6 phrases mentally strong people use to gain the upper hand when dealing with a passive-aggressive person

We've all been there, haven't we?

That co-worker who agrees to help with a project but then "forgets" to follow through. The friend who responds to your exciting news with a backhanded compliment. The family member who gives you the silent treatment instead of just telling you what's bothering them.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can feel like navigating a minefield blindfolded. You know something's off, but you can't quite put your finger on it—and that's exactly what makes it so draining.

During my years as a financial analyst, I encountered my fair share of these interactions. The colleague who'd smile sweetly while undermining projects, or the manager who'd express concerns through sarcasm rather than direct feedback. It took me way too long to realize I was letting these dynamics control the conversation.

Here's what I've learned: mentally strong people don't get pulled into these games. Instead, they use specific phrases that redirect the energy and regain control of the situation.

Let's explore exactly how they do it.

1. "Help me understand what you mean by that"

Ever notice how passive-aggressive people love to hide behind vague comments and subtle digs?

They'll say things like "That's an interesting choice" or "I guess that works" with just enough ambiguity to leave you wondering if you're being criticized. It's frustrating because you can sense the judgment, but they haven't said anything you can directly address.

This is where mentally strong people shine. Instead of letting these comments slide or getting defensive, they use one simple phrase: "Help me understand what you mean by that."

I remember using this with a colleague who had a habit of making snide remarks during team meetings. When she said, "Well, I suppose your approach could work," instead of bristling or ignoring it, I calmly asked her to clarify what she meant.

The beauty of this phrase is that it forces the passive-aggressive person to either back down or be direct about their concerns. Most of the time, they'll backtrack with something like "Oh, nothing, I just meant..." because they weren't prepared to have an actual conversation about the issue.

You're not being confrontational—you're simply asking for clarity. And that puts you firmly in control of the interaction.

2. "I need a direct answer"

Passive-aggressive people are masters at giving you everything except what you actually asked for.

You ask when they can have the report ready, and they respond with, "Well, I've been really busy with other priorities." You invite them to dinner and get back, "I'll see how I feel." It's like trying to nail jelly to a wall—you never get a straight response.

This evasiveness isn't accidental. It's a way to maintain control while avoiding accountability. They can always claim later that they never actually said yes or no to anything.

That's when you pull out this gem: "I need a direct answer."

There's something beautifully clarifying about this phrase. It cuts through all the verbal dancing and gets straight to the point. You're not asking for their life story or emotional state—you're asking for a simple, clear response.

3. "What would you like me to do differently?"

Here's a classic passive-aggressive move: the dramatic sigh, the eye roll, or the muttered "Fine, whatever."

You know they're unhappy about something, but instead of telling you what's wrong, they're putting on a performance. They want you to guess what you've done wrong, apologize profusely, and somehow magically fix the problem they won't even name.

It's exhausting, and frankly, it's not your job to be a mind reader.

This is where "What would you like me to do differently?" becomes your best friend. It's a direct question that puts the responsibility right back where it belongs—on them to communicate their actual needs.

I had a roommate who would slam cabinet doors and huff around the kitchen whenever she was annoyed about something. Instead of playing detective or walking on eggshells, I started asking this simple question. Half the time, she'd admit she wasn't actually upset with me at all—she was just having a bad day and taking it out on the nearest target.

The other half? She'd finally tell me what was bothering her, and we could actually solve the problem.

This phrase works because it shows you're willing to listen and make changes if needed, but you're not going to participate in guessing games.

4. "Let's focus on solutions"

Passive-aggressive folks have a special talent for turning every conversation into a complaint session without ever actually trying to fix anything, right?

They'll spend twenty minutes telling you everything that's wrong with a situation, all the reasons why nothing will work, and how frustrated they are—but the moment you suggest doing something about it, they shut down or find new problems to focus on.

It's like they're more invested in staying stuck than moving forward. And honestly, that's often exactly what's happening. Complaining gives them attention and sympathy without requiring any real effort or vulnerability.

That's when mentally strong people redirect with "Let's focus on solutions."

This phrase is brilliant because it acknowledges that there might be real issues worth discussing, but it refuses to get trapped in the endless cycle of negativity. You're essentially saying, "I hear you, now what are we going to do about it?"

I learned this one the hard way with a project partner who would spend our entire meetings listing everything that could go wrong with our presentation. Instead of getting sucked into her spiral of worst-case scenarios, I started interrupting with, "Okay, let's focus on solutions. What's one thing we can do right now to address that concern?"

The change was remarkable. Either she'd engage constructively, or she'd realize she didn't actually want to solve the problem—she just wanted to complain. Either way, I wasn't wasting my energy anymore.

5. "I'm not comfortable with this dynamic"

Sometimes passive-aggressive behavior creates an uncomfortable atmosphere that's hard to pinpoint but impossible to ignore.

Maybe they're giving you the silent treatment after a disagreement. Or they're being overly sweet to your face while making snide comments to others. Perhaps they're "forgetting" to include you in important conversations or consistently showing up late to things that matter to you.

These behaviors are designed to make you feel off-balance and unsure of yourself. The passive-aggressive person gets to express their displeasure without taking responsibility for it, while you're left wondering if you're being too sensitive or reading too much into things.

Here's where "I'm not comfortable with this dynamic" becomes incredibly powerful.

This phrase acknowledges that something unhealthy is happening without getting into the weeds of specific behaviors or accusations. You're not saying they're doing anything wrong—you're simply stating that the overall energy between you isn't working.

6. "I can see you're upset, so let's talk when you're ready"

One of the most frustrating aspects of passive-aggressive behavior is the pretending that nothing's wrong.

They're clearly angry or hurt, but when you ask what's bothering them, you get a tight-lipped "I'm fine" or "Nothing's wrong." Meanwhile, their actions are screaming the opposite—they're short with you, avoiding eye contact, or giving you minimal responses to questions.

The person is essentially asking you to chase them, to keep prodding until they finally admit what's wrong.

But mentally strong people don't play that game.

Instead, they acknowledge what's obvious while refusing to become emotional detectives. "I can see you're upset, so let's talk when you're ready" does exactly that.

This response validates their feelings without enabling their indirect communication style. You're showing that you care enough to notice their distress, but you're not going to exhaust yourself trying to drag information out of them.

I started using this approach with a friend who would get sulky whenever plans didn't go her way but would never directly express her disappointment. It took a few times, but she eventually learned that if she wanted to discuss something, she needed to actually bring it up rather than waiting for me to guess what was wrong.

Final thoughts

Will using these responses magically transform every passive-aggressive person in your life? Probably not.

Some people are so committed to their communication style that they'll double down or find new ways to avoid directness.

But here's what will likely happen: you'll stop feeling crazy. You'll stop walking on eggshells. And you'll start feeling more confident in your interactions because you're not getting pulled into games you never agreed to play.

That's a win in my book!