8 texts that mean you're the backup plan until their ex comes back

Instead, you're getting texts that arrive at odd hours, conversations that never quite solidify into plans, and a nagging feeling in your gut that something's off.

Here's what no one tells you about being someone's backup plan: the signs are almost always there in the texts. The way they reach out, what they say, how they respond. It all adds up to a pattern that's hard to ignore once you see it.

Let's talk about the eight text patterns that scream "you're Plan B until their ex comes back."

1. The late-night "thinking of you" messages

It's 11 PM on a Friday and your phone lights up. "Hey you" or "Been thinking about you" or "Miss your face."

Sounds sweet, right? Until you realize these messages only arrive when everyone else is probably busy or unavailable.

Breadcrumbing behavior often manifests through these sporadic bursts of attention. They're keeping you engaged just enough to stay interested, but never enough to feel secure.

The real kicker? These late-night texts rarely translate into actual plans. When you suggest meeting up, the conversation either stalls or you get hit with the classic "maybe next week."

Ask yourself this: when was the last time they texted you during normal hours just to see how your day was going?

2. The vague future talk

"We should totally grab dinner sometime."

"I'd love to see you soon."

"Let's definitely hang out when things settle down."

Notice the pattern? Everything is hypothetical. There's never a specific day, time, or place. These messages are designed to keep hope alive without requiring any actual commitment.

According to research on relationship manipulation tactics, this vagueness serves a purpose. It allows them to maintain your interest while keeping their options completely open.

When someone genuinely wants to see you, they make concrete plans. They say "Are you free Thursday at 7?" not "We should hang out sometime."

3. The disappearing act followed by the reappearance

They go silent for days or even weeks. No texts, no calls, nothing. You start to think maybe it's finally over.

Then suddenly, they're back with some casual message like nothing happened. "Sorry I've been MIA, work has been crazy" or "My phone died for like a week lol."

This pattern of submarining is textbook backup behavior. They disappear when focused on someone else or testing waters elsewhere. When that doesn't work out, they resurface to see if you're still around.

The truly painful part? You want to believe their excuse. You want to give them another chance. But the cycle keeps repeating because they know you will.

4. The deflection when you ask about commitment

You gather your courage and send a text asking where things are going. Maybe you're direct about it, maybe you're more subtle.

Either way, their response is a masterclass in evasion.

"I'm just not ready for anything serious right now."

"I don't want to put labels on things."

"Can't we just see where this goes?"

Here's the translation: they want the benefits of your attention and affection without any of the responsibility that comes with an actual relationship.

Research on non-committal behavior patterns shows that this ambiguity is often intentional. It keeps you in their orbit without requiring them to make any real choices.

Meanwhile, they're keeping their options open for their ex or anyone else who might come along.

5. The response time lottery

Sometimes they respond within minutes. Other times, hours. Sometimes days.

There's no consistency, no pattern you can predict. It's like playing roulette with your phone.

This inconsistency isn't accidental. When you're someone's priority, they find time to respond. When you're the backup plan, you get attention when it's convenient or when they need validation.

Pay attention to when those quick responses happen. Started to pull back? Haven't initiated contact in a while? That's them checking to make sure you're still on the hook.

6. The memory lane messages

"Remember that time we..." followed by some nostalgic reference to your past together.

These texts are designed to tap into your emotional connection without requiring any present-day investment. They're trading on history rather than building a future.

It feels sweet in the moment. Someone remembering that inside joke, that perfect day, that trip you took. Until you realize they never want to make new memories. They just want to keep you emotionally tethered to old ones.

When someone is genuinely interested in you, they're excited about creating new experiences together. They're not just mining the past for emotional crumbs to throw your way.

7. The check-in that goes nowhere

"How have you been?"

"What's new with you?"

"How's life?"

Surface-level questions that suggest interest but never go deeper. You answer, share what's happening in your life, and then... nothing. Or a brief "That's cool" before the conversation dies.

These check-ins serve one purpose: to maintain just enough contact to keep you interested. They're not actually trying to stay connected to your life. They're making sure you don't completely move on.

Real connection involves follow-up questions, genuine curiosity, and conversations that build on each other over time.

8. The ex references that never quite stop

Here's the most obvious sign, and yet so many of us ignore it.

They mention their ex. A lot. In texts, in conversations, in ways that feel oddly present for someone who's supposedly moved on.

"My ex used to love that restaurant."

"That reminds me of something my ex said."

"My ex just texted me actually..."

When someone is constantly bringing up their ex, they're telling you exactly where their mind is. They're not fully available because they're not fully over that relationship.

You're not paranoid for noticing this. You're paying attention.

Final thoughts

Look, I get it. When you really like someone, you can rationalize almost anything. You convince yourself that they're just busy, just going through something, just not ready yet.

But here's what I learned: when someone wants to be with you, they make it clear. They don't leave you guessing. They don't disappear and reappear. They don't keep you in limbo while they figure out if their ex might take them back.

You deserve to be someone's first choice. Not their safety net. Not their ego boost. Not the person they text when everyone else is unavailable.

If you're recognizing these patterns, it's time for an honest conversation with yourself about what you're willing to accept. You can't convince someone to prioritize you. They either do or they don't.

And you deserve someone who does.