The 'Black Coffee' analogy explains why you keep attracting what you don't want

Every morning, I pour myself a cup of strong black coffee. No sugar, no cream, just pure, unadulterated coffee. It's become this mindful ritual where I sit with the bitterness, appreciating its intensity rather than trying to mask it with sweeteners.

But here's the thing: not everyone wants black coffee. And that's perfectly fine. The problem is when people walk into a coffee shop and instead of ordering what they actually want, they just keep saying what they don't want.

Let me share an analogy that completely changed how I think about attraction and manifestation.

The black coffee problem

Imagine you're at a coffee shop and you want a latte. But instead of ordering a latte, you tell the barista, "I don't want black coffee."

They look at you, confused. "Okay... so what do you want?"

And you just repeat, "I just really don't want black coffee."

They walk away, scratching their heads. Later, when they're making drinks and can't quite remember your order, what do you think they're going to remember? Black coffee. Because that's all you talked about.

And guess what shows up at your table? Probably black coffee.

This is exactly how most people are ordering their lives.

When you ask them what they want, they say "I don't want to be stressed anymore." "I don't want to be broke." "I don't want to feel stuck."

Here's the thing: that's not desire. You're not ordering what you want, you're just resisting what you don't. And the universe hears what you're focused on, not what you're trying to avoid.

If you're focused on what you hate, what's missing, what's going wrong, you're reinforcing it. Even if you think you're trying to move past it.

So when you're asking for a change in your life, stop trying to escape what you don't want. Get crystal clear on what you do want. Speak it, claim it, move towards it.

"I want to feel abundant" will take you infinitely further than "I don't want to be broke."

The universe isn't confused, but if you are, you might end up with that black coffee.

Why our brains obsess over the negative

Ever notice how you can receive ten compliments and one criticism, and guess which one you'll be thinking about at 3 AM?

Our brains are wired for survival, not happiness. They're constantly scanning for threats, problems, and things that could go wrong. It's why negative experiences stick like velcro while positive ones slide off like teflon.

This negativity bias served our ancestors well. Remembering which berries were poisonous was way more important than remembering which sunset was prettiest. But in modern life, this same wiring keeps us locked in loops of focusing on what we're trying to avoid.

When I was working a warehouse job in Melbourne, shifting TVs all day, I spent months telling myself "I don't want to be stuck here forever." "I don't want to waste my education." "I don't want to feel unfulfilled."

You know what changed? Absolutely nothing. Not until I switched the narrative to "I want work that engages my mind." "I want to write and help people." "I want to build something meaningful."

The shift from avoidance to approach changes everything. Your brain stops being a security guard looking for threats and becomes an explorer searching for opportunities.

The language patterns that keep you stuck

Listen to how people talk about their lives. Really listen.

"I'm so tired of being single."
"I hate my job."
"I can't stand living in this apartment."

What are they actually creating a vision for? Nothing. They're just reinforcing their current reality by constantly talking about it.

I've been diving into Rudá Iandê's new book "Laughing in the Face of Chaos" recently, and one insight particularly struck me. He writes, "We live immersed in an ocean of stories, from the collective narratives that shape our societies to the personal tales that define our sense of self."

The stories we tell ourselves through our language literally shape our reality. When your story is all about what you're running from, you never actually get anywhere. You're like someone trying to drive while only looking in the rearview mirror.

The book inspired me to audit my own language patterns. How often was I defining my desires through negation? How frequently was I giving energy to what I wanted to escape rather than what I wanted to create?

Buddhism taught me that suffering often comes from attachment to expectations. But there's another layer: suffering also comes from being attached to our problems. We become so identified with what we're against that we forget to stand for something.

The power of positive specification

Remember that coffee shop scenario? The solution is simple. Order the latte.

But in life, most people have never actually sat down and figured out what their "latte" is. They know they don't want the black coffee of their current situation, but they haven't designed the alternative.

Getting specific about what you want feels vulnerable. When you say "I don't want to be alone," you're playing it safe. But when you say "I want a partner who shares my love of adventure and deep conversations," you're putting yourself out there. You're making a real request of the universe.

Specificity also forces you to confront whether you actually believe you deserve what you want. It's easier to complain about not having enough money than to say "I want to earn $100,000 doing work that lights me up." The latter requires you to believe it's possible.

In my book "Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego", I explore how Eastern philosophy teaches us to be present with what is while simultaneously holding space for what could be. It's not about denying problems. It's about not letting them become your entire focus.

Breaking the pattern

So how do you stop ordering black coffee when you want a latte?

First, catch yourself in the act. Notice when you're defining your desires through what you don't want. It happens more than you think. In conversations, in your journal, even in your own thoughts.

Second, flip the script immediately. Every "I don't want" becomes "I want." Every "I hate" becomes "I prefer." Every complaint becomes a request.

Third, get ridiculously specific about what you actually want. Not just "a better job" but the exact kind of work, environment, and impact you want to have. Not just "to be healthier" but how you want to feel in your body, what activities you want to enjoy.

Finally, start talking about your desires as if they're already on their way. Because when you order that latte with confidence and clarity, the barista knows exactly what to make.

The universe works the same way.

Final words

Every morning when I drink my black coffee, I'm reminded that what we focus on expands. I choose to focus on the ritual, the mindfulness, the moment of peace before the day begins. Not on wishing it was sweeter or different.

Your life works the same way. Whatever you're giving your attention to, whether it's what you want or what you don't want, you're essentially placing an order.

The question is: are you ordering the black coffee of your complaints and fears? Or are you finally ready to ask for the latte you actually want?

The universe is listening. The barista is waiting. What's it going to be?