If these 7 compliments make you deeply uncomfortable, you weren't given permission to believe good things about yourself

Have you ever noticed how certain compliments make you squirm? Not the awkward ones about your appearance from that one uncle at Thanksgiving, but the genuine, heartfelt ones that should make you feel good?

A few months ago, a reader emailed me saying my writing had helped her through a difficult divorce. My immediate reaction wasn't gratitude or pride.

Instead, I felt this overwhelming urge to deflect, to explain that I was just sharing thoughts, nothing special. That discomfort sat with me for days.

Growing up, I was labeled "gifted" in elementary school. You'd think that would build confidence, right? Wrong. It created this suffocating pressure to be perfect, to never disappoint.

Every achievement needed to be bigger than the last. Every compliment felt like a trap, a new standard I'd have to maintain forever.

If certain compliments make you deeply uncomfortable, chances are you were never given permission to believe good things about yourself. And that permission? It's something you need to give yourself.

1) "You're really talented at what you do"

When someone tells you this, do you immediately think they're just being nice? Or worse, that they'll figure out you're actually not that talented once they get to know you better?

I spent my first two years as a writer convinced everyone would eventually discover I was a fraud. Every positive comment felt temporary, like borrowed time before the inevitable exposure. Classic imposter syndrome, and wow, did it run deep.

The truth is, talent isn't something you accidentally stumble into. It's developed through practice, dedication, and showing up even when you don't feel talented. If this compliment makes you uncomfortable, you might be dismissing years of hard work and growth.

Try this: Next time someone acknowledges your talent, pause before deflecting. Take a breath and simply say "thank you." Notice how foreign it feels. That discomfort is your old programming resisting the update.

2) "You handled that situation really well"

This one used to make my skin crawl. Someone would praise how I managed a crisis or navigated a difficult conversation, and I'd immediately minimize it. "Anyone would have done the same thing," I'd say, even though deep down I knew that wasn't true.

Why does acknowledging our competence feel so wrong? For many of us, it goes back to childhood. We learned that being "too confident" was dangerous. Maybe you got shut down for celebrating your wins, or watched a sibling get criticized for "showing off."

I recently finished reading Rudá Iandê's new book "Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life," and one insight hit me hard.

He writes, "When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that's delightfully real."

The book inspired me to see that handling situations well doesn't mean being perfect. It means showing up authentically, even when things get messy.

3) "You look great today"

Physical compliments can trigger a special kind of panic. Your brain starts racing: What's different today? Are they saying I usually don't look great? Is this appropriate? Should I compliment them back?

Here's what I've learned: This discomfort often comes from being taught that accepting compliments about your appearance is vain or shallow. Maybe you were told not to "get a big head" or that "beauty is only skin deep."

But accepting that you look good isn't vanity. It's acknowledging that you're taking care of yourself, that you deserve to feel confident in your own skin. You're allowed to feel good about how you present yourself to the world.

4) "You're such a good friend/partner/parent"

Relationship compliments hit different because they touch on our deepest fears about being loveable. When someone acknowledges your role in their life, it can trigger that voice saying, "If they really knew me..."

For years, I struggled with people-pleasing tendencies that stemmed directly from that "gifted child" label. I thought I had to earn love through achievement and being useful to others. When someone appreciated me just for being me, not for what I could do for them, it felt unearned.

But relationships aren't transactions. You don't have to constantly prove your worth to deserve love and appreciation. Sometimes you're a good friend simply because you exist in someone's life authentically.

5) "You're really smart"

Intelligence compliments can be particularly triggering if you grew up with academic pressure. Every "you're so smart" feels like an expectation to maintain, a standard to never fall below.

I discovered that my need for control stemmed from childhood anxiety about my parents' approval. Being "smart" meant being in control, having the answers, never making mistakes. But real intelligence includes knowing when you don't know something, asking for help, and learning from failures.

When someone calls you smart, they're not creating a contract for future performance. They're acknowledging your current thinking, problem-solving, or insights. You're allowed to be smart today and confused tomorrow. Intelligence isn't a fixed state.

6) "You inspire me"

This compliment can feel like the weight of the world suddenly landed on your shoulders. Now you're responsible for someone's inspiration? What if you let them down? What if they see you on a bad day?

But here's the thing: Inspiration isn't about being perfect. People are inspired by authenticity, by watching someone navigate real challenges with grace (or sometimes without grace, just with honesty).

You don't have to maintain some inspirational facade. The very struggles that make you feel unworthy of this compliment are probably what inspired them in the first place.

7) "You deserve good things"

This might be the most uncomfortable compliment of all because it challenges our fundamental beliefs about worthiness.

If you grew up believing you had to earn everything, that nothing comes free, that you're only as good as your last achievement, then someone telling you that you inherently deserve goodness feels wrong.

My achievement addiction meant that external validation was never enough. There was always another goal, another milestone that would finally make me "deserving." But that moment never came because the problem wasn't my achievements. It was my belief system.

Final thoughts

If these compliments make you uncomfortable, you're not broken. You're carrying old programming that served a purpose once but doesn't anymore. Maybe it protected you from disappointment, kept you striving, or helped you fit into a family system that couldn't handle your full brightness.

The permission to believe good things about yourself isn't going to come from outside. No amount of compliments will override that internal resistance until you decide you're allowed to receive them.

Start small. Pick one compliment from this list that makes you the least uncomfortable. Next time you receive it, just say thank you. Sit with the discomfort. Notice it without trying to fix it or push it away.

You're not obligated to minimize yourself to make others comfortable. You're not required to deflect praise to seem humble. You're allowed to be talented, competent, attractive, smart, loveable, inspiring, and deserving of good things. All at the same time. Even on your bad days.

The world needs people who can receive compliments gracefully because it gives others permission to do the same. When you accept good things about yourself, you create space for everyone around you to do the same.

And that reader who said I helped her through her divorce? I wrote back and said thank you. Just thank you. It was uncomfortable, it was scary, and it was exactly what I needed to do.