8 things boomers do that slowly pushes their adult kids away without meaning to

Ever wonder why family gatherings feel more tense than they used to?

Last Thanksgiving, I watched my mother introduce me to her friend at the grocery store. "This is my daughter who worked in finance," she said, even though I left that career path years ago to become a writer. In that moment, I realized something that many of us with boomer parents experience: they often push us away without even knowing they're doing it.

The thing is, our parents genuinely love us. They want the best for us. But sometimes their way of showing it creates distance instead of closeness. After years of navigating this complicated relationship with my own achievement-oriented parents, I've noticed patterns that keep coming up, not just in my family, but in conversations with friends and readers too.

If you've ever felt frustrated after a phone call with your parents or found yourself dreading their visits, you're not alone. These eight behaviors might be at the heart of that tension.

1) Dismissing your career choices

Remember when you excitedly told your parents about your promotion or that new project you're passionate about? Maybe they responded with, "That's nice, but when are you going to get a real job?" or "You could be making so much more money if you'd stayed in..."

This hits close to home for me. When I left my stable finance job to pursue writing, my parents couldn't understand it. To them, I was throwing away a perfectly good career for something uncertain. They meant well, wanting security for me, but their constant questioning made me feel like nothing I chose would ever be good enough.

The truth is, the world has changed dramatically since our parents entered the workforce. Remote work, the gig economy, creative careers that didn't exist thirty years ago, these are all valid paths now. When parents dismiss these choices, it feels like they're dismissing who we've become as adults.

2) Offering unsolicited advice constantly

"You know what you should do?" How many conversations with your parents start this way?

Whether it's about your parenting style, your relationship, your home, or how you spend your weekends, boomer parents often can't help but offer their two cents. They see it as being helpful. We experience it as them not trusting our judgment.

I once mentioned to my dad that I was tired after a long week. His immediate response was a fifteen-minute lecture about time management and how I should restructure my entire schedule. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear, not a life coaching session.

3) Making everything about them

You call to share exciting news about your life, and somehow the conversation shifts to their health issues, their friend's daughter's accomplishments, or a story from their past that loosely relates to your situation.

While sharing experiences can be a way of connecting, when every conversation becomes about them, it sends the message that our lives are just prompts for their memories. It leaves us feeling unheard and unimportant.

A friend recently told me she stopped calling her mom as often because she felt like a launching pad for her mother's stories rather than a person with her own experiences worth discussing.

4) Avoiding real conversations about mental health

"Just think positive thoughts." "You have nothing to be depressed about." "In my day, we didn't have anxiety, we just got on with things."

Sound familiar?

When I first tried to have an honest conversation with my parents about mental health, I hit a wall. They came from a generation where these topics were taboo, where seeking therapy meant you were weak or broken. Breaking through that generational silence was one of the hardest things I've done, but also one of the most necessary.

Many boomers genuinely don't understand that mental health is health. Their dismissive comments about therapy, medication, or emotional struggles can make their adult children feel invalidated and alone, creating a chasm where there should be support.

5) Guilt-tripping about visit frequency

"I guess we'll just spend the holidays alone again." "Your cousin visits her parents every week." "We won't be around forever, you know."

The guilt trip is a classic move, and while it might get a visit scheduled, it also breeds resentment. When every interaction starts with a comment about how long it's been or how little we call, it makes us want to pull away even more.

Setting boundaries with my parents about visit expectations was uncomfortable but necessary. Quality matters more than quantity, and visits born from guilt rarely strengthen relationships.

6) Refusing to acknowledge you've grown up

Do your parents still treat you like you're eighteen? Mine do sometimes. They question my decisions, worry excessively about things I've been handling for decades, or bring up embarrassing stories from childhood in front of my professional colleagues.

This inability to see us as fully functioning adults is exhausting. We've built careers, raised families, managed finances, navigated life's challenges, yet one visit home and suddenly we're being told how to load the dishwasher properly.

7) Comparing you to others constantly

"Did you hear Sarah's daughter just bought a house?" "Tom's son is getting married next month." "The neighbor's kids visit every Sunday for dinner."

Comparisons sting at any age, but they're particularly frustrating when you're an adult trying to live life on your own terms. These comparisons often reflect their own insecurities or wishes, but they land as criticism and disappointment.

I had to confront my parents' disappointment directly and realize I couldn't live for their approval. Their vision of success was shaped by their generation's values, not mine. Once I accepted that, the comparisons lost some of their power, though they still hurt.

8) Dismissing boundaries as disrespect

"I'm your mother, I have a right to know." "Family doesn't have boundaries." "You're being too sensitive."

When you try to establish healthy boundaries, whether about topics of conversation, frequency of contact, or personal space, many boomer parents see this as rejection or disrespect rather than self-care.

Learning to set boundaries with my parents about discussing my life choices was crucial for our relationship. They initially saw it as me shutting them out. Over time, with patience and consistency, they began to understand that boundaries actually helped us have a healthier relationship.

Final thoughts

Here's what I've learned through years of navigating this: our boomer parents aren't trying to hurt us. They're operating from their own experiences, fears, and love for us. The behaviors that push us away often come from a place of caring, even if the execution misses the mark.

But understanding the why doesn't mean we have to accept behavior that damages our relationship or our well-being. We can love our parents while also protecting our peace. We can appreciate their concern while maintaining our boundaries. We can honor where they came from while insisting on respect for where we are.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship with your parents, know that you're not ungrateful or oversensitive. These feelings are valid. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is have the hard conversations, set the boundaries, and show them through our actions what a healthy adult relationship looks like.

Change won't happen overnight, and it might not happen at all. But what can change is how we respond, how we protect our energy, and how we choose to engage. Because at the end of the day, we can't control our parents' behavior, only our reaction to it.