When I left my finance career to pursue writing, my phone stopped ringing and the lunch invitations vanished—but what remained taught me why some relationships energize us while others slowly poison our potential.
Ever notice how some people leave you feeling energized while others drain you completely?
I discovered this truth the hard way after leaving my finance career. When I switched from analyzing spreadsheets to analyzing human behavior through writing, something unexpected happened. My phone stopped ringing. The happy hour invitations dried up. Those lunch dates with former colleagues? They mysteriously disappeared.
At first, it stung. These were people I'd spent years working alongside, sharing office birthday cakes and deadline stress. But as the dust settled, I realized something powerful: many of those relationships had been built on convenience, not connection.
The people who truly cared about me, not just my job title or what I could do for them professionally, they stuck around. And those few genuine souls became the foundation for understanding what Oprah meant when she said we should surround ourselves with people who lift us higher.
This quote isn't just feel-good advice. It's a blueprint for creating a life where your relationships fuel your growth rather than hold you back.
The hidden cost of toxic relationships
You know that friend who always has drama? The one who calls you at midnight with the latest crisis but somehow never asks how you're doing? Or that family member who dismisses your dreams as unrealistic?
These relationships cost us more than we realize. They siphon our emotional energy, cloud our judgment, and worst of all, they can make us doubt our own worth.
I spent years maintaining a friendship with someone who turned everything into a competition. Got a promotion? She'd one-up me with her bonus. Ran a 10K? She was training for a marathon. Started writing? She suddenly had a book deal in the works (spoiler: she didn't). Every interaction left me feeling smaller, like my achievements weren't enough.
Research backs this up too. Studies show that bad relationships can increase stress hormones, and even weaken our immune systems. We can literally make ourselves sick trying to maintain connections with people who don't serve our highest good.
But here's what nobody tells you: recognizing these relationships is only half the battle. The real challenge is having the courage to do something about it.
Why we hold onto people who hold us back
If toxic relationships are so harmful, why do we cling to them?
Fear plays a huge role. Fear of being alone. Fear of confrontation. Fear that maybe we're the problem. I kept that competitive friend in my life for three extra years because I worried that ending the friendship would make me seem petty or jealous.
There's also the sunk cost fallacy at play. We think about all the years we've invested, all the memories we've created, and it feels wasteful to walk away. Like somehow we're throwing away all that history.
Plus, let's be honest, change is uncomfortable. Even when a relationship isn't serving us, at least it's familiar. We know what to expect. The devil you know, right?
But comfort and growth rarely coexist. When we choose to stay in relationships that diminish us, we're choosing stagnation over evolution. We're telling ourselves that our peace of mind, our dreams, our wellbeing, they all matter less than avoiding temporary discomfort.
Recognizing your lifters
So what does a person who lifts you higher actually look like?
They celebrate your wins without making it about them. When you share good news, their first response is genuine excitement, not a redirect to their own accomplishments.
They challenge you constructively. My best friendships today are with people who aren't afraid to call me on my blind spots. But they do it with love, not judgment. They ask questions that make me think deeper, push me to consider different perspectives, and encourage me to reach beyond what feels safe.
When I joined a women's writing group after my career transition, I found exactly this kind of support. These women became both professional allies and personal champions. We critique each other's work honestly but kindly. We share opportunities without keeping score. When one of us succeeds, we all feel lifted.
Notice the pattern? People who lift you higher make you feel more like yourself, not less. After spending time with them, you feel energized, inspired, capable. You leave the conversation thinking about possibilities, not problems.
Creating space for better connections
Here's a truth that took me years to learn: you can't add quality people to your life if there's no room for them.
Think of your social energy like a garden. If it's overrun with weeds, there's no space for flowers to bloom. Every toxic relationship you maintain is taking up precious real estate that could be occupied by someone who actually supports your growth.
This doesn't mean you need to dramatically cut people off (though sometimes that's necessary). Start by creating boundaries. Limit your exposure to energy vampires. Stop automatically saying yes to every invitation from people who leave you feeling depleted.
I started small. Instead of weekly lunches with that competitive friend, I scaled back to monthly coffee dates. Then quarterly. Eventually, the friendship naturally faded without any dramatic confrontation. That freed up time and emotional bandwidth to invest in relationships that actually nourished me.
The art of authentic connection
Looking back, I realize I'd been performing friendships rather than experiencing them. I was so focused on being likeable, on maintaining connections, on avoiding conflict, that I forgot to ask myself a crucial question: Do these relationships reflect who I really am?
Authentic connections happen when we show up as ourselves, not as who we think others want us to be. This means being vulnerable about our struggles, honest about our boundaries, and clear about our values.
The people who are meant to lift you higher will appreciate this authenticity. They won't need you to dim your light so they can shine brighter. They won't feel threatened by your growth or success. Instead, they'll be inspired by it, just as their journey inspires you.
Building your support ecosystem
Creating a network of people who lift you higher isn't about collecting as many positive people as possible. Quality trumps quantity every time.
Start by identifying the different types of support you need. Maybe you need a mentor for professional guidance, a workout buddy for accountability, a creative collaborator for inspiration, or simply a friend who makes you laugh when life gets heavy.
Look for people who embody the qualities you're trying to develop. Want to be more disciplined? Spend time with someone who has incredible focus. Trying to be more compassionate? Seek out those who lead with kindness.
But remember, relationships are reciprocal. As you seek people who lift you higher, ask yourself: Am I lifting others? Am I bringing positive energy to my relationships? Am I celebrating others' successes genuinely?
Final thoughts
I don't think Oprah's quote isn't suggesting we live in a bubble of perpetual positivity. Life is complex, and sometimes we need to navigate difficult relationships with family members, coworkers, or others we can't simply remove from our lives.
The key is being intentional about where we invest our emotional energy. Who gets your prime time? Who do you turn to for advice? Who do you allow to influence your decisions and shape your self-perception?
Since embracing this philosophy, my circle has gotten smaller but infinitely more powerful. The people in my life now don't just support my dreams; they expand them. They don't just accept who I am; they inspire who I'm becoming.
You deserve relationships that energize rather than exhaust you. You deserve people who see your potential even when you can't. You deserve to be lifted higher.
So take a moment to audit your relationships. Who consistently leaves you feeling better about yourself and your possibilities? Those are your lifters. Cherish them. Invest in them. And if you're struggling to identify anyone who fits this description, that's your sign to start making some changes.
Your future self will thank you for it.
