Some people don’t just talk—they perform. Here’s how to spot the hidden signs of self-centered behavior, straight from psychology.
Some people make every interaction orbit around them.
That isn’t a “women thing”—it’s a self-centeredness thing.
What follows are eight phrases I keep hearing from highly self-centered women (and, honestly, from anyone with a me-first mindset).
I’m drawing on psychology, a bit of travel-worn life experience, and patterns readers often write me about.
Take what’s useful.
Leave the rest.
Let's dive in:
1. Entitlement
Common phrase: “I deserve better.”
There’s nothing wrong with wanting respect. But when “I deserve better” shows up as a reflex—without curiosity about the other person’s reality—it’s often entitlement in disguise.
The focus isn’t on solving a problem; it’s on status.
In practice, I notice this after small inconveniences (“They should upgrade me”) or everyday boundaries (“You should’ve texted back immediately”).
Sociologist Charles Derber calls the broader pattern conversational narcissism—the habit of redirecting attention toward oneself and one’s needs.
If you’re hearing this phrase a lot, watch what happens next: does the conversation expand to include your perspective, or snap back to theirs?
Try instead: “I’d like to talk about what works for both of us.”
If you’re on the receiving end: A simple boundary works: “I hear you want X. Here’s what I can do, and here’s what I can’t.”
2. Honesty as a shield
Common phrase: “I’m just being honest.”
When someone lobs a hurtful comment and then hides behind “I’m just being honest,” that’s not candor—that’s a shield against accountability.
It keeps the spotlight on their right to speak, not on the impact of what was said.
As relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman note, defensiveness is a classic sign of unhealthy conflict. They define it as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood.” That’s exactly what this phrase accomplishes.
If I catch myself reaching for that line, I slow down and ask, “Was I being helpful, or just blunt?” Clear is kind; blunt is easy.
Related: If a woman has a beautiful soul, she'll usually display these 8 unique qualities
3. Conditional care
Common phrase: “If you really cared, you would…”
This one turns connection into a test. The speaker sets a condition (“…cancel your plans,” “…post about me,” “…do it my way”), then measures your love by whether you comply.
That’s not intimacy; it’s leverage.
I’ve seen it show up in work collaborations, too.
Years ago, a creative partner tried, “If you valued this project, you’d drop your other clients.” I valued the project—and my rent—so I said no.
The partnership survived, but only after we replaced the test with a conversation about expectations.
What to say back: “I do care. And I won’t do that. Let’s talk about what each of us needs that’s realistic.”
Why it matters: You’re protecting the how of caring (mutual, negotiated) from becoming a scoreboard.
4. Vague consensus
Common phrase: “Everyone says…”
When specifics vanish (“Everyone says you’re difficult,” “People are talking”), you may be dealing with triangulation—bringing in unnamed third parties to pressure you rather than speaking directly.
It muddies accountability and inflates the speaker’s authority.
Psychology writers define triangulation as avoiding direct communication by using a third person as an intermediary.
That creates confusion and control. You’ll find good breakdowns at Simply Psychology and Verywell Mind.
My rule: if “everyone” has feedback, name two people or drop it.
If you hear it: Ask, “Who specifically? What did they say, word for word? What do you think?”
5. Minimizing your reality
Common phrase: “You’re overreacting.”
Sometimes we all overreact. But used habitually, this line can be a form of gaslighting—nudging you to doubt your perceptions.
Here’s the tell: you share a concrete feeling or fact; the response skips curiosity and jumps to judgment.
No “What did you hear me say?” or “Did I miss something?”—just a verdict about your internal experience.
Better pattern: “I see you’re upset. Help me understand what landed hard.”
Boundary if needed: “Please don’t label my reaction. Let’s talk about the behavior.”
If you’re curious about how the term gaslighting gets overused online, this APA explainer helps recalibrate it.
6. The humblebrag
Common phrase: “Not to brag, but…”
We’ve all seen it: a boast wrapped in a complaint (“Ugh, my inbox is a mess after winning that grant”) or fake humility.
I’ve mentioned this before but the research is worth repeating because it’s counterintuitive: humblebragging backfires.
As noted by Sezer, Gino, and Norton, “Humblebragging is a distinct—and ineffective—self-presentation strategy.”
Their studies found it reduces likability and perceived competence compared to just owning the brag.
If you catch yourself doing it: Own the win cleanly (“I’m proud of this result”) or share the struggle without the stealth flex.
If you hear it: A light nudge works—“Sounds like you accomplished something big!”—then change the subject if the conversation stays one-way.
A more digestible version of the research is here.
7. Projection
Common phrase: “Why is everything always about you?”
Sometimes, that line is fair. Often, it’s projection—accusing you of the very thing the speaker is doing.
In close relationships, projection can be an unconscious defense that shifts uncomfortable feelings outward (“I’m not jealous—you’re jealous”).
If you hear this during a conversation you’ve already tried to share equitably, check the pattern: do they redirect topics to themselves, then claim you’re the self-absorbed one?
De-escalate with: “I’m open to feedback about how I show up.
Right now I’m sharing something important to me—can we come back to your point after?”
On a recent photo walk in L.A., a friend interrupted my story three times to ask about lighting for her shoot, then said, “You always make it about your work.” Old me would’ve defended.
New me said, “Let’s finish this one thread, then I’m yours.”
It worked. Conversation rescued.
8. Perpetual victimhood
Common phrase: “I don’t do drama.”
Said once, it’s a preference.
Said constantly—right before a fresh bout of gossip, ultimatums, or silent treatments—it signals a victim stance.
Researchers call a chronic version the tendency for interpersonal victimhood (TIV): seeing oneself as a victim across relationships, linked with externalizing blame and holding on to grudges.
I notice this when someone claims neutrality while stirring the pot (“I hate drama, but did you hear what she said about you?”).
The gap between claim and conduct tells you more than any slogan.
Counter-move: “I’m not available for third-hand conflicts. If there’s an issue between you two, please take it directly to her.”
Before you go: what to do with this list
Short version: use it for awareness, not arm-chair diagnosis.
A few practical moves:
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Name the pattern, not the person. “When I hear ‘everyone says,’ I feel pressured. I need specifics—or let’s drop it.”
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Get curious once. Ask one clarifying question. If the pattern persists, set a boundary.
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Use the “two-way test.” Healthy conversations breathe in and out. If you’re always exhaling (listening) and they never inhale (ask about you), that’s data.
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Remember the Four Horsemen. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—spotting these helps you choose your next step. Gottman Institute breakdown here.
If you recognized yourself in a few of these phrases, welcome to being human. Most of us lean self-protective under stress.
The fix isn’t perfection; it’s repair.
Swap the script, invite perspective, and keep the conversation a two-way street. That’s how we grow—on purpose.
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