She might think she’s sophisticated—but if she’s doing any of these 7 things in public, she’s giving the exact opposite vibe.
We talk about “class” like it’s a price tag or a pedigree, but the truth is simpler—and much more accessible.
As etiquette icon Emily Post put it, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
That awareness shows up in a hundred small ways, especially when we’re out in public and not thinking about how we’re being perceived.
After years working in finance and now writing about behavior and psychology—and in between, handing out tokens at a farmers’ market information booth on Saturday mornings—I’ve noticed patterns.
Classy, elegant women aren’t perfect; they’re thoughtful.
And the women who unintentionally come across as the opposite often share a few telltale habits.
Here are seven behaviors that can quietly undercut your poise in public—and what to do instead.
1. Talking down to service workers
I see it at coffee counters and checkout lines: the clipped tone, the eye roll, the finger snap when a barista is swamped.
Nothing makes a person look smaller, faster.
Why?
Because kindness is most convincing when there’s no social reward attached.
Anyone can be charming to a CEO.
Grace is how you treat the person wiping down a table or troubleshooting a register.
Try this instead: make eye contact, use names from name tags, and say a genuine “thanks.”
If something’s wrong, state it factually and let the person solve it.
You’ll feel calmer, and you’ll look composed.
2. Performing instead of conversing
Have you ever caught yourself waiting for your turn to speak—then jumping in with a monologue?
I have.
It’s common when we’re nervous.
But when every story is “top this,” every comment is a segue back to you, and every laugh is a little too loud for the room, people don’t feel included; they feel managed.
A simple reset: ask one follow-up question before adding your point.
“What happened next?” or “How did you handle that?”
Conversation is a game of catch, not dodgeball.
3. Oversharing private drama in public spaces
We’ve all sat within earshot of the Bluetooth breakup or the blow-by-blow office rant.
It’s not the emotion that reads as inelegant; it’s ignoring the shared space.
When your personal soundtrack becomes everyone’s background noise, the signal you send is, “My moment matters more than your peace.”
If you need to talk it out, step outside or text a friend to schedule a call later.
Elegance honors the room, not just the relationship.
4. Letting the phone steal the show
Picture this: a friend is telling you about her job interview.
Your phone lights up.
You glance down “just for a second.”
She notices.
We all do.
Research has a name for it—phubbing (phone + snubbing)—and it’s been linked to lower conversation quality and diminished relationship satisfaction, even when the phone just sits on the table.
As noted in a study by Roberts and David, device distraction makes interactions feel less meaningful.
Keep the phone zipped up and face-to-face time becomes warmer, smarter, and more memorable.
Practical move: when you sit down with someone, place your phone out of sight.
If you’re expecting an urgent call, name it upfront: “I’m waiting on the vet. If they ring, I’ll need to answer—otherwise I’m all yours.”
5. One-upping, humble-bragging, and status-peacocking
You know the rhythm: someone shares a good thing, and instead of celebrating, another person responds with a bigger, shinier story—or a brag disguised as a sigh.
I used to hear it constantly in finance: “It’s exhausting flying business class every week.”
(Said no tired person ever.)
The polished alternative is surprisingly easy: let other people’s good news breathe.
If you want to share your news, do it in a separate moment without trying to eclipse theirs.
When recognition comes, accept it simply.
A sincere “Thank you, I worked hard on that,” is both confident and classy.
6. Ignoring the “shared” in shared spaces
Cutting lines, blocking sidewalks for selfies, playing videos on speaker, leaving trash at the movie seat—these are minor offenses that add up to a major impression.
They say, “My convenience outranks everyone else’s.”
Want an instant elegance upgrade?
Scan the environment and ask, “Is what I’m doing considerate to people I can’t see?”
Hold the door that extra second.
Offer your seat to someone who looks like they need it more.
Keep your bag off the spare chair.
It’s the quiet choreography of public life.
7. Dressing for attention rather than the occasion
This isn’t about price tags or body policing; it’s about context.
Elegance is alignment—your outfit, grooming, and demeanor match the moment.
That might mean clean sneakers and a fresh tee for a picnic, or a pressed blouse and closed-toe shoes for a work event.
If your look makes it harder for people to focus on you—what you’re saying, how you’re contributing—it’s working against you.
A reliable test I use: “Would I be comfortable running into anyone here—my boss, a neighbor, a past version of me?”
If the answer is yes, you’re appropriately put together.
A few mindset shifts that change everything
The spotlight effect.
Psychologists call it our tendency to overestimate how much others notice us.
In classic experiments, people wearing an embarrassing T-shirt thought everyone had clocked it; in reality, far fewer had.
Translation: you don’t need to perform to be seen—and you won’t be ruined by one awkward moment.
Relax into the interaction; people are paying less attention than you fear.
Lead with consideration.
As noted by Emily Post, etiquette isn’t about memorizing rules; it’s about tuning into how others feel.
Ask yourself simple questions: Who else is affected? What would make this easier for them?
That micro-pause is the difference between brusque and gracious.
Choose presence over performance.
Put the phone away during conversations, be fully there for the person in front of you, and resist the urge to narrate your life in real time to a public audience.
It’s amazing how quickly that alone changes the energy you bring into a room.
Final thoughts
If any of these behaviors stung a little, I promise you’re not alone.
I’ve been guilty of each at some point—especially when I was exhausted, stressed, or trying too hard to “impress.”
The good news is that elegance isn’t a personality transplant; it’s a series of small, repeatable choices.
Start with one: maybe it’s putting your phone away at dinner, or softening your tone with the next overworked cashier, or asking two follow-up questions before offering your take.
Do that for a week and notice what happens.
Class isn’t about being flawless.
It’s about being thoughtful, especially when nobody demands it of you.
And that kind of grace?
It never goes out of style.
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