Reclaiming joy starts with unlearning this one belief

It’s surprising how much weight a single belief can carry.

Some beliefs push us forward, fuel our drive, help us connect. Others quietly strip away our energy, our sense of ease, our joy—without us even realizing it.

Over the years, I’ve found that one belief in particular keeps showing up in conversations, journal entries, therapy rooms, and self-help circles. It’s subtle, socially accepted, and even encouraged. But it’s also quietly destructive.

It’s this: “I have to earn joy.”

Sound familiar?

Let’s unpack that.

The myth of earned joy

How many times have you told yourself, “I’ll relax when I finish this project,” or “I’ll take that trip after I hit this goal,” or even “I don’t deserve to feel good right now”?

I used to think this was just discipline. Hustle culture. High standards. But when I left my corporate job and started doing deeper work—both on myself and with others—I realized it was something else entirely.

It was the belief that joy is a reward for productivity, compliance, or suffering. That happiness has to be “deserved.” That rest is something you schedule after the struggle. Never before.

This mindset is so normalized that we barely question it. But the longer we subscribe to it, the more disconnected we become from what actually nourishes us.

And the truth is, joy isn’t a transaction. It’s not something we purchase with effort or pain. It’s something we can access in this moment, as we are.

No gold star required.

Joy is not a luxury—it’s fuel

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. She was completely burned out, doing all the “right” things—working hard, showing up for her kids, volunteering, planning for the future. But she couldn’t remember the last time she laughed. Or danced. Or said yes to something just because it made her happy.

Her exact words were: “I feel like I’ve been living to maintain, not to enjoy.”

That hit hard.

What if joy isn’t just something nice to have once we’ve completed all our tasks? What if it’s the thing that actually keeps us going?

According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, a leading researcher on positive emotions at the University of North Carolina, positive emotions broaden our awareness and build our resourcefulness.

In other words, joy doesn’t just feel good—it actually makes us more resilient, creative, and connected.

If you’ve ever gone on a spontaneous walk, danced in your kitchen, or let yourself laugh so hard you cried, you know the feeling. It’s like your brain gets a reboot. You return to your responsibilities lighter. Sharper. More present.

So why do we keep treating joy like a dessert we can only eat after finishing our vegetables?

Because somewhere along the line, we learned to tie our worth to output.

Where this belief starts—and how to spot it

If you grew up in a culture that praised hard work, self-sacrifice, or staying humble, you probably picked up this belief early on. Maybe you were rewarded more for achieving than for simply being. Maybe joy was labeled frivolous, irresponsible, or indulgent.

Over time, this shows up in sneaky ways.

You feel guilty for resting.
You downplay your wins.
You only let yourself celebrate after you've “done enough.”
You feel uneasy when life feels too easy.
You delay happiness until some future point that keeps moving.

I’ve caught myself doing this on small scales, like not letting myself sit down with a cup of tea until I’ve cleaned the whole kitchen. Or skipping a walk in the sun because I “should be doing something useful.” It’s astonishing how often we override our joy impulses with a checklist.

The worst part? This belief rarely motivates us in the long run. It just drains us, leaving us perpetually tired, mildly resentful, and oddly disconnected from our own lives.

And that’s where unlearning begins.

Let joy lead, not follow

So how do we unlearn it?

First, we have to start treating joy not as an afterthought, but as an anchor.

Not earned—invited.

This doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility or pretending life is easy. It means making space for what lifts us, even if it seems small or irrational.

I’ve started asking myself one question every morning: What would feel joyful today—even for five minutes?

Sometimes it’s calling a friend. Sometimes it’s repotting a plant or blasting music while I work. Sometimes it’s just leaving my phone in another room and sitting outside.

At first, I had to actively give myself permission. Joy felt rebellious. Undeserved. But the more I allowed it, the more natural it became.

And it’s had a ripple effect. I’m more patient with others. I get through hard days with a little more grace. My creativity is stronger. Even the tougher emotions don’t stick around as long, because I’ve built a cushion of something lighter.

A book that really helped me embrace this shift is Laughing in the Face of Chaos by shaman Rudá Iandê. It’s one of the most politically incorrect, refreshing things I’ve read in a while. He talks about navigating turbulent times not with fear or forced positivity—but with grounded irreverence, humor, and clarity.

His take? Sometimes the most radical thing we can do is not to push harder, but to laugh. To feel. To refuse to let the chaos dictate our joy.

It’s a reminder I return to often.

Final thoughts

You don’t have to earn joy.

You’re allowed to experience beauty, pleasure, rest, and delight—even if you didn’t finish the to-do list. Even if someone else is struggling. Even if the world feels messy.

Joy isn’t a reward—it’s a right.

And maybe, just maybe, reclaiming it starts with unlearning the belief that told you otherwise.