The most emotionally damaging relationship of your life will be with a man who displays these 7 behaviors, according to psychology

We need to talk about something I wish I'd understood years earlier: the most damaging relationships aren't always the ones that look bad from the outside.

In fact, the relationship that nearly broke me looked perfect on paper. He was charming, successful, and everyone thought we were great together. But behind closed doors, I was slowly losing myself to behaviors that psychology now recognizes as deeply destructive.

If you're feeling emotionally drained, constantly questioning yourself, or wondering why you feel so small in your relationship, these seven behaviors might be why. Trust me, recognizing them could save you years of heartache.

1. He makes you question your own reality

Ever had a conversation where you walked away wondering if you imagined the whole thing? That's gaslighting, and it's more common than you think.

I remember telling my ex about a promise he'd made to attend my work event. His response? "I never said that. You're always making things up." The crazy part was how convincing he was. I started keeping notes just to prove to myself I wasn't going crazy.

Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, who wrote "The Gaslight Effect," explains that gaslighting victims often experience a gradual erosion of confidence in their own perceptions. You start doubting your memory, your judgment, even your sanity.

The scariest part? It happens so slowly you don't realize it until you're completely lost. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you're not even sure you did wrong, or if you're always the one who "misunderstood" or "overreacted," pay attention. Your perception of reality is valid.

2. He isolates you from your support system

This one creeps up on you like a shadow at dusk. First, he doesn't like your best friend. Then your sister is "too dramatic." Before you know it, you're canceling plans because it's easier than dealing with his mood afterward.

Studies have found that isolation is one of the strongest predictors of emotional abuse escalation. When you lose your support network, you lose perspective. You lose the people who would tell you that what you're experiencing isn't normal.

Looking back, I can see how calculated it was. Every friendship that threatened his control became a problem. The friend who encouraged my career ambitions? Suddenly she was "a bad influence." My running group? "They take up too much of our time together."

Here's what healthy looks like: a partner who encourages your relationships, who understands that having a life outside the relationship makes you stronger together, not weaker.

3. He weaponizes your vulnerabilities

Remember that thing you told him in confidence? That deep fear, that past trauma, that insecurity you trusted him with? In a damaging relationship, these become ammunition.

I once shared with someone how my perfectionism had made me miserable for years, how I was learning to embrace "good enough." Later, during arguments, he'd throw it back at me: "Well, maybe if you weren't so lazy about being 'good enough,' we wouldn't have these problems."

Dr. John Gottman's research on relationships identifies this as one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship apocalypse. When someone uses your vulnerabilities against you, they're not trying to solve problems. They're trying to win by hurting you where it counts most.

Your vulnerabilities are sacred. Anyone who uses them as weapons doesn't deserve access to them.

4. He cycles between extremes

One day you're his everything. The next, you can't do anything right. This emotional whiplash keeps you constantly off-balance, always trying to get back to the "good" version of him.

Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement, and it's the same principle that makes gambling addictive. The unpredictability hooks you. You never know which version you're going to get, so you're always on edge, always trying harder.

I spent months analyzing patterns, trying to figure out what triggered the switches. Was it stress at work? Something I said? The truth is, it wasn't about me at all. It was about control.

Healthy relationships have consistency. Sure, everyone has bad days, but love shouldn't feel like Russian roulette.

5. He dismisses your feelings

"You're being too sensitive." "You're overreacting." "Can't you take a joke?"

Sound familiar?

When someone consistently dismisses your feelings, they're telling you that your emotional experience doesn't matter. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emotional responsiveness is the foundation of secure relationships. Without it, you're essentially alone even when you're together.

I filled notebook after notebook trying to make sense of why my feelings were always "wrong." It wasn't until notebook number 30-something that I realized the problem wasn't my feelings. It was his response to them.

Your feelings are information. They're valid simply because you feel them. Anyone who tells you otherwise is more interested in their comfort than your wellbeing.

6. He never truly apologizes

Watch out for the fake apology. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry, but you made me do it." "I'm sorry if you were hurt."

These aren't apologies. They're deflections dressed up in apologetic language.

In damaging relationships, you'll get performative apologies designed to end the conversation, not repair the harm. You'll get apologies that somehow leave you feeling worse, like you're the one who should be sorry for bringing it up.

Real apologies change behavior. If someone keeps doing the same hurtful thing while saying sorry, they're not actually sorry.

7. He makes you responsible for his emotions

"You made me angry." "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted that way." "You know how I get when you do that."

This is emotional terrorism, plain and simple. When someone makes you responsible for managing their emotions, you become a hostage to their moods.

I remember walking on eggshells, carefully curating my words, my actions, even my facial expressions to avoid setting him off. The exhaustion was bone-deep. When you're spending all your energy managing someone else's emotions, there's nothing left for your own life.

Final thoughts

If you recognized your relationship in these behaviors, I want you to know something important: it's not your fault. These patterns are insidious precisely because they develop gradually, wrapped in moments of tenderness that make you doubt your concerns.

The hardest truth I've learned? Love isn't supposed to diminish you. It's not supposed to make you smaller, quieter, or less yourself. Real love helps you grow into the fullest version of who you are.

If you're in this situation, please reach out for help. Talk to a therapist, call a hotline, confide in someone you trust. You deserve a relationship that adds light to your life, not one that slowly extinguishes it.

Your story doesn't have to end where mine almost did. You're stronger than you know, and there's a whole life waiting for you on the other side of this pain.