From "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" to "figure it out yourself," these well-meaning mantras shaped a generation that excels at everything except asking for help or feeling good enough.
Growing up, I remember sitting at our scratched-up kitchen table, tears streaming down my face because I'd gotten a B+ on my science test.
My mother, a teacher herself, looked at me with that familiar mix of concern and disappointment. "You're supposed to be gifted," she said, not unkindly, but with an edge that suggested I'd let down not just myself, but our entire family lineage.
My engineer father didn't even look up from his newspaper. "Crying won't fix it. Next time, study harder."
If you were raised in the 70s like I was, this scene probably feels eerily familiar. Our parents weren't trying to be cruel. They genuinely believed they were molding us into strong, capable adults.
The problem? Many of their character-building methods left us with emotional baggage we're still unpacking in our forties.
I've spent years working through the people-pleasing tendencies and perfectionism that stemmed from my childhood. And through countless conversations with friends and readers my age, I've discovered we all carry similar scars from the same well-intentioned but harsh parenting philosophies.
Let's explore the seven beliefs our 70s parents swore by that they thought would build character, but often just built anxiety instead.
1) Emotions were weaknesses to be conquered
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Ring any bells?
In my house, showing emotion was practically a criminal offense. When I was upset about not making the school play, my dad's response was simple: "Life's full of disappointments. Better get used to it now."
The message was clear: Feelings were inconvenient obstacles to productivity. Success meant suppressing your emotions and pushing through. Our parents genuinely believed this would make us resilient.
What it actually did was teach an entire generation to bottle up their feelings until they exploded in unhealthy ways.
How many of us still struggle to express vulnerability without feeling like we're failing somehow? I know I spent years in therapy just learning it was okay to feel disappointed without immediately trying to logic my way out of it.
2) Praise was dangerous and would make you soft
When I helped my parents downsize recently, I found a box of my old report cards. Every single one showed straight A's, perfect attendance, glowing teacher comments. You know what I don't remember? My parents ever saying they were proud of me.
They weren't being mean. They honestly believed that praising children would make them complacent. "We don't want you getting a big head," my mother would say when I'd show her another academic achievement.
The result? A generation of adults who constantly seek validation because we never got it as kids, yet simultaneously feel uncomfortable receiving compliments. We're perpetually convinced we're not doing enough, no matter how much we accomplish.
To this day, my mother introduces me as "my daughter who worked in finance," as if my years as a writer don't count because they're not impressive enough.
3) Children should be seen and not heard
Adult conversations were strictly off-limits. If you had an opinion about something the grown-ups were discussing, you kept it to yourself. Questions were often met with "Because I said so," and challenging authority was basically treason.
This wasn't just about respecting elders. Our parents believed children needed to learn their place in the hierarchy. Speaking up was considered disrespectful, even if you had something valuable to contribute.
Fast forward to today, and how many of us struggle to speak up in meetings? How many brilliant ideas have gone unshared because we still hear that voice saying, "Who asked you?" The character trait they were trying to build was respect, but what many of us learned was that our voices didn't matter.
4) Competition was everything
Whether it was grades, sports, or who could eat their vegetables fastest, everything in the 70s was a competition. And losing wasn't just disappointing; it was shameful.
I was labeled "gifted" in elementary school, which sounds like a blessing but felt like a curse. Every B was a failure. Every second-place finish was first loser. My parents weren't unique in this. They believed competition would prepare us for the "real world" where only winners succeeded.
The problem? This created adults who either burn out from constant competition or give up entirely because if you can't win, why try? We struggle with collaboration because we were taught that someone else's success meant our failure. We can't enjoy hobbies unless we're the best at them.
5) Physical punishment taught respect
This one's tough to talk about, but we need to. Spanking, belt-whippings, wooden spoons. These weren't considered abuse; they were considered necessary discipline. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" wasn't just a saying; it was gospel.
Our parents believed physical punishment taught consequences and respect for authority. What it actually taught many of us was that violence was an acceptable response to frustration and that love could hurt.
How many of us flinch at raised voices or still feel that spike of fear when someone's disappointed in us?
6) Independence meant figuring everything out alone
"Figure it out yourself" was basically the 70s parenting motto. Struggling with homework? Figure it out. Can't reach something on a high shelf? Figure it out. Being bullied at school? You guessed it: Figure it out.
This sink-or-swim approach was supposed to create self-sufficient adults. And sure, many of us are incredibly independent. But we're also terrible at asking for help when we need it. We'd rather struggle alone than admit we can't handle something, because asking for help still feels like failure.
I spent years in my finance career drowning in work rather than delegating or asking for support, all because I'd internalized that needing help meant I wasn't capable enough.
7) Your best was never quite good enough
Got an A? Why wasn't it an A+? Made the team? Why aren't you captain? This constant moving of goalposts was meant to keep us striving, always reaching for more.
My parents, especially with their backgrounds in education and engineering, saw potential everywhere and couldn't understand why we weren't maximizing it. They thought they were motivating us to achieve greatness.
Instead, they created adults who can never rest, never feel satisfied, never believe they've done enough. We're exhausted from constantly chasing the next achievement, hoping maybe this time it'll be enough to finally feel worthy.
Final thoughts
If you're reading this and feeling a knot in your stomach, you're not alone. Recognizing these patterns isn't about blaming our parents. They were doing their best with the knowledge they had. The 70s were a different time, and these beliefs were widely accepted as good parenting.
But we can acknowledge the impact without demonizing the generation that raised us. More importantly, we can break these cycles. We can learn to feel our emotions without shame, accept praise without discomfort, and ask for help without feeling weak.
The character our parents were trying to build was real and valuable. They wanted us to be strong, capable, successful adults. Many of us are.
But we can keep the strength while healing the harsh edges. We can be resilient without being rigid, independent without being isolated, successful without being perpetually unsatisfied.
The real character comes from doing the work to understand ourselves, heal our wounds, and choose differently for ourselves and the next generation.
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