Growing up in homes where love was shown through actions but never spoken, many adults now find themselves sitting in therapy sessions, listing facts when asked about feelings, unable to name the emotions they've spent a lifetime avoiding.
Growing up, I remember sitting at our kitchen table doing homework while my parents quietly moved around the house.
My mother would check my assignments, my father would nod approvingly at good grades, and we'd eat dinner discussing practical matters.
What we didn't discuss? How we felt about anything.
Years later, in a therapy session, when my therapist asked me to describe how I felt about a recent disappointment, I found myself listing facts instead.
"Well, logically speaking," I began, before she gently interrupted.
"But how do you feel about it?" The question left me speechless.
That day, I cried for the first time in years, realizing I'd been using my intellect as a shield against actually experiencing emotions.
If your childhood home was similar, where love was shown through actions but rarely spoken, you might recognize yourself in what follows.
Many of us raised by parents who believed love didn't need words now struggle with certain emotional experiences as adults.
Here are eight feelings that might feel particularly challenging if this was your upbringing:
1) Vulnerability
When was the last time you let someone see you completely unguarded?
For those of us raised in households where emotions weren't discussed, vulnerability can feel like standing naked in a snowstorm.
We learned early that being "strong" meant keeping feelings locked away.
My parents, a teacher and an engineer, emphasized education and achievement.
Their love came through concern about my financial security and future stability.
The problem? Vulnerability is actually the birthplace of connection.
When we can't show our true selves, including our struggles and uncertainties, we miss out on the deep relationships we crave.
We might have plenty of acquaintances but feel lonely even in crowded rooms.
If this resonates, start small.
Share one genuine feeling with someone you trust today.
It might feel terrifying, but each time gets a little easier.
2) Expressing affection
Do the words "I love you" get stuck in your throat?
Many adults from emotionally reserved families struggle to express affection verbally.
We might show care through actions, just like our parents did, but saying loving words out loud feels impossibly awkward.
We become the friend who shows up to help you move but can't say "I care about you" without wanting to crawl under the couch.
This struggle often extends beyond romantic relationships.
Telling friends we appreciate them, expressing gratitude openly, or even accepting compliments can trigger intense discomfort.
We default to deflection or humor because sincerity feels too exposed.
The antidote? Practice with yourself first.
Look in the mirror and say kind things to yourself.
Once that becomes comfortable, extend it outward.
Your relationships will transform when people actually hear how much they mean to you.
3) Asking for help
Here's a question that might make you squirm: When did you last ask someone for help with something emotional?
If you grew up in a family where independence was prized and emotional needs weren't acknowledged, asking for support probably feels like admitting failure.
You've become the person everyone else leans on, but when you're struggling, you handle it alone.
I spent years believing that needing help meant I was weak.
My parents never asked for emotional support from each other, at least not that I saw.
Problems were solved practically, privately, without burdening others.
This taught me that my emotional needs were mine to manage, but humans aren't designed to go through life alone.
We're social creatures who thrive on mutual support.
Learning to ask for help is wisdom.
It's recognizing that connection happens through both giving and receiving.
4) Setting emotional boundaries
Can you tell someone when they've hurt your feelings?
Without a model for discussing emotions, many of us never learned how to set emotional boundaries.
We might know how to say no to practical requests, but telling someone their behavior affects us emotionally?
That conversation feels impossible.
Instead, we either explode when pushed too far or silently endure situations that drain us.
We haven't developed the vocabulary or comfort level to say, "When you do this, I feel hurt," because such conversations never happened in our childhood homes.
Setting emotional boundaries starts with recognizing your own feelings are valid and worth protecting.
You don't need to justify feeling hurt, disappointed, or overwhelmed.
These emotions deserve respect, especially from yourself.
5) Experiencing joy without guilt
Does pure happiness make you uncomfortable?
This might sound strange, but many people raised without emotional expression struggle to fully embrace joy.
We might downplay achievements, feel guilty about good fortune, or quickly move past happy moments without savoring them.
Growing up, emotional restraint applied to all feelings.
Excessive happiness might have been seen as showing off or being dramatic.
We learned to keep our joy contained, practical, and measured.
But joy is meant to be felt fully.
It's not selfish or excessive to celebrate your wins, to laugh loudly, to feel grateful without immediately worrying about what could go wrong.
Give yourself permission to experience happiness without the footnotes.
6) Processing anger healthily
What happens when you get angry?
In families where emotions weren't discussed, anger often becomes particularly problematic.
Either it was the only emotion that got expressed (usually explosively) or it was completely suppressed.
Neither taught us healthy processing.
You might find yourself swinging between extremes: bottling up frustration until you explode, or being unable to express any anger at all.
Both patterns damage relationships and your own wellbeing.
Healthy anger expression means acknowledging the feeling, understanding what boundary was crossed, and communicating it constructively.
It's neither aggressive nor passive because it's simply honest.
7) Accepting emotional comfort
When someone tries to comfort you emotionally, do you change the subject?
Physical comfort might be fine, but emotional comfort? That's foreign territory for many of us.
We deflect with humor, minimize our pain, or simply shut down when someone tries to provide emotional support.
Recently, I had to have honest conversations with my parents about mental health, breaking our family's generational silence.
It was uncomfortable for all of us, but it opened doors to understanding and connection we'd never experienced.
Learning to accept comfort means acknowledging that your emotions matter and that you deserve support when you're struggling.
It's allowing others to be there for you emotionally.
8) Recognizing and naming emotions
Can you identify what you're feeling right now?
Perhaps the most fundamental struggle is simply identifying emotions.
When feelings weren't discussed growing up, we never developed the vocabulary or awareness to recognize what we're experiencing.
Everything becomes "fine" or "stressed" without nuance.
This emotional illiteracy affects every area of life.
How can you communicate feelings you can't name? How can you process experiences you can't identify?
We end up feeling disconnected from ourselves and others.
Start by expanding your emotional vocabulary.
There's a difference between frustrated, disappointed, and angry, or between content, joyful, and grateful.
The more specific you can be, the better you can understand and express yourself.
Final thoughts
If you recognized yourself in these struggles, you're simply working with the tools you were given, and those tools might need updating.
Our parents loved us the best way they knew how.
For many, that meant providing stability, education, and security.
These are valuable gifts, but we can honor what they gave us while also recognizing what was missing and choosing to develop those parts ourselves.
Learning to navigate emotions as an adult when you didn't learn as a child is challenging but not impossible.
Every small step toward emotional awareness and expression is progress, and every vulnerable conversation, every "I love you" spoken aloud, and every request for help is rewriting old patterns.
Be patient with yourself.
You're learning a new language, one your family might never have spoken.
Once you become fluent, you'll find a richness in relationships and self-understanding that makes the journey worthwhile.
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