I don’t mind simple—but I won’t date stingy. Here’s what it really means when a man won’t spend on you

Last month, my friend Emma texted me a screenshot of a Venmo request. Her boyfriend of eight months had just asked her to split their $12 coffee date—down to the penny.

Not the $150 dinner. Not the weekend getaway. The two lattes they grabbed on a Tuesday morning.

"He makes six figures," she typed. "I don't get it."

I did.

Here's the thing about stinginess: it's never really about the money. When someone consistently refuses to spend on you—whether it's $12 or $120—they're showing you exactly how much they're willing to invest in your relationship.

And that investment mindset? It extends far beyond their wallet.

I've been tracking patterns in relationships for years now (occupational hazard of being a former financial analyst), and the data is pretty clear.

The guy who splits every coffee tab is usually the same guy who won't give you his weekend, won't compromise on plans, and definitely won't go out of his way to make you feel special.

It's all connected.

Let me be crystal clear about something first: I'm not talking about genuine financial constraints. If someone is legitimately tight on money and upfront about it, that's a completely different conversation.

I'm talking about the guy who has the means but consistently chooses not to spend them on you, while somehow finding money for his hobbies, his friends, or his own wants.

The difference between simple and stingy became obvious to me during my own dating years.

I once dated a teacher who made a fraction of what I earned, but he'd still insist on picking up coffee, would plan thoughtful (free) picnics, and always made sure I felt prioritized.

Then there was the investment banker who'd calculate tips to the exact percentage and suggest we "go dutch" on our third date at a place he chose.

Guess which relationship felt more generous?

Stinginess is a mindset, not a bank balance. And that mindset shows up everywhere.

Think about it like this: your relationship is essentially a joint investment portfolio. When someone consistently refuses to put resources into that portfolio—time, effort, money, attention—they're telling you they don't believe in its long-term value.

They're not betting on your future together.

I learned this the hard way with Marcus, a guy I dated for six months who made excellent money in tech.

He'd suggest expensive restaurants, then look genuinely surprised when the check came and somehow always forgot his wallet. He'd talk about weekend trips but never book anything.

When my birthday rolled around, he got me a $15 candle from CVS—not because he was broke, but because he didn't think I was worth more than that level of effort.

The kicker? This same guy would drop hundreds on craft beer for himself, upgrade his gaming setup regularly, and never think twice about expensive dinners with his college buddies.

The money was there. The willingness to spend it on me wasn't.

What really clicked for me was realizing that his financial stinginess was just the most visible symptom of his emotional stinginess. He was stingy with compliments, stingy with his time, stingy with vulnerability.

He hoarded everything—money, attention, emotional availability—like he was preparing for some kind of relationship recession.

This isn't about wanting expensive things or being materialistic. It's about recognizing what generosity actually means.

Generosity is about abundance mindset versus scarcity mindset.

Someone with an abundance mindset believes there's enough good stuff to go around—enough money, love, time, attention.

Someone with scarcity mindset hoards everything because they're convinced sharing means having less for themselves.

In relationships, scarcity mindset is toxic. It creates a dynamic where every interaction becomes transactional.

Where love gets rationed. Where someone keeps score of every coffee, every favor, every gesture like they're running a balance sheet instead of building intimacy.

I remember calculating once (because, hello, former analyst) and realizing that Marcus spent more on his monthly craft beer subscription than he'd spent on me in two months of dating.

That wasn't about his budget. That was about his priorities.

The money thing is just the easiest to track and measure. But if you pay attention, you'll notice the pattern extends everywhere.

The guy who won't buy you a drink probably also won't prioritize your needs during an argument.

The guy who calculates every shared expense probably also keeps score of emotional labor.

The guy who suggests you split everything 50/50 regardless of context probably also expects you to manage 100% of the relationship's emotional maintenance.

I started noticing this pattern with friends too. The women dating generous men—not necessarily wealthy men, but generous men—had partners who were generous across the board.

These guys would drive across town for their girlfriends, remember important conversations, plan surprises, offer help without being asked.

The generosity mindset showed up in every area.

Meanwhile, the women dating stingy men dealt with partners who were stingy with everything. Stingy with praise, stingy with effort, stingy with making them feel special.

One friend's boyfriend would literally time their phone calls because he thought she talked too much.

Another had a guy who'd only come to events that were convenient for him.

Here's what I wish I'd understood earlier: when someone shows you stingy behavior early on, they're giving you valuable information about who they are and how they operate in relationships. They're showing you their default setting.

And unless something major shifts in their mindset (which is rare), this is what you can expect long-term.

The coffee tab might seem small, but it represents something much bigger.

It represents whether this person sees investing in you—financially, emotionally, practically—as something that adds value to their life or something that depletes their resources.

I know this might sound harsh, but I'd rather date someone who's genuinely broke but finds creative ways to show generosity than someone who has money but consistently chooses not to spend it on building our connection.

Because generosity of spirit matters more than the size of someone's paycheck.

Now, I can practically hear the pushback: "But what about equality? What about not being a gold digger? What about independence?"

Here's the thing—this isn't about wanting someone to bankroll your life. This is about wanting someone who's excited to invest in your relationship.

Someone who sees spending on you as an opportunity, not an obligation. Someone who operates from abundance, not scarcity.

And honestly? Truly generous people don't keep score.

They don't calculate whether things are exactly even because they trust that in good relationships, things balance out naturally over time.

They focus on making sure their partner feels valued rather than making sure they never spend more than they receive.

The stinginess test isn't really about money at all. It's about mindset. It's about whether someone approaches your relationship like they're trying to minimize losses or maximize gains.

And in my experience, the people focused on minimizing losses rarely create relationships worth having.

Final words

Pay attention to the early signals. If someone consistently finds ways to avoid spending on you while having money for everything else they value, they're telling you something important about where you rank in their priorities.

The right person won't make you feel guilty for costing them something. They'll make you feel worth investing in.

And that mindset—that abundance, that generosity of spirit—will show up in every area of how they love you.

Simple is fine. Thoughtful is fine. Stingy, though? That's a pattern you can't afford to ignore.