever. When they're gone, we won't remember the emails we answered during their stories or the time we saved by not including them in decisions.
We'll remember the conversations we had, the laughter we shared, and whether we made them feel valued in their own families.
The question is: what do we want those memories to be?
