A generation taught to hide their feelings is finally learning that love, vulnerability, and connection were never signs of weakness—they were the missing pieces all along.
If you’ve ever wondered why some people from older generations struggle to express affection, you’re not imagining it.
Many boomers grew up in households where emotional warmth wasn’t exactly encouraged.
They were told to be strong, to hold things in, and to get on with life.
Feelings were often seen as weakness.
And that conditioning doesn’t just disappear—it lingers.
When you grow up without emotional nurturing, you adapt.
You build habits to protect yourself.
And while some of those habits helped you survive, they can quietly shape how you connect (or don’t connect) as an adult.
So, let’s talk about the subtle ways this lack of affection shows up—even decades later.
1. Struggling to show vulnerability
For many boomers, being vulnerable feels unsafe.
They were raised in a time when “keeping a stiff upper lip” was the norm.
Expressing pain or fear wasn’t modeled - it was dismissed.
So, instead of opening up, they often shut down.
This can look like avoiding deep conversations, deflecting with humor, or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not.
Underneath?
A fear of rejection that runs deep.
In relationships, this often creates emotional distance.
They may love deeply but struggle to show it in ways others understand.
2. Overvaluing independence
Independence is a strength.
But when it becomes a shield against closeness, it turns into emotional isolation.
Boomers who lacked affection often pride themselves on being self-sufficient.
They don’t want to “burden” others or admit when they need help.
The problem is, they end up carrying everything alone.
I’ve seen this in people who would rather struggle in silence than admit they’re hurting.
This isn't pride—it’s learned protection.
And while self-reliance served them once, it can now keep them from meaningful support.
3. Difficulty giving (and receiving) compliments
When you grow up without hearing “I’m proud of you,” it’s hard to know how to say it to others.
Some boomers freeze when someone expresses love or praise.
They might brush it off or make a joke.
It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just never learned how to sit with that kind of warmth.
This discomfort can create emotional barriers.
Even kind words can feel exposing when you’re used to emotional distance.
Over time, it becomes easier to stay neutral than to risk the tenderness of being seen.
4. Emotional avoidance
Affection-deprived upbringings often teach people to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
Anger, sadness, even joy, they’re all kept in check.
That’s why some boomers appear calm in every situation.
Inside, they may be emotionally numb.
It’s easier to detach than to feel what was once too painful to express.
The irony?
Emotional avoidance doesn’t protect; it disconnects.
It can lead to burnout, stress, and feeling unseen even by those closest to you.
Learning to name and feel emotions again takes courage, but it’s the path back to connection.
5. Love shown through actions, not words
You’ll often hear boomers say things like, “I show I care by providing,” or “I don’t say ‘I love you,’ but I show it.”
And they mean it.
For them, love wasn’t about affection. It was about responsibility.
Paying bills, fixing things, showing up.
But as meaningful as that is, it can leave emotional gaps in relationships where words of love or tenderness are still needed.
Acts of service were their language of love.
But sometimes, their silence speaks louder than they intend.
Learning new emotional languages can transform their connections.
6. Uncomfortable with physical affection
For some, a simple hug feels awkward.
It’s not because they don’t want it, it’s because it feels unfamiliar.
They may stiffen during a hug or avoid it altogether.
Physical affection can stir up emotions they learned to suppress.
And while this can be painful for their children or partners to witness, it often comes from deep conditioning, not lack of love.
They might crave closeness but not know how to initiate it.
Over time, they may warm up to touch, but only when it feels safe and unforced.
Affection can be relearned, slowly and sincerely.
7. Overly critical tendencies
When affection is scarce, validation often gets replaced with criticism.
Many boomers were raised to equate achievement with worth.
So they may unintentionally repeat that pattern, praising performance but not presence.
You might notice this in phrases like, “You could’ve done better,” or “That’s good, but…”
It’s their way of encouraging, but it often lands as disapproval.
The truth is, criticism feels safer than vulnerability.
It’s a way to stay emotionally involved without saying, “I care.”
Recognizing this can open the door to more compassionate communication.
8. Difficulty trusting emotional support
When no one held space for your emotions as a child, it’s hard to trust that anyone ever will.
Many boomers struggle to let others in emotionally.
They might appear strong and stoic, but deep down, they long for connection - they just don’t know how to fully receive it.
This can make relationships feel one-sided, where they support others but rarely lean on anyone themselves.
Over time, this self-sufficiency can turn into quiet loneliness.
Trust takes time and gentle consistency from both sides.
Healing begins when they realize they don’t have to carry it all alone.
9. Confusing control with care
When you grow up without emotional safety, you learn to create your own version of it.
For some boomers, that means trying to control outcomes, people, or situations.
It comes from love, but it’s rooted in fear - fear of things falling apart.
So, they may micromanage, overprotect, or worry excessively.
They’re not trying to be difficult; they’re trying to feel safe.
Control feels like care because unpredictability once felt dangerous.
The shift happens when they learn that trust—not control—is what builds security.
That realization can change everything.
10. Struggling to express emotional needs
If you were taught not to have needs, asking for love later in life feels foreign.
Many boomers don’t know how to say, “I need affection,” or “I feel lonely.”
They may expect others to “just know.”
And when their needs aren’t met, resentment quietly builds.
This is often where intergenerational tension shows up.
Younger generations talk more openly about emotions, while boomers may feel confused or even defensive about it.
But awareness changes everything.
With patience and honesty, emotional fluency can grow at any age.
Final thoughts
None of this makes anyone “broken.”
It just highlights how powerful emotional conditioning is.
As Rudá Iandê writes in Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “When we stop resisting ourselves, we become whole. And in that wholeness, we discover a reservoir of strength, creativity, and resilience we never knew we had.”
And that’s really what healing is about - softening the parts of us that had to harden to survive.
It took reading Rudá's book for me to realize this.
So, if you’re recognizing your parents, or even yourself, in these traits, don’t rush to judgment.
Compassion, both for them and for you, is where change begins.
Affection can be learned.
Vulnerability can be practiced.
Love can be expressed in new ways, no matter your age.
Even if you didn’t receive it growing up, you absolutely have the power to give it now.
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