People who constantly need reassurance often went through these 7 things as children

You know that friend who texts you three times in a row asking if you're mad at them? Or the colleague who needs constant validation that their work is good enough?

Maybe it's even you — checking in repeatedly to make sure everything's okay, seeking that extra bit of reassurance just to feel secure.

I've been there. That knot in your stomach when someone doesn't respond right away. The overwhelming need to hear "you did great" after every small task.

The constant questioning: Am I enough? Do they still care? Did I mess up?

These patterns don't just appear out of nowhere. They're often rooted deep in our childhood experiences—tiny moments and big events that shaped how we see ourselves and our place in the world.

If you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, you might recognize some of these childhood experiences. They're more common than you think, and understanding them can be the first step toward healing.

1. Inconsistent emotional availability from caregivers

Remember coming home from school, never quite knowing which version of your parent you'd encounter?

Some days they'd be warm and attentive, asking about your day and helping with homework. Other days, they'd be distant, preoccupied, or emotionally checked out.

This emotional roller coaster teaches kids that love and attention aren't guaranteed. You learn to constantly scan for signs—is today a good day? Are they in a mood where I can share what happened at recess?

As noted by research on attachment, kids with secure early attachment show better emotional and social adjustment than those without. When that security is unpredictable, we develop an anxious attachment style that follows us into adulthood.

Now we find ourselves asking partners "are we okay?" after every minor disagreement.

We need colleagues to confirm our work is acceptable. That childhood uncertainty created a template where reassurance feels necessary just to feel safe.

2. Experiencing harsh criticism or punishment

Were mistakes in your house met with understanding or with harsh words that still echo in your mind? Maybe you spilled juice and got screamed at for being "careless." Or brought home a B+ and heard "why wasn't it an A?"

When children face disproportionate criticism or punishment for normal childhood mistakes, they internalize a harsh inner critic. Every small error becomes catastrophic in their minds.

Research shows that positive reinforcement shapes behavior far more effectively than punishment; heavy punishment breeds insecurity.

Kids who grow up walking on eggshells, terrified of making mistakes, often become adults who need constant reassurance that they haven't messed up.

I see this in friends who apologize profusely for being five minutes late or who need repeated confirmation that their minor work error didn't ruin everything.

That childhood fear of harsh consequences created an adult who can't trust their own judgment about what's actually a big deal.

3. Having parents who were anxious or worried themselves

Did your mom constantly fret about whether the doors were locked? Did your dad obsessively check weather reports before any family outing?

Growing up with anxious parents means absorbing their worry like a sponge.

Children are master observers. When they see their parents constantly seeking reassurance or catastrophizing everyday situations, they learn this is how the world works.

If the adults who are supposed to have it all figured out are always worried, then clearly there must be danger everywhere.

You might have memories of your parent calling relatives multiple times to "just check in" or asking you repeatedly if you were sure you turned off the stove. These behaviors model that the world isn't safe unless you're constantly verifying, checking, and seeking confirmation.

Now as adults, we mirror those same patterns. We text friends to make sure our joke didn't offend. We ask our boss three times if the presentation was really okay. That childhood blueprint of anxiety became our operating system.

4. Not having their emotional needs validated

"Stop crying, it's not that bad."
"You're being too sensitive."
"Big boys don't get scared."

Sound familiar?

When children's emotions are consistently dismissed or minimized, they learn not to trust their own feelings. If every time you felt sad, scared, or hurt, someone told you those feelings were wrong or excessive, you'd start doubting your entire internal compass.

This creates adults who constantly need external validation because they never learned to trust their own emotional responses.

You might find yourself asking friends, "Am I overreacting?" after every conflict or needing your partner to confirm that your feelings are justified.

I had a friend who would literally poll multiple people after any emotional situation—"Was I right to be upset?"—because she'd been told her whole childhood that her feelings were "too much."

When you grow up being gaslit about your own emotions, you need others to tell you what's real.

5. Living in an unpredictable or chaotic household

Maybe it was financial instability — one month there was plenty, the next you were eating cereal for dinner. Or perhaps it was the revolving door of mom's boyfriends, each bringing new rules and dynamics.

Some kids lived with the chaos of addiction, never knowing if they'd come home to a party or a passed-out parent.

When children can't predict what comes next, they become hypervigilant. They develop an intense need to control their environment through constant checking and confirming.

If you couldn't count on dinner being on the table or your bedroom being yours alone, you learned to seek reassurance wherever you could find it.

This unpredictability creates adults who need constant confirmation that things are stable. We text partners throughout the day for updates.

We need repeated assurance that our job is secure, our relationships are solid, our plans won't fall through. That childhood chaos taught us that nothing is certain unless we're constantly verifying it.

6. Being overscheduled with no time to just be

Piano lessons, soccer practice, tutoring, dance class, chess club—some childhoods were a blur of activities designed to create the "perfect" child. Every moment scheduled, every achievement tracked, every free minute seen as wasted potential.

Overscheduling children with excessive enrichment activities raises their stress and anxiety levels, as seen in studies. When kids don't have downtime to process emotions, play freely, or simply exist without performing, they never learn to be comfortable with themselves.

These children grow into adults who need constant external validation because they never developed an internal sense of worth separate from achievements. They need reassurance, not just that they're doing well, but that they're doing enough.

I recently read Rudá Iandê's book "Laughing in the Face of Chaos," and his insight struck me: "What if we could learn to embrace the discomfort of not knowing?" Those of us who were overscheduled never learned this skill.

We need reassurance because uncertainty feels like failure, like we're wasting time we should be using productively.

7. Being compared to siblings or peers

"Why can't you be more like your sister?" "Look how well Jamie's doing in math." These comparisons might have seemed harmless to parents trying to motivate, but they planted seeds of never feeling good enough.

When your worth is constantly measured against others, you lose touch with your own internal metrics for success. You learn that being yourself isn't sufficient — you need external confirmation that you're measuring up.

Research confirms that kids with strong grandparent involvement show fewer emotional and behavioral problems . Often, grandparents provide that unconditional acceptance that comparative parents don't.

They see you as wonderful just for being you, not in relation to anyone else.

Without that unconditional acceptance, we become adults who constantly ask, "How did I do compared to others?" We need reassurance not just that we're okay, but that we're okay relative to everyone else. The measuring stick our parents used became permanently installed in our minds.

Final thoughts

If you recognized yourself in these experiences, take a deep breath.

You're not broken, and you're definitely not alone.

Of course, you seek validation when your childhood taught you that love was conditional, emotions were dangerous, or being yourself wasn't enough.

The beautiful thing?

These patterns aren't permanent. That anxious voice asking "are you sure I'm okay?" can quiet down over time. It takes patience, self-compassion, and sometimes professional support, but it's possible to develop that internal sense of security you've been seeking from others.

Start small. Next time you catch yourself seeking reassurance, pause. Ask yourself: What am I really looking for here? What would happen if I trusted my own judgment just this once?

As Rudá Iandê writes in his book, "Most of us don't even know who we truly are. We wear masks so often, mold ourselves so thoroughly to fit societal expectations, that our real selves become a distant memory."

Maybe it's time to meet that real self—the one who knows they're enough, without anyone else having to confirm it.