If your mother said these 7 things when you were growing up, you probably have trust issues as an adult

Ever wonder why you have such a hard time trusting people? I used to think my trust issues were just part of my personality until I started connecting the dots back to my childhood. Specifically, to things my mother used to say that seemed harmless at the time but left lasting marks on how I relate to others today.

Growing up with a teacher for a mother meant every word carried weight. And while I know she meant well, some of those words shaped my ability to trust in ways I'm only now beginning to understand. If you're struggling with trust in your relationships, whether romantic, professional, or friendships, the roots might go deeper than you think.

Let me share seven phrases that, if you heard them growing up, might explain why trusting others feels like such a monumental task today.

1. "You can't trust anyone but family"

This one seems protective on the surface, right? Your mother wanted to shield you from getting hurt. But when you hear this repeatedly as a child, it creates an us-versus-them mentality that follows you into adulthood.

I remember being discouraged from getting too close to friends because "they'll eventually let you down." The message was clear: outsiders are dangerous, and only blood relatives are safe. But here's what happens when you internalize this belief. You keep everyone at arm's length. You share surface-level things but never let anyone really see you. You expect betrayal before it happens, which ironically can push people away and create the very abandonment you feared.

The truth? Not all family members are trustworthy, and not all non-family members will hurt you. Learning to evaluate people based on their individual actions rather than their category in your life is crucial for building healthy relationships.

2. "I'm only telling you this for your own good"

How many harsh criticisms were wrapped in this pretty bow? When every piece of criticism comes with this disclaimer, you learn that people who claim to care about you will hurt you. You start to associate love with pain.

In my house, this phrase usually preceded something that would chip away at my self-esteem. Comments about my appearance, my choices, my friends. All delivered with the assurance that this was love. No wonder so many of us struggle to recognize healthy relationships. We've been programmed to believe that someone who truly cares will point out all our flaws.

Now when someone offers genuine kindness without criticism, it feels suspicious. We wait for the other shoe to drop, for the "but" that must be coming. Real love doesn't need to hurt to be valid.

3. "Don't tell anyone about our family business"

Secrets create shame. When you grow up in a household where everything must stay hidden, you learn that vulnerability is dangerous. You learn that your real self, your real life, is something to be ashamed of.

I spent years perfecting the art of deflection in conversations. Ask me about my weekend? I'd give you a sanitized version. Problems at home? Everything's fine, thanks for asking. This habit of keeping everything locked inside makes genuine connection impossible. How can someone truly know and love you if you never let them see who you really are?

Breaking this pattern means learning that sharing your truth with trusted people isn't betrayal. It's connection.

4. "You're being too sensitive"

Talk about gaslighting before we even knew what gaslighting was. When your emotional responses are consistently invalidated, you stop trusting your own feelings. And if you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else?

This phrase taught me to doubt my instincts. If something felt wrong, I'd question whether I was just being "too sensitive" again. This self-doubt becomes a playground for manipulative people later in life. You ignore red flags because you've been trained not to trust your gut reactions.

Learning to validate your own feelings is essential for developing trust. Your emotions are data, not character flaws.

5. "After everything I've done for you"

Ah, the guilt trip express. When love comes with a running tally of sacrifices, you learn that relationships are transactional. Every kindness has strings attached. Every gesture of care creates a debt.

This creates adults who either avoid accepting help (because they know it'll be used against them later) or who keep similar scorecards in their own relationships. Trust becomes impossible when you're always waiting for someone to cash in their chips.

Healthy relationships involve give and take without keeping score. Learning this has been revolutionary for me.

6. "You'll understand when you're older"

While sometimes age does bring understanding, this phrase often dismissed legitimate questions and concerns. It taught us that our thoughts and feelings weren't valid until some arbitrary future point.

As an adult, this translates to not trusting your own judgment. You might constantly seek validation from others because you were taught that your perspective wasn't enough. You might stay in bad situations because surely you're just not seeing the bigger picture yet.

Trust starts with trusting yourself. Your feelings and observations are valid right now, not at some undefined point in the future.

7. "I know what's best for you"

The ultimate trust killer. When someone else always knows better, you never develop confidence in your own decision-making abilities. You become dependent on external validation and suspicious of your own choices.

Growing up labeled as "gifted" in elementary school, I faced enormous pressure to be perfect. Every decision felt monumental because disappointing my parents felt like betraying their investment in me. But constantly being told that someone else knows what's best teaches you that you can't be trusted with your own life.

This creates adults who either rebel against all advice or remain paralyzed without it. Finding the middle ground, where you can consider input while trusting your own judgment, takes serious work.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these patterns in your own upbringing isn't about blaming your mother. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have. My mother, the teacher who valued education above all else, genuinely believed she was preparing me for a tough world.

But understanding where your trust issues originated is the first step to healing them. You're not broken because you struggle to trust. You're responding normally to what you learned growing up.

The good news? These patterns can be unlearned. It takes time, patience, and often professional help, but you can develop the ability to trust both yourself and others. Start by paying attention to when these old voices pop up in your head. Question them. Are they serving you now, or are they outdated software that needs updating?

Trust isn't rebuilt overnight, but every small step toward vulnerability and connection is progress. You deserve relationships built on genuine trust, not fear. And yes, despite what you might have learned growing up, you're absolutely capable of having them.