Discover the surprising habits that quietly sabotage most marriages—and how couples who thrive after 40 years manage to avoid them all.
Ever wondered what separates couples who make it to their golden anniversary from those who don't?
After transitioning from finance to writing about relationships, I've become fascinated by what makes some marriages thrive for decades while others crumble. The truth? Couples who celebrate 40+ years together don't just get lucky—they actively avoid certain toxic patterns that poison even the strongest bonds.
Let me share what I've learned about the relationship killers that long-lasting couples steer clear of.
1. They don't show contempt toward each other
You know that couple at dinner who rolls their eyes at each other's stories? The ones who mock their partner's interests or respond with cutting sarcasm?
They probably won't make it to 40 years.
"Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, or mocking your partner – all signs of contempt – erode a relationship. Couples who eliminate contemptuous communication and treat each other with respect stand a much better chance" notes Dr. John Gottman.
When my husband challenges my writing ideas, sometimes my first instinct is to get defensive. But I've learned that responding with respect, even when I disagree, makes all the difference. His perspective often makes my work stronger—something I'd miss if I responded with contempt instead of curiosity.
2. They avoid stonewalling
We've all been there—an argument gets so heated that one person just shuts down completely. Arms crossed, silent treatment, maybe even leaving the room.
This is stonewalling, and it's relationship poison.
I need alone time to process things—always have. But I've learned to tell my husband "I need 20 minutes to think" instead of just disappearing.
The difference? He doesn't take it personally, and we actually resolve things.
3. They don't ignore each other's emotional 'bids'
As Dr. John Gottman has observed, partners in thriving relationships acknowledge and respond to each other's attempts to connect roughly 86% of the time, while those in struggling relationships only do so about 33% of the time.
By consistently engaging with your partner's bids for connection—even during ordinary, everyday moments—you strengthen the foundation of trust and closeness in your relationship.
What's a bid? It's when your partner says "Look at that sunset" or "Guess what happened at work today." These seem small, but they're actually attempts to connect.
Couples who last turn toward each other, not away.
4. They don't keep score
Remember when you were kids and kept track of every favor, every chore, every perceived slight? Some couples never outgrow this.
But marriages that last four decades? They operate on generosity, not scorekeeping.
When I made my career transition five years ago, my husband picked up extra household responsibilities without keeping a tally. Now when he needs support, I don't think "Well, you owe me three dinners and a weekend of laundry." We just show up for each other.
5. They don't resist their partner's influence
Want to know something I learned the hard way? Successful marriage meant accepting influence from my partner.
This doesn't mean being a pushover. It means genuinely considering your partner's opinions and letting them shape your decisions.
I used to make all my financial decisions solo—old habits from my analyst days. But combining finances with someone who had a different money mindset taught me that two perspectives create better outcomes than my expertise alone.
6. They don't criticize character
There's a world of difference between "You didn't take out the trash" and "You're so lazy."
One addresses a specific action. The other attacks who someone is.
Couples who make it to 40 years learned this distinction early. They complain about specific behaviors without making it a character assassination. "I feel frustrated when the dishes pile up" beats "You're such a slob" every single time.
7. They don't expect mind reading
How many arguments start with "You should have known..."?
Too many.
Long-lasting couples don't play the mind-reading game. They state their needs clearly, without expecting their partner to magically intuit what they want.
Learning to share household decision-making meant I had to actually voice my preferences instead of expecting my husband to guess. Revolutionary concept, right? But it works.
8. They don't let passion completely die
Now, I'm not saying couples married 40 years are swinging from chandeliers every night. But they don't let physical intimacy become extinct either.
This isn't just about sex. It's about maintaining physical connection—holding hands, hugging, sitting close on the couch. These couples understand that passion might ebb and flow, but letting it die completely creates roommates, not spouses.
They make effort, even when life gets busy. Even when the kids are demanding. Even when work is stressful.
Final thoughts
Here's what strikes me most about couples who reach their 40th anniversary: they're not perfect. They fight, they annoy each other, they have bad days.
The difference? They've eliminated these relationship killers from their repertoire.
They've replaced contempt with curiosity, stonewalling with communication, and scorekeeping with generosity. They turn toward each other instead of away.
If you're in a relationship, which of these patterns do you recognize? More importantly, which ones are you ready to change?
Because here's the truth: lasting love isn't about finding the perfect person. It's about consistently choosing to avoid the behaviors that poison connection, one interaction at a time.
What’s Your Plant-Powered Archetype?
Ever wonder what your everyday habits say about your deeper purpose—and how they ripple out to impact the planet?
This 90-second quiz reveals the plant-powered role you’re here to play, and the tiny shift that makes it even more powerful.
12 fun questions. Instant results. Surprisingly accurate.
