10 subtle signs someone secretly dislikes you but pretends to be friendly

For years, I prided myself on being able to read people. I could spot a fake smile at fifty paces, I told myself.

The overly enthusiastic colleague who complimented everyone?  Obviously compensating.

The quiet one who kept to themselves? Clearly harboring resentment. I had it all figured out—or so I thought.

It wasn’t until a painful revelation involving my closest work friend, Sarah, that I realized how wrong I’d been. Sarah and I had worked together for five years. We grabbed coffee every morning, shared inside jokes, and covered for each other during tough times.

When I discovered through a mutual friend that Sarah had been actively campaigning against my promotion for months—all while maintaining our daily coffee ritual—I was forced to confront an uncomfortable truth: the signs of hidden animosity are far more subtle than most of us realize, and they often hide in plain sight, masquerading as ordinary behavior.

This revelation sent me on a journey of understanding that transformed not just how I read others, but how I understood human nature itself. The real indicators of concealed dislike, I discovered, aren’t found in obvious coldness or dramatic gestures. They’re woven into the fabric of everyday interactions, so delicate that we often mistake them for personality quirks or temporary moods.

Here are ten of the most revealing signs that someone may secretly dislike you—while pretending to be your friend.

1. The smile that never reaches their eyes

After the Sarah incident, I began paying attention to something I’d previously dismissed as pseudoscience: the quality of smiles. Not whether someone smiled but how they smiled.

Genuine smiles, as psychologist Paul Ekman’s research shows, engage the entire face. The muscles around the eyes contract, creating those distinctive crow’s feet that can’t be faked.

But here’s what struck me: it wasn’t just the absence of these “Duchenne smiles” that mattered. It was the timing.

People who secretly dislike you often smile a fraction of a second too late, as if their brain needs an extra moment to override their actual feelings. In retrospect, I noticed this with Sarah. Her smiles came after a barely perceptible pause, like a computer processing a command.

Subtle inconsistencies in facial expressions, slight asymmetry, delayed reactions, or smiles that vanish the moment the conversation shifts, can all point to emotions that don’t match the mask being presented.

2. They remember everything (except what matters to you)

Memory turned out to be one of the most telling windows into someone’s true feelings.

People who secretly dislike you often have excellent recall for trivial details. They’ll remember that you prefer oat milk, or the shoes you wore to last month’s meeting.

Yet, they consistently “forget” the things that matter most to you.

The major project you’re leading? They can never recall its name. Your partner’s name? It slips their mind every time. That personal achievement you proudly shared? They act as if it’s brand new when you bring it up again.

A psychologist friend explained this to me: our brains deprioritize storing information about people we don’t value. It isn’t always conscious malice, it’s simply a reflection of what the mind chooses to invest in. Their selective memory isn’t a glitch. It’s a signal.

3. The art of the backhanded compliment

Before my awakening, I thought backhanded compliments were obvious, sarcastic remarks anyone could spot. But those who are skilled at hiding dislike operate with more subtlety. Their compliments often carry a delayed sting.

“You’re so brave to wear that,” they might say, or, “I admire how you just don’t care what people think.”

These aren’t technically insults, but they plant seeds of doubt. Hours later, you find yourself questioning whether you should feel flattered or insulted.

The most sophisticated practitioners even follow up with genuine praise to soften the blow, creating a confusing mix of validation and undermining. This emotional whiplash keeps you second-guessing yourself and them.

4. They’re always busy (but somehow free for others)

Time is the most honest currency in relationships. Someone who secretly dislikes you will often make elaborate efforts to seem unavailable without ever outright rejecting you. They’ll be “buried in deadlines,” “running errands,” or “dealing with family emergencies.”

Individually, these excuses seem reasonable. But over time, a pattern emerges. They never have time for you, but somehow manage to attend outings, lunches, or spontaneous get-togethers with others.

This form of avoidance allows them to preserve the image of friendliness while quietly minimizing real connection. It’s not the absence of time that’s telling, it’s the selective allocation of it.

5. The conversation that never goes deeper

Surface-level conversation is the playground of hidden dislike. They’ll chat about TV shows, weather, or weekend plans, but never about dreams, fears, or meaningful struggles.

On the surface, these conversations seem pleasant. Yet they often leave you feeling strangely hollow, as though you ate a full meal but walked away hungry.

When you attempt to open up, they skillfully redirect without appearing to shut you down. Vulnerability bounces off them like water off glass. Over time, the pattern becomes clear: they’ll engage just enough to keep things smooth, but never enough to form genuine intimacy.

6. Enthusiasm for your failures

This is one of the most painful signs to spot because it forces you to notice who seems energized by your setbacks.

A person who secretly dislikes you may show more excitement or engagement when you fail than when you succeed.

They may ask more questions when you talk about struggles, or lean in eagerly to hear about mistakes. They might even disguise their glee as concern: “Oh no, that must have been so hard for you. Tell me everything!”

In contrast, when you succeed, their reactions may seem muted, forced, or accompanied by subtle comparison: “That’s great… though I think Steve’s project was a bit more ambitious.”

Their energy betrays them, their interest spikes when you stumble, and dwindles when you shine.

7. Overly formal or polite behavior

Another surprising sign is excessive politeness.

Someone who dislikes you but needs to maintain the illusion of friendliness may rely on scripted courtesy. They use your full name too often, keep conversations unnaturally professional, or default to formal tones that feel slightly stiff.

At first, this might come across as respect. But over time, the lack of ease becomes apparent. True friends eventually drop into casual shorthand, inside jokes, and natural rhythms. Hidden animosity often disguises itself with a polished veneer of politeness, politeness so careful that it feels almost robotic.

8. Subtle exclusion from group dynamics

Watch for how someone includes (or excludes) you in group contexts.

A person who secretly dislikes you may “forget” to loop you into conversations, conveniently overlook you when making plans, or fail to tag you in a group thread.

The key here is subtlety. They’ll never exclude you overtly, that would be too obvious. Instead, they rely on plausible deniability: “Oh, I thought you were busy,” or, “I assumed you wouldn’t be interested.”

This pattern can leave you wondering if you’re imagining things. But repeated small exclusions often speak louder than a single overt rejection.

9. Microexpressions of contempt

Hidden dislike often leaks through microexpressions, fleeting, involuntary facial movements that betray true emotion.

The most common? A half-second sneer, a quick eye-roll, or the corner of the lip curling upward in disdain.

These moments pass so quickly you might doubt you even saw them. But once you start paying attention, you’ll notice them recurring in response to specific triggers: your successes, your opinions, even your presence in the room.

Unlike practiced smiles or polite words, microexpressions are hard to control. They act as cracks in the mask, offering rare glimpses of what’s really underneath.

10. The energy drain effect

Finally, perhaps the most telling sign isn’t something they do directly, but how you feel after interacting with them.

Relationships, even casual ones, tend to leave us feeling either neutral or slightly uplifted. But when someone secretly dislikes you, interactions often leave you drained, confused, or vaguely uneasy.

It’s not always because of overt negativity. More often, it’s the accumulation of subtle cues: delayed smiles, shallow conversation, selective forgetfulness. Your subconscious picks up on the dissonance between their words and their energy.

Trusting this “gut feeling” can be one of the most reliable indicators that something is off even when you can’t quite articulate why.

Final thoughts

The hardest part about hidden animosity is its subtlety. People who secretly dislike you rarely act in overtly hostile ways. Instead, they weave a web of small behaviors, each one deniable, each one explainable, but together forming a consistent pattern.

The deeper truth is this: not everyone who smiles at you is your friend, and not everyone who avoids you is your enemy.

Human relationships are complex, messy, and filled with contradictions. But by learning to spot these subtle signs, you empower yourself to invest in the people who truly value you and to gently, wisely step back from those who don’t.