7 signs you're genuinely in love (and 5 signs it's just codependency)

I thought I was in love in my late twenties. I organized my entire life around my partner's schedule, felt anxious when we weren't together, and believed that needing him constantly was proof of how deep my feelings were.

It took a painful breakup and months of therapy to realize I hadn't been in love at all. I'd been codependent. I'd confused emotional reliance with connection, anxiety with passion, and the fear of being alone with the desire to be together.

Real love and codependency can look similar from the outside. Both involve intense feelings and strong attachment. But the internal experience and long-term effects are completely different.

Here are seven signs you're genuinely in love, followed by five signs it's actually codependency.

Signs you're genuinely in love

1) You feel more like yourself, not less

Real love expands who you are. You feel more confident, more capable, more authentically yourself when you're with your partner and even when you're apart.

Codependency does the opposite. You lose touch with who you were before the relationship. Your identity becomes so intertwined with your partner's that you struggle to remember what you liked or wanted independently.

When I was in my codependent relationship, I stopped running as much because he didn't enjoy it. I slowly became a version of myself that was easier for him to be with, not the version that was actually me.

In genuine love, your partner encourages you to pursue your interests, maintain your friendships, and develop your own goals. Love should amplify your authentic self, not diminish it.

2) You can handle conflict without catastrophizing

Disagreements in healthy love are just disagreements. You can argue, feel frustrated, work through problems, and trust that the relationship will survive the conflict.

In codependency, every disagreement feels like a potential ending. Conflict triggers intense anxiety because the relationship is your primary source of stability and self-worth.

I used to panic during arguments, immediately apologizing even when I wasn't wrong, just to restore peace. I couldn't tolerate my partner being upset with me for even a few hours.

Real love allows for productive conflict. You can express needs, set boundaries, and disagree without the relationship feeling threatened. If conflict feels terrifying rather than just uncomfortable, that's codependency talking.

3) You maintain separate identities and interests

People in genuine love have their own lives that complement rather than consume each other. You have separate friendships, different hobbies, individual goals that don't always overlap.

In codependency, separation feels threatening. You want to do everything together, know everything about each other's day, be included in every activity. Independence registers as distance rather than healthy autonomy.

During my finance career, I watched colleagues in healthy relationships maintain robust individual lives while also having strong partnerships. They went on separate trips with friends. They had hobbies their partners didn't share.

If the idea of your partner doing things without you triggers anxiety or resentment, examine whether you're experiencing love or codependency.

4) Your self-worth isn't dependent on the relationship

In real love, the relationship enhances your sense of self but doesn't define it. You feel valued by your partner, but your fundamental worth comes from within.

Codependency places all your self-worth in your partner's hands. You feel good about yourself when they're pleased with you and terrible when they're not.

I realized I was codependent when I noticed I couldn't feel good about an accomplishment unless my partner validated it. A promotion at work felt hollow if he didn't seem impressed.

In healthy love, your partner's opinion matters, but you can also recognize your own worth independently. Their validation is nice, not necessary.

5) You want the best for them, even when it's inconvenient for you

Genuine love involves genuine care for your partner's wellbeing and growth, even when it doesn't directly benefit you.

You support their career opportunities that might mean less time together. You encourage friendships that take them away from you. You want them to pursue their goals even when it complicates your life.

Codependency is more possessive. You say you want what's best for them, but you subtly discourage anything that creates distance or independence.

Real love celebrates your partner's growth. Codependency fears it because it threatens the enmeshed dynamic you've created.

6) The relationship energizes rather than depletes you

Being with someone you genuinely love should feel nourishing most of the time. Yes, relationships require effort, but they shouldn't constantly drain you.

When you're codependent, the relationship is exhausting. You're always managing emotions, walking on eggshells, trying to maintain stability.

I remember feeling tired all the time in my codependent relationship. Every interaction required so much careful calibration of his moods and needs that I had nothing left for myself.

In healthy love, being together restores rather than depletes. Your partner's presence feels comforting rather than demanding.

7) You can imagine a fulfilling life without them (but don't want to)

In real love, you know you could survive and eventually thrive if the relationship ended. You don't want it to end, but you're not fundamentally incapable of existing without this person.

Codependency makes the idea of life without your partner feel literally impossible. You can't imagine functioning alone.

When my codependent relationship ended, I genuinely didn't know how I'd survive. My entire life had been organized around him.

Now, in a healthier relationship, I can acknowledge that while I'd be devastated if it ended, I would eventually be okay. That's not lack of love. It's healthy attachment versus desperate dependency.

Signs it's codependency

1) You can't tolerate them being upset with you

If your partner's displeasure sends you into panic mode, if you'll do anything to restore their approval, if you can't function when they're angry, that's codependency.

Healthy relationships can tolerate temporary discord. Codependent ones require constant harmony maintained at any cost, usually at the cost of your own needs and boundaries.

I would spend hours trying to figure out what I'd done wrong, apologizing repeatedly, doing anything to get back to a place where my partner wasn't upset. That level of anxiety around conflict isn't normal or healthy.

2) You've lost touch with your own needs and preferences

When someone asks what you want and you genuinely don't know because you've spent so long prioritizing your partner's preferences, that's codependency.

I couldn't answer simple questions like what I wanted for dinner or how I wanted to spend my weekend. I'd automatically defer to what my partner wanted because I'd completely lost touch with my own desires.

In healthy love, you maintain awareness of your own needs and can express them clearly. Your preferences matter as much as your partner's.

3) You enable destructive behavior

Making excuses for your partner's bad behavior, protecting them from consequences, taking on responsibilities that should be theirs—these are classic codependency patterns.

Real love involves accountability. You can support your partner while still holding them responsible for their actions. Codependency involves enabling because you're too afraid of conflict or abandonment to set appropriate boundaries.

I found myself lying to friends and family to cover for my partner's behavior, taking on tasks he should have handled, making excuses for why he couldn't meet basic commitments. I was so invested in maintaining the relationship that I became complicit in dysfunction.

4) The relationship consumes all your emotional energy

If you're constantly thinking about your partner, analyzing their moods, trying to figure out what they need, managing the relationship dynamics to the point where you have no energy for anything else, that's codependency.

Healthy relationships don't require constant vigilance and emotional labor just to maintain basic stability. You should have mental and emotional space left over for your own life, interests, and other relationships.

I used to spend hours replaying conversations, trying to decode what my partner meant, worrying about whether he was happy. It was mentally exhausting and left nothing for my own thoughts and goals.

5) You feel responsible for their happiness

When your partner is unhappy and you feel it's your job to fix it, when their bad mood ruins your day, when you believe their emotional state is your responsibility, that's codependency.

Real love involves empathy and support. You care about your partner's feelings and want to help when you can. But you recognize that ultimately, their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.

This was a huge shift for me. Learning that I could be supportive without taking ownership of my partner's emotional state changed everything. It freed me from the exhausting cycle of trying to control and manage something that was never mine to control.

Final thoughts

Understanding the difference between love and codependency changed my life. It allowed me to leave a relationship that was slowly eroding my sense of self and eventually build something healthier.

If you recognize codependent patterns in your relationship, that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It means there are patterns worth examining and potentially changing with professional help.

Real love should feel secure, not anxious. It should expand your life, not shrink it. It should make you more yourself, not less. You deserve love that nourishes rather than depletes you.