7 things introverts do that extroverts find completely baffling

A colleague once asked me why I ate lunch alone at my desk instead of joining everyone in the break room.

"Don't you get lonely?" she asked, genuinely concerned.

I was reading a book and enjoying the quiet. Lonely was the last thing I felt.

She couldn't understand it. To her, eating alone meant something was wrong. To me, it was restoration.

After spending almost 20 years in finance surrounded by extroverted networking culture, I learned that what feels natural to introverts often baffles extroverts completely. They're not being judgmental. They genuinely don't understand why we'd choose solitude over socializing, or silence over small talk.

I'm not a strict introvert. I can be social when needed. But I recharge alone, and I've learned that my preferences confuse people who gain energy from interaction rather than losing it.

Here are seven things introverts do that leave extroverts scratching their heads.

1) Turning down social invitations without explanation

"Want to grab drinks after work?"

"No thanks."

"Why not? Do you have plans?"

"No, I just don't want to."

This exchange makes perfect sense to an introvert and sounds completely bizarre to an extrovert.

Extroverts hear "I don't want to" and think something must be wrong. You're upset. You're mad at them. You're going through something.

But introverts often decline simply because socializing takes energy we don't have or don't want to spend. There's no deeper meaning.

When I joined my trail running group five years ago, I had to learn to be clear about this. "I'm not coming to the post-run brunch" didn't mean I disliked anyone. It meant I'd used my social battery on the run itself.

Extroverts don't understand declining without a "good reason" because to them, socializing is the good reason. It's inherently rewarding, not inherently draining.

2) Leaving parties early, even when they're having fun

I can enjoy myself at a gathering and still need to leave.

This baffles extroverts. "But you were having such a good time! Why are you leaving?"

Because I'm done. My capacity is reached. If I stay longer, I'll stop enjoying myself and start feeling drained, anxious, and desperate to escape.

Extroverts tend to stay until the end because more socializing equals more energy. They feed off the interaction. Introverts are operating on a limited tank that eventually runs empty.

I learned this about myself in my twenties when I'd force myself to stay at events until they ended, then feel completely depleted for days afterward. Now I leave when I need to, even if it seems abrupt to others.

The hardest part is that extroverts often take it personally. They think you're not having fun or you don't like them. Really, you just need to be alone to recharge.

3) Choosing one-on-one hangouts over group events

Give me coffee with one friend over a party with twenty people any day.

I have a small, close circle of friends rather than the large network I maintained when networking was part of my job. That wasn't accidental. That's how I prefer it.

Extroverts thrive in group settings. The more people, the more energy, the better. They find one-on-one hangouts limiting or even boring.

Introverts find group settings exhausting and superficial. We can't have the deep conversations we crave when we're managing multiple people and competing for airtime.

When I met Marcus at a trail running event five years ago, our first real conversation happened when we broke away from the group. That's when I could actually connect with him.

Extroverts see this preference as antisocial. It's not. It's just a different way of connecting that prioritizes depth over breadth.

4) Needing time to process before responding

"So what do you think?"

"I need to think about it."

"But what's your initial reaction?"

"I don't have one yet."

This drives extroverts crazy. They process externally, through talking. Their thoughts form as they speak.

Introverts process internally. I need time alone with information before I know what I think about it.

I discovered journaling at 36 during my burnout, and I've filled 47 notebooks since then. That's where I process. Writing helps me understand my own thoughts in a way conversation doesn't.

When I was in finance dealing with high-stakes decisions, my extroverted colleagues would want to brainstorm out loud immediately. I needed to take the information, sit with it, analyze it quietly, then come back with my perspective.

Neither approach is wrong, but extroverts often interpret the need for processing time as indecisiveness or lack of engagement.

5) Preferring written communication over phone calls

Text me. Email me. Don't call unless it's urgent.

I take regular digital detox weekends to reset my relationship with technology, but even then, I'd rather read a message than answer a phone call.

Phone calls require immediate response and sustained attention. They're draining in a way written communication isn't.

Extroverts love phone calls. They prefer the real-time connection, the back-and-forth, the spontaneity.

For introverts, phone calls feel intrusive. We need time to formulate our thoughts. We don't love thinking on our feet. Written communication gives us that space.

This became especially clear during my career transition when networking suddenly meant actual relationship building. Extroverted entrepreneurs wanted to "hop on a quick call." I wanted to email back and forth first to see if we even needed to talk.

6) Finding small talk genuinely exhausting

"How was your weekend?"

"Good. Yours?"

"Great! Did you do anything fun?"

This is where my brain starts screaming.

Small talk serves an important social function. I get that. But for introverts, it's like running on a treadmill. Effort with no real destination.

I wake at 5:30 AM to run trails before sunrise, partly because I love the quiet and partly because I avoid the small talk that comes with busier times. Trail running is one of the few activities where silence is normal and appreciated.

Extroverts genuinely enjoy small talk. It's how they connect, how they explore, how they warm up to deeper conversation.

Introverts want to skip straight to the meaningful stuff. We'd rather sit in comfortable silence than exchange pleasantries we don't care about.

At the farmers' market where I volunteer every Saturday, I've learned to engage in small talk because it's part of the job. But it's work for me in a way it isn't for extroverts.

7) Spending entire weekends alone without feeling lonely

This is the one that really confuses extroverts.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"Nothing. Stayed home."

"The whole weekend? Didn't you go stir-crazy?"

No. I was blissful.

I read for an hour before bed every night and spend weekend mornings with books and coffee. I take photography walks to slow down and notice details. I cook elaborate vegan meals as a meditative practice. I garden. I write.

None of these activities require other people, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

Extroverts struggle to understand this because solitude feels like deprivation to them. They need interaction to feel alive. Too much alone time makes them restless and unhappy.

Introverts need solitude to feel like ourselves. Too much interaction makes us feel depleted and desperate for space.

I practice meditation for 20 minutes each morning, something I initially thought was "too woo-woo" for my analytical mind. That quiet time sets my whole day. Extroverts might find that boring or pointless. For me, it's essential.

Final thoughts

Neither introversion nor extroversion is better. They're just different operating systems.

The problems arise when one side assumes the other is doing something wrong. Extroverts think introverts are antisocial or depressed. Introverts think extroverts are superficial or exhausting.

Really, we're all just trying to manage our energy in ways that work for us.

I lost most of my finance colleagues as friends after my career transition, and I realized I'd been performing friendships rather than experiencing them. The relationships that lasted were the ones where people understood that my need for alone time wasn't rejection.

If you're an extrovert confused by an introvert in your life, understand that their behavior isn't about you. They're not mad. They're not avoiding you specifically. They're just managing their energy differently than you manage yours.

And if you're an introvert exhausted by extrovert expectations, you don't have to apologize for how you're wired. You don't owe anyone an explanation for needing space. Your preferences are valid.

The key is communication. Tell people what you need instead of expecting them to intuit it. And try to understand that their needs are just as valid as yours, even when they're opposite.

We don't all have to operate the same way. We just have to respect that different people need different things to thrive.