8 things the most exhausting people in your life do without realizing it that make you dread seeing their name pop up

We've all got that one person in our lives whose name on our phone screen makes us pause before answering.

You know the one I'm talking about. The conversation that somehow leaves you feeling completely drained, even if it was just a quick chat about weekend plans.

What's fascinating is that these energy vampires rarely realize what they're doing. They're not bad people. In fact, they often care deeply about their relationships. But somewhere along the way, they picked up habits that turn every interaction into an emotional marathon.

After years of observing these patterns in my own relationships and filling notebook after notebook with observations about human behavior (I'm on number 47 now), I've identified the most common exhausting behaviors that push people away.

If you recognize someone in these descriptions, or maybe even yourself, know that awareness is the first step toward healthier connections.

1) They turn every conversation into a competition

You mention you had a tough day at work, and suddenly they're telling you about their absolutely horrific week that makes your problems seem trivial. You share good news about a promotion, and they immediately pivot to their own career achievements.

I had to end a friendship with someone who did this constantly. Every conversation felt like a tennis match where I could never just put down my racket and rest. When I got excited about finally mastering sourdough bread during lockdown, she had to tell me about her three-tier wedding cake she baked from scratch. When I mentioned feeling overwhelmed juggling work deadlines, she launched into how she manages twice as many projects.

The exhausting part? You can never just share. You can never just be heard. Everything becomes a contest you didn't sign up for, and somehow you always end up feeling like you've lost.

2) They dump their problems without checking in first

These folks call or text and immediately launch into their crisis of the day without asking if you have the mental space for it. No "Hey, do you have a minute?" or "Is this a good time?" Just an avalanche of problems crushing you under their weight.

Sometimes I'll be in the middle of my own challenging day, maybe dealing with a work deadline or just trying to decompress after a long run, and suddenly I'm expected to be someone's therapist. The assumption that I'm always available for emotional labor is what makes this behavior so draining.

Healthy relationships involve give and take. When someone consistently takes without considering your capacity to give, every interaction starts to feel like work.

3) They dismiss or one-up your feelings

Express any emotion around these people, and they'll find a way to minimize it or make it about them. Feeling stressed? Well, you should try having their schedule. Feeling happy? That's nothing compared to what happened to them last week.

What makes this particularly exhausting is that it shuts down any genuine emotional connection. You learn to stop sharing because what's the point? Your feelings will either be invalidated or used as a launching pad for their own stories.

I've learned that people who do this often grew up in environments where emotions were competitive too. But understanding why doesn't make it less tiring when you just need someone to say, "That sounds really hard" or "I'm happy for you."

4) They need constant reassurance about the same issues

We all have insecurities, but some people treat their friends like a 24/7 validation hotline. They ask the same questions over and over, seeking reassurance about things you've already addressed multiple times.

"Do you think I made the right decision?" they'll ask for the fifteenth time about something that happened months ago. Or they'll fish for compliments with self-deprecating comments, forcing you into the role of constant cheerleader.

The exhausting part is that no amount of reassurance is ever enough. You could spend hours building them up, and tomorrow they'll need the exact same conversation again. It feels like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

5) They create drama where none exists

Some people have a talent for turning mundane situations into emotional hurricanes. A simple miscommunication becomes a betrayal. A scheduling conflict becomes a personal attack. Every small inconvenience is a crisis requiring immediate emotional support.

These are the people who call you panicking because someone didn't respond to their text within an hour, convinced it means the friendship is over. Or they read hidden meanings into innocent comments, creating conflicts that require hours to untangle.

Living in a constant state of manufactured crisis is exhausting for them, but it's equally draining for everyone in their orbit who gets pulled into these imaginary emergencies.

6) They never remember what you've told them

You've mentioned your big presentation three times, but when you bring it up again, they look blank. You've explained your dietary restrictions at every meal together, yet they still suggest restaurants where you can't eat anything. They ask about things you've already updated them on, making it clear they weren't really listening.

This behavior is exhausting because it sends a clear message: what's happening in your life isn't important enough to remember. Every conversation feels like starting from scratch, and you wonder why you bother sharing anything meaningful at all.

Good relationships require attention and care. When someone consistently fails to remember basic information about your life, it shows a lack of investment that makes every interaction feel hollow.

7) They're always the victim

Nothing is ever their fault. Every story they tell casts them as the innocent party wronged by the world. Their boss is always unreasonable, their friends always let them down, their family never understands them.

What's exhausting about perpetual victims is that they never take responsibility for their role in situations. This means nothing ever changes. You'll hear the same complaints about the same problems year after year because acknowledging their part would mean they'd have to do something about it.

I learned from a conversation with a stranger at a farmers' market that community requires accountability. She told me about her gardening co-op where everyone owns their mistakes because that's how the garden grows. People who can't do this in relationships leave everyone else carrying the weight of their unwillingness to change.

8) They problem-solve when you need empathy

Sometimes you just need to vent. You need someone to listen, to acknowledge that things are tough, to sit with you in your feelings. But these people immediately jump into fix-it mode, offering solutions you didn't ask for to problems you might not even want solved yet.

I used to be this person until I learned to be the friend who listens instead of the friend who problem-solves everything. The shift came when I realized how frustrated I felt when people did this to me. Sometimes we know what we need to do. We just need space to feel our feelings first.

The exhausting part about unsolicited problem-solvers is that they make you feel unheard. Instead of feeling supported, you feel like a project that needs fixing.

Final thoughts

If you recognized someone in these descriptions, you're probably feeling validated right now. That exhaustion you feel after talking to them? It's real, and it's not because you're being too sensitive or expecting too much.

But here's what I've learned after years of navigating these relationships: most exhausting people aren't trying to be difficult. They're often struggling with their own insecurities, past traumas, or simply never learned healthier ways to connect.

This doesn't mean you have to accept behavior that drains you. Setting boundaries is an act of love for both yourself and them. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be honest about how their behavior affects you. And sometimes, the healthiest choice is to limit your exposure to people who consistently leave you depleted.

Remember, you're not responsible for managing other people's emotions or fixing their problems. You're allowed to protect your energy. You're allowed to choose relationships that energize rather than exhaust you. That's not selfish. That's necessary.