While your parents are casually planning their retirement around you becoming their full-time caregiver, personal banker, and live-in support system, there's a truth they don't know yet: You've already decided which of these expectations you simply won't be meeting.
If you've ever sat through a family dinner where your parents casually mentioned "when you take care of us" or "when we move in with you," you know that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach.
That mix of guilt, frustration, and the unspoken truth that you're already stretched too thin.
Here's what many boomer parents don't realize: while they're making assumptions about their golden years, their adult children are having very different conversations with their partners behind closed doors.
The gap between what our parents expect and what we're actually prepared to do has never been wider.
After helping my own parents downsize last year and navigating my mother's surgery recovery, I've had a front-row seat to these generational expectations.
What struck me most wasn't just what my parents assumed would happen, but how certain they were about it, as if these plans had been written in stone decades ago.
The reality? Many of us have already decided where our boundaries lie.
We just haven't found the courage to voice them yet.
1) Being the default caregiver when health declines
Remember when your parents took care of their parents?
Neither do I, because for many boomers, their own parents either lived independently until the end or passed away relatively young.
Yet somehow, there's this assumption that we'll drop everything to become full-time caregivers.
When I became the primary caregiver during my mother's surgery recovery, I got a crash course in just how demanding this role can be.
The physical tasks, the emotional toll, the way it consumed every waking hour, and that was just for a few months.
Many of our parents assume we'll naturally step into this role indefinitely when the time comes.
They picture us managing their medications, driving them to appointments, helping with daily tasks.
What they don't see is our own reality: The demanding careers, the kids who need us, and the fact that we're already burning out from juggling too much.
The truth many of us have accepted but haven't voiced? Professional care or assisted living might be the more realistic option because we recognize our limitations.
2) Moving in together when they can't live alone
"We'll just convert the basement" or "We can add a mother-in-law suite" are phrases that make many adult children internally cringe.
Our parents often assume that multi-generational living is the natural next step, just like in the old days.
But here's what they're missing: Our homes aren't built for this, our marriages aren't prepared for this, and our mental health can't sustain this.
I love my parents deeply, but after spending just two weeks with them during the downsizing process, I was reminded why we all need our own space.
The constant commentary on how I load the dishwasher, the unsolicited advice about my diet choices, the subtle disapproval when I went for my morning run instead of having breakfast together.
Multiply that by years, and you have a recipe for relationship disaster.
Most of us have quietly decided that separate living arrangements, even if it means assisted living or senior communities, will preserve both our sanity and our relationships with our parents.
3) Managing all their finances and paperwork
How many times have you heard "You're so good with computers" as a prelude to becoming the unofficial family IT department?
Our parents often assume we'll seamlessly take over their financial management, bill paying, and administrative tasks when they can't handle them anymore.
During my parents' downsizing, I discovered boxes of paperwork dating back to the 1980s.
Old warranties for appliances long discarded, bank statements from accounts closed decades ago, and tax returns that could fill a storage unit.
The assumption was clear: Someday, I would sort through all of this and manage everything going forward.
What many boomers don't understand is that we're barely keeping our own financial lives organized.
Between work emails, our kids' school portals, our own bills and investments, adding another full layer of financial management feels impossible.
The decision many of us have made? We'll help find a financial advisor or elder law attorney who can handle these responsibilities professionally.
We'll be involved, yes, but we won't be the sole managers of their financial lives.
4) Being available for every emergency
There's this underlying expectation that we'll be the first call for every situation, from a leaky faucet to a medical emergency.
Our parents grew up in an era where family meant dropping everything, and they assume we'll do the same.
After my father's heart attack at 68, I realized how quickly these emergencies can derail our entire lives.
I'm grateful I had already left my corporate job and had some flexibility, but what if I hadn't? The expectation would have been the same: Drop everything and come immediately.
Many of us work in jobs that don't offer the flexibility our parents had or imagine we have.
We can't just leave in the middle of a workday.
Likewise, we have our own families who depend on us, and might live hours or even states away.
The boundary we're setting? We'll be there for true emergencies, but we're also building networks of local support, emergency services, and professional help that can respond when we physically cannot.
5) Preserving all family traditions exactly as they were
Every family has its traditions, and boomer parents often assume these will continue unchanged forever.
The annual reunion at the family home, holiday dinners prepared the same way for forty years, the expectation that everyone gathers for every birthday and anniversary.
When I found my old report cards during the downsizing, I saw notes about perfect attendance at family events, even as a child.
The expectation was set early: Family events are mandatory, and our lives look different now.
We have in-laws with their own traditions, children with sports tournaments and school events, and friends who've become chosen family.
Some of us have moved across the country for opportunities our parents never imagined.
The decision we've made? We'll create new traditions that work for our modern lives.
Maybe it's a video call instead of a cross-country flight, or it's celebrating holidays on different days.
The love is still there, but the rigid expectations have to go.
6) Following their medical wishes without question
Our parents often assume we'll simply execute whatever medical decisions they would make for themselves, without considering the emotional and ethical weight these decisions carry.
They might refuse certain treatments or insist on others, assuming we'll advocate for their wishes without hesitation.
Here's what I learned during my mother's surgery: Being a medical advocate is exhausting and sometimes requires making decisions that go against what your parent thinks they want.
When someone is scared, in pain, or not thinking clearly, their "wishes" can change dramatically.
Many of us have decided we'll insist on clear, legal documentation like living wills and healthcare proxies.
We'll have the hard conversations now, while everyone's healthy, and we'll involve medical professionals in decision-making rather than bearing that weight alone.
7) Maintaining their home indefinitely
"This house will stay in the family" is a phrase that sends shivers down many adult children's spines.
Our parents often assume we'll maintain their family home as some sort of shrine to their memory, keeping it exactly as they left it.
The reality? Most of us can barely maintain our own homes.
The idea of managing a second property, with all its maintenance, taxes, and emotional baggage, feels overwhelming.
That four-bedroom colonial where you grew up? It's not practical for anyone anymore.
We've decided that when the time comes, selling might be the kindest option for everyone.
The proceeds can fund our parents' care, and we can preserve memories through photos and meaningful objects rather than an entire house.
8) Sacrificing our own retirement planning
Perhaps the biggest assumption is that we'll sacrifice our own financial future to support theirs.
Whether it's the expectation that we'll cover care costs, supplement their income, or simply put our own savings on hold to help them, many boomers don't realize how precarious their children's financial situations already are.
Unlike our parents' generation, we don't have pensions.
We're still paying off student loans well into our forties, and trying to save for our own kids' education while knowing Social Security might not exist when we retire.
The financial cushion our parents assume we have simply isn't there.
The boundary we're drawing? We'll help within reason, but not at the expense of our own security.
We've learned from watching our parents' generation that failing to plan for our own aging would just pass this burden on to our kids.
Final thoughts
Having these boundaries might mean we love them more wisely.
By being honest about what we can and cannot do, we preserve the relationship rather than destroying it under the weight of impossible expectations.
The conversation about these boundaries won't be easy.
There will be guilt, disappointment, and probably some tears.
However, the alternative, silent resentment and eventual burnout, serves no one.
As I learned when I had to confront my parents' disappointment about various life choices, we can't live for their approval.
We can only live with integrity, compassion, and honest boundaries.
Sometimes, that's the most loving thing we can do.
