10 things grandparents do that push adult grandchildren away without realizing it

I was visiting my parents last month when my mom introduced me to her new neighbor. "This is my daughter who worked in finance," she said with that familiar note of pride. Not "my daughter the writer," despite the fact that I left my analyst job years ago to pursue what actually lights me up.

It stung, but it also reminded me of something I've been noticing more and more in my work: the subtle ways family members, especially grandparents, can unintentionally create distance with their adult grandchildren. They don't mean to push anyone away. In fact, they usually want the exact opposite - closer relationships, more visits, deeper connections.

But sometimes, without realizing it, certain behaviors and patterns can have the opposite effect. If you're a grandparent wondering why your adult grandchildren seem distant, or if you're an adult grandchild struggling to articulate why family visits feel so draining, this might help shed some light.

1. Constantly comparing them to others

"Your cousin just got promoted to partner at her law firm. Isn't that wonderful?"

Sound familiar? Comparisons might seem like innocent conversation starters, but they often feel like subtle criticisms. When grandparents regularly bring up the achievements of siblings, cousins, or even their younger selves, it sends a message that their grandchild isn't quite measuring up.

I remember helping my parents downsize a few years back and stumbling upon my old report cards. Every single one had comments about "exceeding expectations" and "top of the class." Looking at them, I realized how much of my life I'd spent trying to be the best at everything, partly because comparisons were such a normal part of family conversations.

Your grandchild's path is their own. Celebrating their unique journey, rather than measuring it against others, builds connection instead of resentment.

2. Dismissing their career choices

When I told my parents I was leaving finance to become a writer, you'd think I'd announced plans to join the circus. The disappointment was palpable. And while they've come around somewhat, that introduction to the neighbor shows old habits die hard.

Many grandparents grew up in an era where career stability meant everything. They might not understand freelancing, content creation, or startup culture. When they question these choices or suggest "real jobs," they're trying to help. But what their grandchildren hear is: "Your life choices aren't valid."

Instead of questioning, try curiosity. Ask about what they love about their work. Show genuine interest in understanding their world, even if it's different from what you imagined for them.

3. Offering unsolicited advice about parenting

"We never used car seats like that when you were little, and you turned out fine!"

Parenting has evolved significantly over the generations. What worked in the past might not align with current recommendations or personal choices. When grandparents constantly offer unsolicited parenting advice, it can feel like criticism of their grandchild's parenting abilities.

Trust that your grandchildren are doing their best with the information and resources they have. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it.

4. Guilt-tripping about visit frequency

"I guess we'll just spend another holiday alone. Don't worry about us."

Guilt might get you more visits in the short term, but it breeds resentment in the long run. Adult grandchildren often juggle demanding careers, their own children, and multiple family obligations. When every conversation includes a guilt trip about not visiting enough, it makes them want to visit even less.

Quality matters more than quantity. Make the visits you do have positive and pressure-free, and you might find they naturally become more frequent.

5. Refusing to respect boundaries

Maybe they've asked you not to post photos of their kids on social media. Or they've requested you not discuss politics at family dinners. Whatever the boundary, dismissing it as "silly" or "oversensitive" sends a clear message: your comfort matters more than their needs.

I've had to work through this with my own parents. Setting boundaries felt uncomfortable at first, especially when I could see their confusion or hurt. But respecting each other's limits has actually brought us closer.

Boundaries aren't walls; they're guidelines for healthy relationships. Respecting them shows you value the relationship enough to honor what the other person needs.

6. Making everything about the past

Every family gathering becomes a trip down memory lane. Every conversation circles back to "when you were little" or "back in my day." While sharing memories is beautiful, when it dominates every interaction, it prevents you from knowing who your grandchild is now.

Your adult grandchildren are creating new memories, facing new challenges, and becoming new versions of themselves. Show interest in their present and future, not just their past.

7. Using money as leverage

Financial gifts come with strings attached. Offers of help include expectations about how that help should be used. Money becomes a tool for maintaining control rather than an expression of love and support.

If you choose to give financial gifts, give freely. If you need to attach conditions, be transparent about them upfront. Using money to manipulate behavior will cost you far more than whatever amount you're offering.

8. Minimizing their struggles

"You think you're stressed? Try raising four kids with one income!"

When grandchildren share their challenges, responding with comparisons to your own harder times doesn't help. It invalidates their experience and shuts down communication. Their struggles are real to them, regardless of how they compare to yours.

At 36, I discovered journaling, and it's been transformative. I've filled 47 notebooks with reflections and observations, many about learning to validate my own experiences instead of minimizing them. This practice has taught me that acknowledging someone's struggle costs nothing but means everything.

9. Ignoring or criticizing their lifestyle choices

Maybe they're vegan, child-free by choice, or living with a partner without being married. These choices might not align with your values or expectations, but constantly questioning or criticizing them creates distance.

Your grandchild's lifestyle choices are just that - their choices. You don't have to understand or agree with them, but accepting them shows you love the person they are, not just the person you wish they'd be.

10. Playing family politics

Telling one grandchild what another said about them. Taking sides in sibling disputes. Creating drama where none existed. Family politics might seem like harmless gossip, but they erode trust and make family gatherings feel like minefields.

Be a safe space for all your grandchildren. Keep confidences. Avoid triangulation. Let them build their own relationships with each other without your interference.

Final thoughts

Reading through this list might feel uncomfortable. You might recognize some of these behaviors in yourself or your own parents. That's okay. Awareness is the first step toward change.

These patterns usually come from a place of love. Grandparents want to help, to share their wisdom, to stay connected. But sometimes the methods push people away instead of pulling them closer.

If you're a grandparent, consider asking your grandchildren directly: "What could I do to make our relationship stronger?" Then listen, really listen, to their answer.

If you're an adult grandchild, consider sharing this article as a conversation starter. Change happens through honest, compassionate communication.

Relationships across generations can be incredibly enriching when both sides feel heard, respected, and valued for who they are right now. It took me years to realize I couldn't live for my parents' approval, and that freed both of us to build something better. The same possibility exists in every grandparent-grandchild relationship willing to do the work.