She's swiping through dating apps with the same enthusiasm she reserves for deleting spam emails, crafting a fortress of "self-care" and impossible standards while her friends wonder why someone so amazing is still single.
Have you ever caught yourself scrolling through dating apps while watching Netflix, not really looking at any of the profiles? Or maybe you've noticed that your "I'm just focusing on myself right now" has stretched from a few months into... well, longer than you'd care to admit?
I see this pattern everywhere lately. Women who are technically still "open to dating" but have quietly checked out. They haven't made any grand announcements about giving up on love, but their actions tell a different story.
The thing is, recognizing when you've emotionally withdrawn from dating can be surprisingly hard. We tell ourselves we're being selective, that we're working on ourselves, that the right person will come along when we least expect it. And while those things might be true, sometimes they're also convenient covers for a deeper truth: we've given up, but we're not quite ready to admit it.
1. Creating impossible standards that no one can meet
Remember when your dealbreakers were reasonable things like "must be kind" and "should have their life somewhat together"? Now your list reads like a job posting for a unicorn: must be 6'2", make six figures, love hiking but also cozy nights in, be spontaneous yet stable, emotionally available but not clingy.
I had a friend who kept adding to her list after every failed date. First it was "must love dogs," then "must have traveled to at least ten countries," then "must read at least 20 books a year." By the end, she'd created a person who literally couldn't exist.
When you set the bar impossibly high, you protect yourself from having to actually engage with real, flawed humans. It feels safer to say "I just have high standards" than to admit you're scared of getting hurt again.
2. Staying perpetually "too busy" for dates
Work is crazy. You're training for that 5K. Your friend needs help moving. Your plants need repotting. Suddenly, every possible dating opportunity conflicts with something "more important."
In my thirties, I became the queen of this. I'd match with someone interesting, chat for a bit, and then when they suggested meeting up, my calendar would mysteriously fill up for the next three weeks. Looking back, I wasn't actually that busy. I was protecting myself behind a wall of busyness because diving back into dating felt overwhelming.
Being genuinely busy is one thing. Using busyness as a shield is another. And deep down, you know which one you're doing.
3. Becoming overly invested in other people's relationships
You're the friend who knows every detail of everyone else's love life. You give relationship advice like you're running a column. You analyze your friend's boyfriend's text messages with the intensity of a code breaker.
Living vicariously through others' romantic lives gives you that connection to romance without any of the risk. You get to feel involved in love stories without putting your own heart on the line. Plus, focusing on other people's relationship drama is a great distraction from examining why you're not pursuing your own.
4. Treating self-care like a full-time relationship
Self-care is important, absolutely. But when "focusing on yourself" becomes your permanent relationship status, it might be worth examining what's really going on.
You've got your morning routine down to a science. Your skincare regimen could rival a K-beauty influencer's. You journal, meditate, do yoga, meal prep, and have regular therapy sessions. All wonderful things! But somewhere along the way, working on yourself became a reason to avoid letting anyone else in.
The truth is, you can work on yourself AND be open to connection. They're not mutually exclusive. But positioning them as an either/or situation gives you an out from having to risk vulnerability with another person.
5. Keeping dating apps but never actually using them
Your phone has Bumble, Hinge, maybe even that new app your friend recommended. You might occasionally update your photos or tweak your bio. But when it comes to actually swiping, matching, or messaging? Radio silence.
Or maybe you do swipe, but you never message. Or you message but ghost before meeting. The apps sit there like a safety blanket, proof that you're "trying," even though you know you're not really putting yourself out there.
Having the apps makes you feel like you haven't given up. You can tell concerned friends and family that you're "on the apps," and technically, you're not lying. But we both know there's a difference between having a gym membership and actually working out.
6. Romanticizing the single life to an extreme degree
Your social media is full of "single and thriving" posts. You talk about how amazing it is to have the whole bed to yourself, to make plans without checking with anyone, to eat cereal for dinner without judgment.
And yes, being single has genuine perks! But when you find yourself aggressively promoting singlehood like you're running a marketing campaign, it might be worth asking what you're trying to convince yourself of.
I went through a phase where I'd respond to any mention of dating with a speech about how fulfilled I was alone. Looking back, I was trying so hard to convince everyone (including myself) that I didn't want what I'd actually given up on finding.
7. Developing crushes only on unavailable people
Your work crush? Married. That attractive person at your gym? Lives across the country. The charming barista? Way too young (or old) for you.
Developing feelings for people you can't actually date is emotionally safe. You get the butterflies and daydreams without any risk of real rejection or heartbreak. You can tell yourself you're still capable of feeling attraction while never having to act on it.
It's like window shopping for emotions. You get to look and imagine, but you never have to commit to the purchase.
8. Making jokes about dying alone with too much frequency
"Guess I'll die surrounded by cats!" "At least I won't have to share my Netflix password!" "My retirement plan is becoming a witch in the woods!"
Humor is a great coping mechanism, but when every conversation about relationships turns into a comedy routine about your permanent singlehood, it might be masking something deeper. Those jokes often contain a kernel of resignation, a way of beating others to the punch before they can pity you.
Final thoughts
Recognizing these patterns in yourself doesn't mean you're broken or that you've failed at dating. Sometimes, withdrawing is exactly what we need to heal and regroup. After my relationship ended in my twenties with someone who couldn't handle my ambitions, I needed time to figure out what I really wanted.
The key is being honest with yourself about where you are. If you've given up on dating, that's okay. There's no rule that says you have to be actively looking for love at every moment of your life. But pretending you're still in the game when you've actually benched yourself can keep you stuck in a limbo that serves no one.
Maybe you need more time to heal. Maybe you need to work through some fears with a therapist. Or maybe you need to admit that you've given up so you can consciously decide whether you want to stay there or slowly open yourself back up to possibility.
Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself. Dating in today's world is genuinely challenging, and protecting your heart is a natural response to disappointment. Just remember that admitting where you really are is the first step to deciding where you want to go next.
