While struggling couples cling to scorekeeping, mind-reading expectations, and waiting for passion to magically return, the happiest partners have quietly abandoned these relationship-killing habits—and the difference is transforming their love lives.
Ever notice how some couples seem to flow through life together like they're dancing to the same rhythm, while others look like they're constantly stepping on each other's toes?
I've spent years observing relationships, both as someone who's been through the trenches myself and as someone who writes about human behavior. And here's what I've discovered: genuinely happy couples aren't just lucky. They've actively stopped doing things that keep other relationships stuck in endless loops of frustration.
The difference isn't about finding the perfect person or having fewer problems. Every couple faces challenges. The real game-changer is what behaviors they're willing to let go of versus what they stubbornly hold onto.
1. Keeping score of who does what
You know that mental spreadsheet some couples keep? The one that tracks who last took out the trash, who paid for dinner, who apologized first? Happy couples have torn that up and thrown it away.
When I was in my late twenties, I had a relationship where we kept tabs on everything. If I cooked dinner three nights in a row, you better believe I was mentally noting it. This scorekeeping turned our relationship into a competition rather than a partnership. No surprise, it didn't work out.
In thriving relationships, partners contribute without tracking. They do things because they want to support each other, not because they're trying to keep things "even." Psychology researcher John Gottman found that successful couples make what he calls "emotional bank deposits" without expecting immediate returns. They trust that over time, things balance out naturally.
2. Mind reading expectations
"If they really loved me, they'd know what I need."
Sound familiar? This toxic belief kills more relationships than almost anything else. Happy couples have learned to use their words instead of expecting their partner to be psychic.
I used to think asking for what I needed meant I was weak or that the relationship wasn't strong enough. Therapy helped me realize this was completely backwards. Clear communication is actually a sign of strength and respect for both yourself and your partner.
Instead of sulking when your partner doesn't magically know you had a rough day and need extra support, tell them. Instead of hoping they'll figure out what birthday gift you want, give them hints or even a wishlist. Your partner wants to make you happy, but they need your help to do it effectively.
3. Bringing up past mistakes during every argument
Struggling couples have a greatest hits album of past grievances that they play on repeat during conflicts. That time you forgot their birthday three years ago? Still getting airtime. The comment you made about their mother last Christmas? Back for another round.
Happy couples have learned to address issues when they happen, resolve them, and then actually let them go. They don't stockpile ammunition for future fights. When they argue about something happening now, they keep it about what's happening now.
This doesn't mean ignoring patterns of behavior. But there's a difference between addressing recurring issues constructively and weaponizing someone's past mistakes every time you disagree about whose turn it is to walk the dog.
4. Comparing their relationship to others
Social media has made this one particularly brutal. Struggling couples scroll through carefully curated highlight reels and wonder why their relationship doesn't look like that sunset beach proposal or perfectly coordinated family photo shoot.
Content couples understand that comparing their behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel is a recipe for misery. They focus on what works for them, not what looks good on Instagram.
My partner and I learned this the hard way. We used to look at couples who shared all the same hobbies and wonder if something was wrong with us because he has zero interest in gardening and I'd rather do anything than watch football. Then we realized our shared values around health, community service, and personal growth mattered way more than whether we both liked the same Saturday activities.
5. Trying to change fundamental aspects of their partner
This one's huge. Unhappy couples often operate under the delusion that with enough nagging, suggesting, or "encouraging," they can transform their partner into someone else entirely.
Happy couples accept that their partner is who they are. Sure, people can grow and evolve, but you can't date an introvert and then spend years trying to turn them into a social butterfly. You can't marry someone who clearly stated they don't want kids and assume they'll change their mind.
Psychologist Dan Gilbert's research shows that we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy, and this includes thinking we'll be happy once we "fix" our partner. Content couples work with who their partner actually is, not who they wish they were.
6. Going to bed angry
Okay, I know the old advice says "never go to bed angry," but hear me out. Happy couples have learned that sometimes, going to bed angry is exactly what you should do.
Trying to resolve every conflict before sleep often means arguing when you're exhausted, hangry, and least capable of empathy. Happy couples recognize when they need to pause, sleep on it, and revisit the issue when they're both in a better headspace.
The key difference? They actually do revisit it. They don't use sleep as a way to avoid the conversation forever. They use it as a tool to approach the problem with fresh perspective and more emotional regulation.
7. Making their partner responsible for their happiness
Struggling couples often believe their partner's job is to make them happy. Bad day at work? Partner should fix it. Feeling insecure? Partner should provide constant reassurance. Bored with life? Partner should be the entertainment.
Thriving couples understand that while partners can contribute to happiness, each person is ultimately responsible for their own emotional wellbeing. They maintain individual interests, friendships, and coping strategies. They come to the relationship as whole people, not as halves waiting to be completed.
8. Pretending everything is fine when it's not
Some couples mistake avoiding conflict for having a good relationship. They smile through resentment, swallow their frustrations, and pretend problems don't exist. Then one day, someone explodes or simply checks out entirely.
Happy couples have difficult conversations. They bring up issues while they're still small and manageable. They've learned that a little discomfort now prevents massive blow-ups later.
In couples therapy, my partner and I learned to spot when we were doing this. We had both grown up in families where conflict was either explosive or completely suppressed, so we had to learn an entirely new way of addressing problems calmly but directly.
9. Waiting for the "spark" to return on its own
Struggling couples often treat passion and connection like the weather, something that just happens to them. When the initial butterflies fade, they either panic or resign themselves to a mediocre relationship.
Happy couples know that lasting love requires intention. They schedule date nights even when life gets busy. They put their phones down and actually talk. They try new things together. They understand that the "spark" isn't something you wait for; it's something you actively create and maintain.
Research by psychologist Arthur Aron shows that couples who regularly try new and exciting activities together report higher relationship satisfaction. It's not about expensive gestures or elaborate plans. It's about choosing to invest energy in keeping the relationship vibrant.
Final thoughts
Looking at this list, you might recognize some patterns in your own relationship. That's okay. We all picked up unhelpful relationship habits somewhere along the way, whether from our families, past relationships, or what we absorbed from movies and TV.
The good news? These aren't permanent features of who you are or how your relationship has to be. Every single one of these behaviors can be unlearned with awareness, effort, and patience with both yourself and your partner.
The couples who thrive aren't the ones who never had these problems. They're the ones who recognized them and decided to do something different. They chose growth over comfort, connection over being right, and partnership over scorekeeping.
What will you choose?
