There's a sentence emotionally neglected people say on every first date that screens out anyone who could actually love them—they have no idea they're saying it

Picture this: You're on a first date, and things are going surprisingly well. The conversation flows, you're both laughing, and then they ask about your childhood or what you're looking for in a relationship. Without even realizing it, you say something like, "Oh, I'm really easy-going. I don't need much."

Or maybe it comes out as, "I'm pretty self-sufficient, I don't really need anyone."

Perhaps you've said, "I'm fine with whatever makes the other person happy."

You think you're being accommodating, maybe even attractive in your independence. But what you've actually done is put up an invisible wall that says: I don't know how to receive love, and I'm not sure I deserve it anyway.

I know this because I used to say versions of this sentence all the time. Growing up with a teacher mom and engineer dad who emphasized education above all else, I learned early that being "low maintenance" was a virtue. Being the gifted child meant never being too much trouble, never having too many needs.

The sentence that reveals everything

The specific words might vary, but the message is always the same: I won't be a burden. I won't ask for too much. I won't need you.

Here's what emotionally neglected people don't realize when they say this: healthy partners actually want to meet your needs. They want to know what makes you happy, what comforts you when you're sad, what dreams keep you up at night. When you present yourself as someone without needs, you're essentially screening out anyone capable of genuine intimacy.

Think about it from the other person's perspective. If someone tells you they don't need anything from you, where does that leave you in the relationship? What's your role? How do you show love to someone who insists they're fine without it?

The answer is: you don't. You move on to someone who lets you in.

Why we say it without realizing

Emotional neglect doesn't always look like obvious abuse or abandonment. Sometimes it looks like parents who provided everything except emotional attunement. They kept you fed, clothed, educated, but somehow missed the part about validating your feelings or teaching you that having needs is normal.

In my case, achievements were celebrated, but emotions were inefficient. When I was anxious about a test, the solution was to study harder, not to talk about the fear. When I was sad about a friendship ending, the focus shifted quickly to making new friends, not processing the loss.

So I learned to be the child who didn't need emotional support. And that child grew into an adult who opened every relationship with a disclaimer: Don't worry, I won't need much from you.

Psychologist Dr. Jonice Webb, who coined the term Childhood Emotional Neglect, notes that these adults often struggle with self-compassion and have difficulty identifying and expressing their emotional needs. We literally don't know what we need because no one ever asked us or taught us to ask ourselves.

The self-sufficiency trap

There's something particularly seductive about being the person who needs nothing. It feels like strength. It feels like you've got it all figured out. After years of working through my own people-pleasing tendencies, I realized that my "self-sufficiency" was actually a defense mechanism.

If I don't need anything from you, you can't disappoint me. If I don't rely on you, you can't let me down. If I keep my expectations at zero, I'll never be hurt.

But here's what therapy taught me: this isn't self-sufficiency. It's self-protection taken to an extreme that blocks out love along with potential hurt. Real strength is being able to say, "I need comfort right now" or "That hurt my feelings" or even simply, "I'd love it if you could do this for me."

A friend once told me about her dating experience with someone who constantly insisted they were "chill" and "easy to please." At first, she found it refreshing. No drama, no demands. But after a few months, she felt like she was dating a ghost. She had no idea how to make them happy because they insisted they already were. She couldn't comfort them because they never admitted to being upset. The relationship felt hollow because there was no space for her to give love.

What healthy need-expression looks like

Learning to express needs doesn't mean becoming demanding or needy. It means being honest about your humanity. It means saying things like:

"I really appreciate when partners check in with me during the day."

"Physical affection is really important to me."

"When I'm stressed, what helps me most is talking things through."

"I need some alone time to recharge, but it's not about you."

These aren't burdens. They're roadmaps to loving you well.

I remember the first time I told someone I was dating that I needed reassurance about something. My whole body tensed up, waiting for them to tell me I was too much. Instead, they thanked me for telling them exactly how to support me. It was a revelation.

Breaking the pattern

If you recognize yourself in this, know that changing this pattern takes time and intentional practice. Start small. Practice expressing preferences about little things. Where you want to eat dinner. What movie you'd prefer to watch. What time works better for you to meet.

Notice when you're about to say "I don't mind" or "Whatever you want" and pause. Ask yourself: What DO I want? Even if the answer is genuinely "I don't have a strong preference," there's power in checking in with yourself first.

Pay attention to how you describe yourself on dates. Are you painting a picture of someone who's completely self-contained? Or are you showing up as a full human with desires, preferences, and yes, needs?

Remember that the right person won't be scared off by your humanity. They'll be grateful for the opportunity to love you properly.

Final thoughts

That sentence we say without realizing, the one that promises we won't be any trouble? It's not protecting us the way we think it is. It's filtering out everyone who could love us deeply and keeping only those who prefer relationships that stay on the surface.

Learning that vulnerability isn't the same as being vulnerable to harm changed everything for me. The right person doesn't want a partner who needs nothing. They want a partner who trusts them enough to share their needs.

So next time you're on a date and you feel those familiar words rising up, the ones that minimize your needs and maximize your independence, pause. Take a breath. And try saying something beautifully, vulnerably true instead.

You might be surprised who stays when you stop pretending you need nothing at all.